Self Medicating

[CrazyCanadian]

Hi. It's my first time posting. I've always had troubles, and went through alot of counselling and in patient treatment at age fifteen. I attended AA and stayed sober from fifteen to twenty two. I had alot of moods and depression to deal with in that time, but I went to meetings almost every night and relied heavily on the group.
At twenty two, I had my first joint and have not stopped since, and I am now thirty seven. At twenty two, I began antidepressants. At twenty two I was married and am still married. I moved away from al my support systems and tried it on my own. So hear I am. Smoking every day, on Cymbalta and wellbutrin, and its starting to get worse. I am starting to think crazy thoughts, and sometimes say things I shouldn't. I can barely leave my house and do not allow others to come in my house. There's a strange reassurance in knowing that others feel or have felt like I do now. I am hoping that if i can build up my strength enough through info and reading others' thoughts and stories, that I can find a way to reach out to someone outside of my little world, and maybe start making changes. My brain is failing me, and alot of it is my fault. Some of it I would have whether or not I was sober, but I think I would be able to reclaim some form of a life if I could see past my own front door. Thanks for creating a place like this, and I look forward to learning.

[Rosie]

Hi

It's good that you've reached out, it's so difficult when you take something that makes things worse not better. Something that worked for me was reading Allen Carr his books have helped so many people, it could help you get rid of the habit and get you back to the man you are inside

(Easyway to stop smoking forever)

[ghughes1980]

In "High" School I was smoking about 2 grams a week and also taking anti-depressants. What I noticed is the weed counteracted the pills. (Also I was later diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which really became an issue with the pot.) I stopped smoking because I would really like to try and find out who I am. I don't think I can do that while smoking pot. So here goes nothing right? I have noticed that I replace being high with other forms of self destructive crap though, I have always been a collector but I did notice a uptake in that activity. obsessive worry, video games (see Paul's audio blog! That not getting up to urinate thing is REAL.) , but most days I look at it this way. The FEAR I feel towards social situations is WAY worse than the shame I feel for not doing anything with my life (because frankly I didn't feel any pressure to accomplish anything anyway.) All this is tied to my view of how others will potentially see me, so what's the easy fix to that? Isolation Then no one can see me try and be "normal" and fail. I understand there really isn't a normal when I have a clear day but then I pass out at 3am wake up at 11 and the cycle starts all over. 22 days now on meds and I feel less foggy but not any better, and not really any closer to finding out who I am.

[sdjustinr]

Hi ghughes. I feel I can relate somewhat. I'm 26 and although I don't smoke pot (anymore) I know what it feels like to be deathly afraid of social interaction. In 2010 I got my own studio apartment and took a lot of pleasure in just being able to be my crazy uninhibited self, but I've since lost the place and have had to move in with various people. Hearing their voices from the living room and hallway absolutely terrifies me and I have no idea why. What's worse is that anytime someone chooses to speak me it's like my brain fails and I can't form a coherent thought to save my life. I get the exquisite pleasure of being able to see myself fail at all of this and I have to try really hard (somewhat counter-intuitively) to try not to spiral into a deep depression. every. single. day.

If you're interested in finding yourself I'd recommend picking up meditation as a discipline. Try reading anything by Jon-Kabat Zinn, especially Full Catastrophe Living. I find it helps me get out of my head most times. Best wishes.

[Cornflake Girl]

I self-medicate and have been throughout my life, from 13 or 14. First cigarettes, alcohol, acid, weed, alcohol, again, sex, video games, reading (trust me, it can be a problem), crank, weed, again, vicodin and soma (hand in hand), crank, again, and more pills. I quit smoking in 2012, as well as quit the vicodin and soma, any opiates, really. I told my doctor and I've told the ER so that no one will prescribe them to me (unless I go to the trouble). I'm committed to staying substance free. However, I find that I have to be vigilant about video-game addiction and abusing food. When I get that down to a healthy amount, I can feel a resurgence of jonsing for weed or a cigarette or pills or SOMEthing.

I am taking Lamictal and Seroquel XR for bi-polar 2 and I meditate (well, I'm supposed to meditate, and sometimes I do). I go through cycles where sometimes I'm doing really well, eating right, meditating, exercising, and then it falls off. I have panic attacks and would really, really like a benzo but, of course, that's out of the question. If I'm being honest, the Seroquel (fast-acting) helps just fine. I have some Xanax that a friend sent me when I felt like I was going off the deep end during a break up, but I'm afraid to take them. I have taken one but I didn't like how they made me feel. And there's the rub. Reality is so fracking hard, so exhausting, so SO. But I have found that self-medicating with substances no longer feels as good as it used to. It just doesn't do it for me.

Food, on the other hand... Oh, yes. That feels great until I eat too much (regularly) and then I feel like a miserable FAT piece of shit. I'm neither bulimic not anorexic and I hope that I don't go down those roads. But it's so hard to make myself stop when I feel full. I hate it. - CG

[Cornflake Girl]

Oh, and I'm 45.

[DelorisInside]

Hi. First time here. I have been medicating since about age 12. I just turned 40 and this mid-life crisis stuff is really kicking my ass. I feel like i'm at the bottom of a mountain. I'm so tired of being sad,drunk,high, tired, fat, ashamed, guilty. I would really like to get to a point where i can make some kind of art on a regular basis but I can't even get far enough out of my own way. I have been smoking crack pretty regularly for the past year or so. I only do it with one certain friend. I don't understand this insane behavior. I maintain by the lowest of standards, meaning I keep my job and show up every day and take showers and blah blah... enough to allow my family to continue to think i'm ok. I'm so NOT OK. I can't believe how hard it is to admit that to anyone who matters to me. I really only do the drugs maybe once every two weeks or so (i know that's hard to believe) but i keep going back. Then the next day/week is the same nauseating uphill battle in my head. WHY?!!!! I do better for a while then just when i feel good again, I go party like a stupid idiot and make myself sick again. Anyone have some good tips on how to stop self sabotage?