kira

[littlebirds]

I just listened to the Kira podcast and I felt the need to post something about it. I've never heard a person's story that resembled my own quite so much, except for she happened to save herself from her issues at a much earlier age than I have managed to. This is going to come off as super journalistic, I hope that's not totally inappropriate for this forum.

I'm also a 29 year old female with a hazy past of sexual abuse and a very clear present of alcohol abuse. Up until recently, I didn't really think much about my drunk outbursts... I'd just tell myself I cry and throw tantrums because I was still processing an old relationship where I was treated badly and of course I was going to cry about it after getting drunk and emotional. I also have a tendency to be inappropriately naked when I drink... I'd try to pass this off as endearing, by saying I should start a band called the "Naked and Wasted" (this was right about the time the band "Naked and Famous" was popular).

Then my drunken ridiculousness turned from self loathing to violence and I started lashing out at whatever guy I was with. It would always be a guy because I'm cute and also a sex addict, so those are the only people that could deal with going out drinking with me. I also drank whiskey and I've been told by more than one guy that drinking with me was like playing russian roulette. Every drink was just another click of the trigger and eventually I'd hit the loaded cocktail and all hell would break loose. When the violence started, that was when I knew I had a problem and have been trying to get sober since that started, about a year ago. I think I've hit rock bottom and I sat down and made a list of goals. My #1 goal is to stay sober for one week, then until May (12 days from my last drink), and hopefully until I get my shit together, if not forever.

Anyhow, how this relates to Kira's story is that I never really considered this a sobriety issue until hearing that Kira got like this every time she drank. I seriously was worried that I was just fucking insane and eventually I'd just start acting this way sober. It's comforting to know that she's recovered and it gives me hope. I don't know anyone who else who's ever been like this. I mean, sure, some people have bad days and maybe are like this on a specific occasion... but who the fuck just flips from being fun and jovial to murderous every time they drink? I know some guys that are like that, but never girls.

Anyways, I hope this isn't too disjointed... This is my first post and I haven't been this open about myself online in nearly a decade... So I just kinda let it out. I'd love to hear other girls' stories that could relate to Kira as well.