I even avoid socializing online

[Ihavetinnitus_mawp]

I'm an introvert with (what I just learned is) misophonia, anxiety and I frequently get into wrestling matches with depression where it tries to get me in a sleeper hold to knock me out for weeks, even months (and if I'm being honest, this last time was a year). There's always a trigger for my depression and I just wish I had more fight in me to overcome the trigger rather than getting sucked down into the pit of despair.

I'm not a very social person, and I really don't like groups (I can deal, but I hate it and avoid groups any chance I get). When life gets too much I sometimes renew my Warcraft subscription and even in there I will not engage in the social aspect of the game. I don't want to be in a guild, go on raids or be in group chats on discord. It just doesn't appeal to me and yet so much of the gaming world (and real world) is steeped in human interaction and teamwork and I just do not want any part of it, which leaves me feeling like I don't belong, that I'm fundamentally flawed and even though I crave connection I simply cannot seem to maintain it with anyone. Even more awkward is that if I get around someone I do connect with, I run the risk of overwhelming them by talking for hours, unloading a deluge of ideas and thoughts that have been floating around in my brain forever, and generally just exhausting them and putting them off. I forget my manners to switch the conversation to them and give them room to express, to be curious about them and to ask more questions about them. So I leave those interactions feeling both a sense of catharsis and a sense of guilt at fucking it up yet again.

I'm really not sure why I'm posting on here. I guess I feel very isolated and scared the depression monster is going to find me again (I've been feeling a bit better as of late). I recently decided to stop seeing my therapist. I miss being able to talk about what was bothering me, but I came to the conclusion that I didn't feel safe to express myself with her anymore. She seemed to cherry pick bits of information and want to work on what interested her about me, not what I felt I needed help with most (and at $190 a session I was like what the fuck). She repeatedly seemed frustrated with me, at one point asked me 'so what do you want me to do for you then?!?' when I expressed frustration with her homework assignments (which seemed incongruent and arbitrary - why? What is this for, what is the expected effect of this homework, I'd ask). It really came to a head when she baited me with a small disclosure about her own perspective and when I scoffed because I didn't get the point of her story and it seemed to not be related to what I was trying to talk about at all (and I get annoyed when therapists make it about them) she said "See, there! You are being judgement and dismissive!" Like she was trying to call me out and show that she was right and I was wrong. I immediately felt put on the defensive and it all dissolved from there. I just feel so frustrated because I don't want to start all over with another therapist and I also (in classic me fashion) can't help but wonder if I'm just a shitty person who can't be helped and that this poor therapist who was genuinely trying to help me was getting nowhere because all I wanted was attention and not to actually change myself... In my defense the biggest issue with the homework was that I felt it was stuff I'd tried before and did not find helpful and when I expressed that she got frustrated with me. I really have tried journaling, and I can't stop trying to figure out 'who I am' or look for a new job that is outside of my current industry. It's like she was telling me to go do all the things that were getting me nowhere and causing me to be depressed in the first place. Just WTF. Anyway I don't know.

I truly fear that I am actually an unredeemable shitty human being with no value that no one wants to be near, and maybe that's why I avoid contact with people beyond what is absolutely necessary. Who am I? How the fuck should I know.

[bigeekgirl]

Welcome, Ihavetinnitus_mawp. Thank you for sharing.

Who am I? It's really the fundamental question I struggle with, along with fear I'm right about my unworthiness.