forgiveness

[cevelo]

I have family members than been very emotionally abusive of me to the point that so damaged my self of myself. one is on deaths door. i was told to visit her and forgive her. she has never asked for forgiveness and never wanted to be a part of my life in any way. her words still haunt me after 40 years and i want nothing to do with her and don't plan on going to her funeral. Also, I'm told I need to forgive a family child molester too, otherwise i can't be healed from that pain too. He has never asked for forgiveness either and continues ti deny the abuse. Are my feelings wrong? Can I heal without forgiveness?

[cevelo]

i guess no one can relate?

[manuel_moe_g]

Don't forgive unless you want to forgive. Use your energy to help yourself, don't spend any energy on anyone elses trip. Please take care.

[Brooke]

I am so sorry you are a victim of such terrible abuse... I'm curious, you were told to go and forgive her? That does not sit well with me. Of course forgiveness is a part of healing, but you shouldn't be forced to do it or be told by someone to do it. It should be your choice and at your own timing. I'm sorry this person got into your personal space and told you what to do when it's none of their business. We need to keep our personal boundaries and not let others just walk in. I feel your pain. I'm sorry this person caused more stress in your life. You do not have to do anything you are uncomfortable doing or not ready to do. This is your personal business and you can deal with this just the way you want to. People try and guilt trip us into doing what they want us to do and that is selfish on their part. We do not have to go out of our way to feed other people's egos. You don't need to go to her funeral, nobody is has the right to make you go.

Clearly, you feel pressured to forgive her because of this person, but do what feel right for you. If you never want to forgive her, then don't, if you do, then that is all up to you. Right now, I think you need a break from all of this trauma and stress. I want you to be nice to yourself and just free yourself from all of these negative voices that are affecting you.

As for the child molester, of course you don't have to forgive if you don't want to!! Please don't do it because you feel like you have to. That just leads to more destruction. I'm sorry you are being told to do such a horrible thing by people around you. I am personally angry at those people who are telling you to forgive! I don't think they are sensitive to you and give you the love and compassion that you need. I don't know if they are family members or what, but I hope that you can keep your distance so that their words don't affect you too much. Having boundaries to protect yourself is so healthy and necessary. Please let yourself free and just be who you want to be.

[AndyLand]

Hi Friend, First let me say I am sorry you went through so much trauma. I've had my share, most of which seemed pretty unforgivable most of my life. I don't think there is any one way to heal. If there were wouldn't we all do it and be whole? What I can tell you is how forgiveness played into my personal recovery. The person who gave you this advice probably has some parts of a good idea but the way they went about it is all wrong. Confronting an abuser of any kind in person should never be undertaken as some "standard" of forgiveness. In most cases and especially with a person who accepts no responsibility or feels sorry at all most survivors need to avoid them. It is rare cases, usually with lots of therapy for everyone and apologies by the abusers, in order for there to be any contact. If you and your therapist or support group feel forgiveness will help YOU so that YOU aren't carrying around that anger the person being forgiven is not even necessary as part of the equation.

One of the reasons forgiveness or some kind of forgiveness exercise is incorporated into therapy and support groups is that this step frees the victim/survivor. Famous quote (don't ask me whose) says that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then waiting for your enemy to die. The forgiven person doesn't even need to know or respond unless that is something you need or want. For me it took a 15 year process of recovered memories, processing all that had happened, expressing all of the hurt and anger, before I could even think about trying to forgive anybody.

Once I was ready though, I wrote a very detailed letter that listed everything that person did to me, and then asking my higher power to help me forgive them and release it back to them because it was no longer my burden to carry. The crazy part about this was, it worked, as I was writing it all out, I started to genuinely feel it. I felt sadness and compassion for how sick and broken the heroine addict who raped the 2 year old me must have been to do such a thing. I truly felt how horrible it must've been to be them and in my heart I decided living with themselves was punishment enough. I went through and did this with every offender from 40 years of my life including the murderer of a good friend. I NEVER thought that would work and 20 years I would've said eff you I'm not forgiving those bastards.

When I was done I was so much lighter and happier. The memories had no power over me anymore and I was able to manage my PTSD without meds. I'm not cured or anything but I'm not haunted and less room is taken up in my heart and mind by the many abusers I encountered throughout my life.

The most important thing is to keep talking to those you feel safe with and write down your feelings if it helps. Nobody ever has to read it. I hope you find more healthy support in your daily life. I've been where you are and even if you never forgive anybody you will someday be here, more years of recovery under your belt, hoping to help someone else.

Big hugs!