Totally in the thick of it, not sure I'm coming back.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I only recently found the podcast. I think I was looking for bipolar podcasts or something. I'm usually a much better writer than this post will show, but thinks are such a mess right now that I can't even make sense of it long enough to tell someone about it. It's really just desperation that's making me even attempt to tell you all.

I've been out of care for a while now, so a lot of these things aren't formally diagnosed, but here's the laundry list of things I'm trying to deal with:

• child of severely depressed mother, who might also have Munchausen's by proxy, definitely has an eating disorder and her own history of abuse
• child of addicted father, who was raised in an alcoholic household
• brother attempted suicide when I was 16 due to drugs and alcohol
• recently diagnosed bipolar, previously diagnosed severe depression with obsessive features
• suggested borderline personality disorder (also identify with avoidant personality disorder and obsessive compulsive personality disorder)
• also suggested narcissistic personality disorder, but I think that might just be masked borderline
• possibly on the autism spectrum (I'm not convinced of that one myself)
• my own history of alcohol, sex, and food addictions (and one major overdose on Xanax)
• paralyzing perfectionism to the point where I've allowed things to die rather than make a wrong decision
• a partner who I am in an abusive relationship with who has PTSD as a result
• been homeless for the past two years, pretty much thanks to my own mental health state and some of the truly atrocious things that I've done that I'm still trying to run away from

I think I'm currently in a manic episode and am fighting all the time with my partner because she's traumatized and reliving crazy stuff that I've done over the years, even though we're about 4 days away from truly homeless. I still can't shut my damn mouth long enough for us to try to come up with a solution. I start boiling the instant she starts talking the insane, abusive things I've done and can hold off on getting violent and screaming for about five minutes before I just lose my shit (she's said something about "narcissistic defenses" and from what I've read, she's probably right because they sure do seem to fit).

I really don't see this ending any time soon. I keep having moments of regret and determination to do better, but the very second something sets me off again, I'm at it all over again, screw the consequences. I heard something at some point about people getting PTSD as a result of their own crazy behavior and that seems fitting, too. I can't imagine ever getting help with that, though, since I'm the cause of far more trauma than I've suffered.

Even worse, I've built up such a monstrous history I can't imagine ever feeling like a worthwhile human being ever again. I've always felt like pretty much the lowest piece of crap on earth, even though I spend a lot of time do things to make myself look better, and the past 5 or 6 years has pretty much just proven it to me that I actually am every bit as worthless and evil as I've ever thought.

I don't want to die, but I'm really at the point where anything that will get me off this merry go round sounds good. I've thought about getting my hands on some more Xanax and seeing if I can finish the job this time. I've had a plan on how to end it for about a month or so, but I'm way too chicken to go through with it. I just don't see how this can end without someone else being dead, and at this point I feel like it would be a service to all if that person was me.

So like I said. Things are really bad and I don't see myself coming back from it. But now at least someone else knows.

[Beany Boo]

HowDidIGetHere,

That is rough. Thank you for reaching out at such a difficult moment. It sounds like you're looking around for help but not really finding what you need. That's what this forum can be; reaching out, searching for help and sharing experiences, so welcome. Feel free to tell more of your story. Your experience could help other members. There is also a suicide hotline if ever you need it 1800 273 8255. Best wishes finding the help you need. I hope the forum is a safe space for you.

[hobojungle]

That you wrote the post shows me there is hope for you. You have insights into your behavior & insights into your partner's behavior that will serve you well in navigating the treacherous water ahead, behind, & presently. I'm sorry you're having these hellish experiences. We all make mistakes in life, don't compound them by beating yourself up (or sticking around while someone else does the beating up for you). Self-compassion. Start small. Start miniscule. Make a positive change so small it could fit through the eye of a needle. Then keep doing it. You will have setbacks. Expect them, but don't let them stop you. You can overcome.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks folks. It's actually that little 10% of my brain that says I might be able to make a useful contribution to the world yet that's keeping me here. That, and the knowledge that if I do do something impulsive and final, my partner won't actually be better off. She'll just be broke on top of traumatized and homeless.

The real hopelessness is that I can't stop myself. Once I hear something about the awful things I've done, it's like a machine that gets turned on and there's no turning it off until it runs out of gas—which usually involves yelling and screaming and violence and saying such monstrous, awful things that just add to the pile of things I can't look at. I mean, she's suicidal and I told her "you know where the bridge is." Seriously.

Just no hope. Probably just narcissistic need getting me to post here at all. As she says, "People who actually intend to end their lives don't go telling people about it and they don't worry about the aftermath. They just do it."

[HowDidIGetHere]

In a related note, I just read this post http://mentalpod.com/archives/3963 and this part really jumped out at me:

And then in November I began seeing things out of the corners of my eyes. Strange things: on the right side, I saw a large block of marble that seemed rather like a sheet except I knew it was cold stone. Behind that, a fleeting glimpse of a head, also made of marble. On my left side there were dark figures dancing. These actually have a name: shadow people. They were moving stealthily but in rhythmic motion.

Jesus, things really aren't good in this little section of CrazyTown.

[hobojungle]

I do not blame you for going into rage mode. It sounds like if you were to break down & be vulnerable with your partner she might go in for an attack. By raging, you might be protecting yourself, even though it damages your relationship. I think if you were a truly heinous person, you wouldn't care that your partner is in pain.

http://www.heysigmund.com/relationships ... ily-hurts/

[HowDidIGetHere]

I have to say, I'm really glad this board is here. Even if it's totally dysfunctional, just unloading all this garbage in a place where people get it is really helpful. Kinda like AA was at the start. You could walk into a room, drop a bag of manure, and then leave feeling like at least you were fertilizing the garden.

Some day, I might be the voice of hope to the next person who comes in and says "I can't come back from this."

At least that's the thought that keeps me here.

[FuckYouDad]

Hi HowDidIGetHere,

Sorry to hear you're in so much pain. I can definitely relate to feeling overwhelmed by all of our different mental illnesses and personality disorders. Also, anger/rage and emotional abuse is a big part of my story as well and fucking difficult to deal with (BTW writing that just made me cry!?). I highly recommend getting meds and lots of therapy... not sure if you've heard Paul Gilmartin mention it on the podcast, but one way to find cheap or free therapy is to google "low fee therapy, _____________" (and fill in the blank with your city). He also has a number to call to help find yourself a therapist: 1-800-THERAPIST (1-800-843-7274).

I don't judge you for the bad things that you claim you've done, I feel compassion for you and for you as the innocent little kid who was subjected to a lot of horrible things. The bad things that you've done aren't your fault... at least that's what I found out about myself and I'm still working on accepting that. It takes work (i.e. therapy) to get to the truth. I've been going 4-6 times a week for the past 5yrs (psychoanalysis, couples, and group therapies). But, although I still struggle sometimes, I've made a ton of progress. YOU CAN TURN THINGS AROUND. It's not going to happen over night, and it's going to take work, but YOU CAN HEAL.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks. I'm a little less hopeless than I was and still really aware of how long the road to stability is. It's been really hard not to give in to self-destructive tendencies, even just for the sake of my partner who needs my help to get housed.

One day, hour, minute at a time.