Alcoholism, addiction and the toes that get stepped on.

[GoPlayOnTheTracks]

I've spent the majority of my life running from my emotions, rationalizing my character defects, and running from the results and impact those defects have on other people.

Often I'll impose my will and my ideas on other people. It's as if I've sub-consciously decided what other people need to do in order to make their life better, but in actuality, it's what I need them to do to make ME feel better. I will manipulate people in a very passive-aggressive manner to achieve these needs and expectations. When I don't get the desired results to my expectations, I get angry, depressed and full of self-pity. Not to mention the effect is has on my self esteem.

A big fear of mine is asking for what I really want and advocating for myself. These, I think, are the underlying fears of my biggest fear: rejection. The fear of rejection is what prevents me from engaging with women I'm attracted to, asking people I'm interested in to be friends, asking my family for help, asking my employer for more challenging positions and pay increases, etc. These are some of the major areas I feel insufficient. There are so many other very similar fears I experience, but I can't think of them all.

These fears breed a lot of resentments. At the surface, it appears to be a resentment aimed at a specific person or situation. While these resentments are festering inside of me, I tend to lash out at other people. I shut down emotionally and obsess on the resentment. At the core -I've realized- these types of resentments have very little to do with the people I've attached the resentment to, but more so, to do with my inability to advocate for myself in those situations.

In the past, I would stuff my emotions tied to the resentments I felt in those situations. Using drugs, alcohol, (misusing) anti-depressants, compulsively overeating, anger, isolation, compulsive spending, moving (the quick "fixes" continue ad nauseam). If there is something I can use, do or say to avoid just sitting there and feeling my emotions, I will do that instead.

A very familiar scene of me replays in my head: I'm isolated, drunk off a couple bottles of cheap 7-11 wine (is it redundant to say cheap and 7-11?), high on prozac, eating ice cream, TV blaring; I'm 300 lbs. Miserable. But, at this moment, I probably felt as content as I'd felt that entire day. No one had to see my fat, miserable self. I wouldn't be stepping on anyone's toes that night. No new enemies. Just me, my drink, Ben and Jerry and the TV; this was bliss. Can you believe that?

I used to pray to die in my sleep.

Digging a little deeper, I've started to realize my fear is of people. I fear my assumption of their perception of me. I fear their reaction (or inaction) to me. I fear the potential for disagreement, and my potential for an irrational reaction to all of that. I fear a potential confrontation because I lack a the skills to have healthy interpersonal relationships and discussions.

I'm not this person anymore. I've been sober for a year and a half, I've lost a 100 lbs and I can now stand to look at myself in the mirror. I no longer pray to die in my sleep. I can identify my emotions and express them- sometimes even in a sane manner, sometimes I'm still a little neurotic, and sometimes I'm still just plain insane. Either way, I know I'll be ok. Sitting through a wave of -what seem like- new emotions, unanesthetized, is one of the hardest things for me to do. Each time I do it, I get stronger. I can now advocate for myself. It's still unbelievably scary, but I do it. I do it because I don't like the pain associated with the resentments I get, and, I don't like the compulsive behaviors the resentments breed.

I never used to ask for help.

Thanks to 12 step programs, therapy and podcasts like MIHH, I've found a power greater than myself. I've learned a new way of viewing life, and myself. I'm less fearful of all the "what if's" that used to debilitate me. I now have people in my life- people that aren't obligated by blood to be in my life. I have friends I can call on and count on, now. Life isn't perfect, by any means, but I'll take where I'm at now over any period of time in my life drinking, drugging, and all that other shit.

If you're struggling with life and addictions, I understand. Just know it's possible to recover. I'm recovered and a year and a half ago I would have never thought it possible.

Anyone up for talking about a solution?

[oak]

Hey Play. I send you some love over the internet wires.

Good post. Welcome to the forum. Thanks for posting.

Also, awesome use of "I" statements. I don't like the use of the second and third person in this kind of post.

Some of the things you mentioned resonated with me.

1. I haven't drank since June 16, 2008 and consider myself straightedge, and not "sober" (although I am sober) since I was one of those spontaneously sober guys. (I would never believe in spontaneous drinking-stopping unless it had happened to me.)

2. I also need and want to work more, and get paid more.

3. As far as women, if you are a guy, I offer suggestions based on my heteronormative experiences.

Basically, man, being 300 pounds is no barrier to dating women. Heck, you could even use that to your advantage.

There are a number of schools of thought out there as far as meeting and dating women; weight is neither here nor there in any of them. (Although confidence and good grooming are a part of all of them.) pm me if you are interested, and I can share what has worked for me.

[GoPlayOnTheTracks]

Hey Oak, thanks for reaching out! Congrats on staying sober that long, it's quite an accomplishment.

I'm no longer 300 lbs. I'm now right around where I should be for my height. I still struggle with body dysmorphia. Usually when I'm in a depression- like now. On good days I feel attractive, and on bad days I still see that 300 lb guy in the mirror. I just got out of my first sober (or straight edge ) relationship. It was really nice to be intimate with another person without drugs and alcohol fueling the relationship, but I quickly found out I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

I've only asked a woman out on a date once. Almost all my other relationships were the whirlwind type, spontaneously evolving from a drunken episode. I think I might still be a virgin today if I never took my first drink of alcohol. The last woman I dated pursued me. My sponsor in one of my programs told me, "If you drag a net around behind you, you're gonna catch fish, but if you use the right bait, you're gonna catch the fish you really want." I'm definitely a net fisherman.

I'd like to actually date and pursue my soulmate, but I live in such fear of rejection from women, that I still allow this to debilitate me. I'm under the delusion that "if they choose me, then this MUST be my soulmate." I don't think there's anything wrong with being pursued by a woman, but when I place these kinds of expectations on them from the beginning, the relationship is bound to implode. I spent my entire last relationship trying not to lose her, instead of being present and just enjoying it for what it was.

I have no clue how to "date". For years I disliked the term, because I go on dates once or twice and then it's "serious" in my eyes. Right now, I'm just a placating chameleon who doesn't have a clue what my truth is. I hate to say it, but I think I really need some time single to get to know myself and do some esteem building. If I can start forming a healthy relationship with myself, I'm more likely to have healthier relationships, romantic or otherwise.

I dunno, what do you think? I mean, sometimes I think the way I just described, and other times I think I just need to get out there and do it. Date. Ask women out. Practice. Learn to accept rejection- it build character. Right?

[GoPlayOnTheTracks]

As far as my employer is concerned, I did finally approach my boss and ask for a new position and raise. He made me wait for over a month for a meeting to discuss the terms- during that time I started to do research on how I could become a full time student. I did get a promotion at work, but I decided to pursue an education instead. June first I'm putting in my notice!

Either way, it felt good to go in there and advocate for myself. I felt like I broke the barrier.

[oak]

Plays, while reading your post I was rubbing my palms together, like Mr. Burns.

But in a good way.

I talk to and mentor guys who want to date more. Or even just to talk to women.

And just from what you typed I can tell that you can do great things in romance. You have all the raw materials: communication skills, a pleasing demeanor, and a fine mind.

Everything you describe, all the difficulties with women/dating are very real. Fortunately there is a way out.

More good news:

Your fishing analogy is very apt. While I am no Cassanova, I am at the point where women approach me.

Women usually won't start conversations with strangers or explicitly ask us out, but they give unambiguous signals that are tantamount to the same.

Learning how to attract a woman, starting from zero, is a miracle but it is not an accident.

If you do things right, you will have your choice of women pursuing you. If and only if you demonstrate through your bearing, your mojo, that you can enrich their lives.

You, man, are further along than you may imagine: at least you know that you "act like a chameleon" and are afraid of so-called rejection. Alot of guys won't even admit that to themselves.

If you want success with women, you can have it. You will have to earn it.

Full disclosure: of the number of schools of thought on meeting women, I am a devotee of one well known school of thought. It has worked for me. Rather than buzz market it here, pm me if you want specifics.

I said that to say this:

"If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you've always gotten."

So "trying harder" won't work for you; you will have to "try different" plus "try harder".

Lots of other guys have been in your situation. Some try what has worked for other men, and achieved their goals.

Also, thanks for sobriety congrats. Straightedge dating is so satisfying. It is.... wow. Real.

[arslan1]

Almost all my other relationships were the whirlwind type, spontaneously evolving from a drunken episode. I think I might still be a virgin today if I never took my first drink of alcohol. The last woman I dated pursued me. My sponsor in one of my programs told me, "If you drag a net around behind you, you're gonna catch fish, but if you use the right bait, you're gonna catch the fish you really want." I'm definitely a net fisherman.