I am a mental health blogger --well I'm trying to be. I have only one blog up so far, but it did get a "like" on Twitter!
I have attempted suicide 3 times in the past year and a half. The first time I attempted to swallow pills but forgot to bring something to drink with me. I was under a tree limb protected from the rain falling. When I tried to swallow two pills without a drink I almost choked to death. I decided that I didn't want to die by choking to death, so I began looking for something to drink. When I thought about sucking the rain water off of the tree leaves, a thought came to me "you need help". I called the suicide hotline and was "Baker Acted" and "hospitalized" for 72 hours and released. The 2nd attempt was not really an attempt but a try at cutting. I have a bleeding disorder and so I know that if I can cut deep enough I will bleed out. A friend found out about my attempt to cut (which was unsuccessful due to a dull knife) the police came and Baker Acted me again. Another 72 hours in the "hospital" and I was released. The final attempt was just in January of 2016. I grabbed every pill I could find, and 3 bottles of water. I hid in the woods behind where my sister works. I was so serious about it the I put on a grey sweatshirt over my dark blue jacket so I would blend in with the dead winter trees so I couldn't be found. I took somewhere between 100-120 pills. I was sitting there waiting to die. I heard my nephew walking just a few short feet from me, saying "F**K, where did she go" and crouched down so he couldn't find me. I was sitting there smoking cigarettes, thinking "dying takes a long time". I suddenly felt a strange feeling in my chest, almost like a heart palpitation. Ah, success! I called my cousin to ask her to please pray that God will take me into Heaven (I am Christian), but got her answering machine. I called my sister and told her what I had done, she wanted to know why. I told her to call my other sister, who was the last person to see me. She said she would, and she said she would call me right back. I told her I loved her, then as she hung up to find out what was going on, I hung up and turned off all of my electronics so no one could reach me. I lay down on the ground and in the fetal position, praying, crying and asking God to forgive me and please take my soul to heaven, that I just couldn't live on this earth any more. I don't remember losing consciousness, but suddenly I was waking up and I was spread eagle on my stomach and the Florida sun was shining on my face. My first thought was "S**t, I've failed again!!". Then 3 people were approaching me all happy and saying "hey, there she is!" I asked who they were and they told me that they were "the people who have been looking for" me. My memory is a little foggy, I was still under the effects of all of those pills but I remember them loading me into the ambulance, and seeing my niece standing there with her dog. I waved a little, so she would know I saw her. I was asked what I was doing in the woods and I told them I had taken pills. I remember them saying "it's gonna be a Baker Act"! Crap, not again!!!
I was taken to the Emergency Room where they allowed me to use the restroom unattended. Here is the worst part. I went to the bathroom, stood up from the toilet and still being under the effects of all of those pills I fell face-first onto the steel handrail that are in restrooms for handicapped assistance! OH MY GOD, the pain! I then continued to fall, and hit a metal trash can that was in the restroom and hit the corner of it right between the eyes. Long story short, I ended up with a Occipital Floor Blowout fracture (Google it if you want, but be prepared for horrible pictures). Basically I broke the bone under my right eyeball. Needless to say, I was hospitalized for the fracture, and I have no idea if they did anything at all about the Suicide attempt that got me there in the first place. I certainly never spoke to a Psychiatrist, Counselor or anyone in the mental health field. I was finally assigned a Social Worker who got me into an AMAZING Mental Health facility. I was there for 6 days. While there I found out that everyone in my family "got together" and said they were not going to help me anymore. That I had problems and needed help. They felt as if they continued to help me, that the "programs" that were out there to help me wouldn't. Needless to say Florida falls number 48 out of all 50 States in the USA, as far as resources for Mental Health. Since I was living with my sister prior to my suicide attempt, I was now homeless. I confirmed with the Psychiatrist on staff, that they would release me to homelessness, when they thought I was ready to be released. My family still insisted they would not help me. Thank God, my "estranged" husband took me back (we will be married 19 years on May 17, but I had left him and moved to FL in 2014--no separation, or divorce proceedings were ever started) agreed to let me come and sleep on his sofa. I am now in VA. He can decide at any time that it's time for me to leave, and I will be homeless. VA does have some resources, but I have been told they are full. I am awaiting disability for back and shoulder injuries after a car accident, and for my mental health issues, but my disability is pending a hearing and who knows how long it will take or even if I would get approved. I work at home a little every day and make less than $400 per month. The "Affordable" Health Care Act wants $285.00 per month to insure me with a $6,000.00 deductible. So, I have no insurance.This is just a brief introduction,
I will go more into depth in another post later on, but for now I'm glad to be here. I'm 50 years old, a grandmother of one beautiful granddaughter, and hoping to repair my marriage, though my husband is understandably reluctant. I am grateful for this forum, and for each of you have taken the time to read this. Just for info purposes, I am diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. I do take Lexapro, Buspirone, Lamictal and Klonipin (to help me sleep). I am now seeing a Psychiatrist with my local mental health facility, and they are looking into getting me into group therapy. I am researching support groups, to see if there is one near me that I can attend. I just don't know what I should look for...a group for Depression? Anxiety? I have so many diagnoses, I'm a little lost there.I look forward to getting to know a lot of you!! God Bless you all!
