Hey there

[errrikuhhh]

Hi all,

I've listened to the mental illness happy hour for a long time. I took a hiatus from it because i think i was just being triggered far too much by people's stories. Now I am back to listening regularly and I have decided to try my hand at the forums. I have heard about them for some long but just never had the balls to ever write on them.

My story, I'll try to keep it brief.

My name is Erika and I am 24 years old. I live with anxiety and depression. Rewind to early years of my life and I will kick off what really began my unravel. My parents divorced when i was 9 years old. I didnt really understand what was going on, but my dad moved out and lived in VA for a year. My moms boyfriend moved in and in less than a year and a half she married that clown. My life up until the divorce was very "leave it to beaver". You had the couple with two kids, a boy and a girl and the family dog. We were happy. But my mother wasnt so she cheated on my dad with his friend and refused to work anything out with him.

Fast forward a year or two after my mom remarried, this is when my world came crashing down even more. I was a naive child who didnt understand the aspects of relationships. I got along with my mom and her new husband very well. Until my brother revealed to me the infidelity my mother committed and basically that they were the reason as to why my parents weren't together anymore and i could only see my dad once every two weeks. I remember that day so vividly. 13 years after it happened and I still could be sitting in my grandparents kitchen with my brother when he said "I dont get why you're not angry at Mom and Tom. Mom's a whore and cheated on dad. Thats why things are the way they are." My brother, who is 8 years older than me, shattered all my naivety in that moment and things were never the same. I was angry. I was hurt. I couldnt wrap my head around what i was being told. From that moment on my mother was a stranger to me and she noticed the change in me immediately. This began the true horrors I was about to face.

From the age of 9-17 i lived in my mothers house with her new husband and without my father. Within those 8 years I experienced every type of abuse. Mental, physical, sexual. you name it. Gaslighting was a big favorite of my mothers as well as any other mind game she could play. Just like my revelation when it came to my parents divorce, it seemed as though my mother began to quickly spiral down a dark path of mental illness. She refused to ever see any doctors to confirm this, but from my years of obtaining a degree in psychology and having to, unfortunately, live with her for a large chunk of my life i can deduce that she has borderline personality disorder, manic depression and/or possibly schizophrenic. There was so much crazy that spewed out of her that i dont even know which category she truly falls in. For whatever reason, at a certain point, she decided she was going to hate me. She would hit me and I would hit back. She would play mind games and I would play them right back. She would put me in situations that were so inappropriate that they can be labeled as sexual abuse (per my therapist). Without the gory details, it was hell living with her for that long. It felt like i had been through a war after 8 years. But on the eve of my 18th birthday i hightailed it out of there and lived with my dad for a few years.

Now I am married and living with my husband in our own home in PA. I graduated from college, bought a house, a car and a got married all in one year. On paper my life seems great. But on the inside Im a shell. my emotions are so hard for me to be vocal about and to deal with that some days its hard for me to breathe. I dont talk about my life that often. But I find myself in extreme bouts of depression and im riddled with anxiety daily. I think that the fact that you are all faceless makes it easier for me to type this out. I dont expect anything out of this post. I just need to write this out. I know there are so many of you out there that can relate to my story and what i go through on a daily basis, but its hard for me to not feel alone in my struggles. I guess I just need a dialogue started so I can move past it all. They say once you can talk about your story and not cry is when you're truly healed. I still cry. I still cry a lot. Im hoping that me being open about it will stop the tears and stop the shame of the past.

Thanks to those who took the time to read this. I look forward to reading what you all have to say and getting to know you and maybe finally accepting the idea that I am not alone.

[Fargin]

Thanks for putting your story out there errikuhhh.

I'm so sorry for what you was put though and I think how you're feeling right now is a natural reaction to the trauma you were exposed to, had to endure and had to survive. What I like so much about reading other people's stories is that I can easily feel compassion for what you guys went through and that makes it easier to find a bit of compassion for myself. I wish I could cry more about my own story, I still feel I have to hold back a bit, just to have "control". I think, I have to let go of the last bit of pain, but getting in touch with one's story and pain can be fricking scary.

[FrecklesMcGee]

Your story breaks my heart! I just want to hug that young girl and protect her from her mother. I'm so sorry you went through that. She let you down in such a big way. I hope you have compassion for yourself, even though I know how hard that is.

I know what you mean, on paper everything looks great but inside you feel like a shell. I can totally relate. I constantly feel like no one understands, and no one would want to take the time to hear my whole story, and no one could relate anyway so what's the point. I get it. It's very isolating. And yet, on the outside, I'm a fairly social and together person. If my outsides matched my insides, no one would want to be near me. So inside it will stay. Except in therapy. My poor therapist! I hope you have someone you can trust to get the ugly parts out. You deserve to be happy.

[lenoxvan]

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