Since I suggested it, I'd better use it, right?

[HowDidIGetHere]

I self-diagnosed with this years ago, but I never gave it too much thought until recently. I've looked at it again recently and am now wondering if I'm not in the midst of an avoidant meltdown. Several years ago, I was exposed publicly in an extremely shameful way. Soon afterwards, I lost my job, which was also incredibly shameful. That led to giving up housing and even though I was able to get another job fairly quickly, I have been sabotaging all attempts to get stable again.

All that sabotage is just building up an ever-increasing history of shameful acts, which reinforce the feeling that I don't belong in society anymore. It's gotten to the point where I can no longer tolerate the slightest criticism without completely lashing out in the cruelest of fashions just to make it stop. I've tried suicide a couple of times for the same reason. That both times failed isn't neutral either.

Are there any others out there who have the same condition? Is there a light at the end of this grave digging?

[Beany Boo]

Thanks

Yes I have it.

I feel two things that seem to be working (at a snails pace towards recovery).

Grief; maybe for the inexplicable loss of contact. Or for a self that roamed looking for it, and found futility. Or for whatever hurt so much it didn't want to be touched or seen by anyone curious.

Relief; that there's no timetable on reconnecting. That I'm not even the only one running, not by a long shot. That I can be lonely in my soul and there are already people who will accept it; need it even, to desperately see what it is in another; and there's still an easy (un-intense), satisfying interaction there to share as well, regardless. That it's not always a learning-to-walk-again process. Sometimes you're just at the place that's good, and also happen to be ready.

Also, that mention on MIHH recently about co-dependence being in the person not in the relationships (or lack of) kind of unlocked something for me;

I feel safe because I have no romantic/sexual connection. But I am codependent with strangers in the street, for example. I use their surface affects to create the energy that maintains the safe distance I crave. Unchecked though, well.

Yes I have it.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks, beany. I had joked when I suggested Paul make this forum that, given the nature of the problem, I didn't expect anyone to join in. I appreciate being wrong about that.

I think a lot of this started coming up when I began to look at my relationship with my mother and how dependent I had been on her approval. When I see all the ways I pretzeled myself around to try to please her, it makes me nauseous.

I'm 45 years old and have not a clue who I am or what I'm about. How effed up is that?

[Beany Boo]

I'd say, you don't owe your mother that level of (literally) selfless 'devotion.' And that, approval is only valuable if it's offered towards securing your prosperity.

I'd say it, but then I'd have to practice what I preach...

If you're anything like me, you're sick to death of protecting your mother from how she sees herself (at her worst in private, with her child) and what she is about (or would be, if anyone had shown a country woman with no standing, a normal amount of respect).

I also think, from your posts that you are working your stuff out. I think I will always be. Practice makes shit easier, right?

But the topic is APD. The thing I wanted to emphasise is that being avoidant gives me profound survival relief. Probably from a life having been merged with mom. But the more events I step into that break with her, and make her an adult, the more 'avoidance' grows to feel like simple, division. I am a me. One who can be with all the you's. The you's I choose. And that avoidance is a natural instinct, one of many. Even if oftentimes still, I must insist on being the only person who really exists.

Like now for example.

Thanks for the topic.

[oak]

I am not sure if you struggle with APD, but I do celebrate you for posting here. That takes real courage.

We're only as sick as our secrets.

[Beany Boo]

I do feel like I outstayed my welcome with that last post; and therapized all over the place. Sorry.

Avoidance though, is a big part of my 'pathology.'

But it's true, I am at a stage now where I'm no longer automatically stricken by it. There are moments where I'm open to being touched. Or I just won't mentally punish myself for any reinforcing or reactive behavior.

I'm a little bit ready to be close and also to move away from. In favorable conditions.

Oh, and I wanted to mention that I had a series of public shaming experiences that definitely contributed.

Somebody take the microphone...

[HowDidIGetHere]

No worries, beany. This may wind up being a two-person forum, so we can't have anyone censoring themselves.

Do you have any tips for tolerating the criticism? The best I can do right now is delay the explosion to varying degrees. The problem there is that no on but me sees the importance of the fact that it took five minutes today where it took 30 seconds yesterday.

Pointers?

[Stina]

Well, count me in a a 3rd person on this thread. Freshly diagnosed as of this morning, woo yeah. My head is all over the place at the moment because it's not quite what I expected, yet it makes a lot of sense, and IDK... Guess I know what I'll be doing this weekend -- a lot of APD reading!

[Beany Boo]

Pointers...

Okay please keep it in mind that I'm always trying to show you, show everyone, how 'well' I am; and that that is an anxiety reaction so, adjust the contents of this to take that into account.

1. Feeling angry is not the same as losing your temper.

I would lose my temper in the first second after someone started speaking to me; as though addressing me at all was a violation. I think maybe at some point, in the past, it was and it just got imprinted. For a long time, I realize now, I would secretly lose my shit instantly and just take the being violated. Horrible.

Then it changed, when I became aware that I got particularly insensed when someone talked to me about me. I saw the effect; the difference; it was no longer simply automatic.

Now (sometime later) I can feel anger, that somehow continues, without it having to bubble up into losing my temper. That makes it somewhat easier not to avoid people. The thought that goes with all my angries now is, 'I want something for myself and I'm not getting it.' Which is a pretty reasonable thought. It's a thought that requires the participation of others. It's a thought that applies to a lot of present day situations.

So your comment about 5 minutes versus 30 seconds is huge.

Anger is something that has kept me separate, made me feel dangerous, made others feel dangerous to me, shaped the image of the world I had. It's immune to intellect. It could power a major city. It's the reason for my avoidance; the thing I have to keep away from others. Or had to, when it was toxic. Now, today, that it's becoming just a natural force, and feels permitted, it's something that shows others what's important to me, and what can't wait or stay silent. I realize it even draws others to me in a way that is wanted.

Pointer number one is you don't have to lose your temper just so you can feel angry. And you don't have to isolate just to protect yourself and others from its effect.

Okay, stop talking.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks for chiming in, Stina.

Let us know if you find anything uplifting in your reading. My googling hasn't been especially optimistic, but I'm holding out hope.