Episode 113: Lynn Chen

[ghughes1980]

Paul where you able to get a hug after this episode was finished? It seemed like you had a seriously profound moment or two in the course of this interview. I hope you are doing alright now. It is amazing to me that you can have these reactions and I'm envious.

[oak]

Hey Mr. Paul Gilmartin!

You do your podcast as you see fit.

I've listened since the first ten episodes, and I'll stand by you.

Stay true to you, man.

[shanarchy]

I loved this episode!

[duck1]

great episode. Lynn and Paul- you are GREAT.

Paul the podcast is WONDERFUL just the way it is.

[adrivahni]

Paul, it's your openness and authenticity that make this podcast as wonderful as it is. What you're feeling is what you're feeling, and I'd rather feel sad for you when you're hurting than to think that you're trying to hide your emotions trying to meet someone else's standards of what the podcast should be.

I hope things get better for you soon. You've helped a lot of people and you deserve to be happy.

[gfyourself]

Agree with the above! Really identified with the idea that binge eating happens when you can't stand being yourself (paraphrasing, possibly poorly)

[MizLzie]

I hope others would agree - we're not here to listen to an interview, we're here for the conversation. If Paul wasn't sharing it would certainly be quite the one-sided conversation, like an interview, it's great the way it is!

I completely relate to a lot of the binge eating. Figured out years ago that I ate when I was bored at home alone, at night for the most part.

"Just one more snack".

Recently I've realized that I'll eat something, feel disgusted with myself then an hour later eat something else to feel better... *sigh

[Cheldoll]

First, thanks for having an Asian American guest. Especially a female one with an eating disorder raised in a Catholic household. There was SO much in this episode that I could relate to -- I started selecting quotes I identified with and eventually just stopped because I had way too many. I'm so happy I've found her blog. I wish I could blog -- get past my depression reiterating "you don't matter. what you have to say doesn't matter." Maybe one day.

Yes, getting punished for crying is not uncommon in Asian households. I had the same experience telling a school counselor my dad spanked me excessively. They care so much about what other people think.

Hearing "you're fat" or "you're too thin" from my family has fucked with my head and feelings so much, but it's so common it's difficult to see that it's not normal and it's not okay to say that to someone and leave them hanging. I also laughed out loud when she talked about how her family doesn't want to know the details of how she's feeling but wants to know what she's doing. That's every single conversation I have with my parents, haha.

She mentioned how she knew she needed help when she saw Mad Love, and it reminded me of the first time I saw Girl, Interrupted -- I didn't seek help soon after like she did, though.

Even down to how she talked about her past abuse really hit home for me: I often downplay the emotional and sexual abuse I endured when I was younger because I've forgiven them and understand. I'm sure it had some sort of effect on how I am today, but... just like Lynn said, "it's what I have and it's what I accept." Being able to confront the people who hurt me and just basically say "you hurt me" is so helpful in recovery.

This is already so long and I'm not even finished with the episode but I'm at work and should really probably get back to... well, working. Maybe more later.

[CharlotteC]

Paul,

I just listened to the beginning of this episode and had to post. While I appreciate the care and kindness taken by the woman with the criticisms about last week's podcast, I simply don't see the problem. I love it when you come back to your own personal struggles, in the moment, in such a raw and open way. I love that you trust your listeners enough to do it, and I want to reassure you that you CAN trust us. Listen to that little voice in your head that says "I know you're out there" -- we are here! I need to hear your honesty and pain so bad, because it tells me what I'm feeling is okay. I feel so much love for you at those moments. My heart just fills up with care and gratitude.

Hearing you respond so openly to the ongoing conflicts with your mother helps me feel less guilty, less alone, and less like a fuck-up. My mother didn't sexually abuse me, but she did betray me by excusing the sexual abuse I suffered as a child by forgiving the perpetrator on my behalf. She had the hots for him, and decided he was trying to get to her through me. I came home and there he was, sitting at the kitchen table, and she said "I forgave him." Now she is old, and I realize I'm nothing more than an object to her, and when she doesn't have a use for me, she ignores me. She does not see me; she does not hear me; she knows only what rattles around in her own stupid, self-involved head. I've come to realize, just in the past year or two, that she doesn't really love me and never did. She's not capable of it. She only loves the empty hole in the middle of her shrunken, bitter, wounded heart. All my life, this is what I thought love was...no wonder I think so little of myself. No wonder I am so eager to please people who look right through me...

Already I feel like a whiner. Here are the voices: "Yeah, yeah, get over it. She didn't hit you. He didn't rape you, he just groped you and exposed himself to you. Big deal. So she's a narcissist -- you sound like one, too. Admit it, this is just an excuse to feel sorry for yourself and do nothing. Face it, you're lazy and stupid. She was right about that."

Fuck. Fuck those voices. I need to be heard. We all need and deserve to be heard.

Please keep talking about your mother, Paul, and your struggles to come to terms with the fake, bullshit gargoyle mask that is her "love" for you. Your wife is right fucking on about your mother being a cunt. You are not a baby for being obsessed with her betrayal, you are a FUCKING HERO for facing up to the vicious beast of an emotional burden she's forced on you. I know it's complicated, and no words will ever quite explain what was wrong and what was right and why it hurts so bad. But boy does it ever feel good to get these feelings out and hear how other people deal with their shit. You are NOT the only one. We ARE out here, we're listening, and we love you for sharing what you're going through.

Oh, and the anal sex line was genius. Holy shit do I love this podcast. Now on to the rest of the interview!

[Paul Gilmartin]

I just want to chime in and thank you all for your encouraging words and support. It means a lot to me, especially those of you who experienced similarly invalidating/abusive upbringings. That mind fuck is such an energy drainer. When I sometimes say to my therapist, "but look at the nice things she did for me", she says "people can be both, people are complicated and the nice things are things a mother is SUPPOSED to do, not an example of her going above and beyond."

And Ghughes to answer your question, when we took that break about 3/4 through the interview, I cried in her arms for a good five minutes. It felt really comforting and I think that helped a lot of the sadness to come up and out because that comfort and acceptance was the exact opposite of the history of my relationship with my mom. It's what I always wanted to feel from her. I'm sure many of you can relate.

The longer I'm in recovery, the more I realize how varied the repercussions of sexual abuse are, especially in how it warps our perception of our inherent worth.

The beautiful thing about feeling the support from fellow survivors is I feel like I'm discovering that sense of worth that I could never seem to find before.

So thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Paul