Moving Forward

[Snowball]

Background info: I have depression and anxiety issues. I was born in Slovakia, moved to Vancouver as a child, grew up in Vancouver but moved back to Slovakia about a year ago because my parents basically couldn’t find a job/pay the bills and thought they’d fair better in Slovakia. I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t feel as though I could stay and take care of myself. I’m 23 years old.

My mom came into my room to have a chat with me about where I am in regards to moving forward and getting better. I told her nothing’s changed because nothing has. All the things blocking me are still there, all the things I can’t bring myself to do I still can’t.

I guess I have a couple options. I can get a job here. In fact she can get me a job here so from that standpoint it’s the easiest option. I don’t want to live here though so I don’t see why that’s a good idea. Teaching English (which is what she does and what I would/could do) is a useless job where I want to live: in an English-speaking place. I suppose I could earn some money, but long-term it doesn’t help me at all. Oh and of course I don’t feel capable of doing this in the slightest. I don’t know grammar rules well enough, I’ve never taught anyone anything, I’m anxious about public speaking etc. I know exactly how it would go: anxious beforehand, anxious during, anxious after; anxious during every waking moment. Dreading the thought of going to work, dreading hearing my phone ring in case it’s someone from work needing something from me… I’ve experienced it already in other jobs, I don’t want to go through it all again. I can’t handle it.

I could go to school. Well, I could theoretically go to school. I’d have to find one that’s in English and that’s close. My mom did some digging and couldn’t really find any in Bratislava so Austria’s probably the best bet but that would be at least a two hour commute every day. I don’t see how that would work. I went on their website to see what the process for applying is and it pissed me off, although I should have expected it. It’s a fucking nightmare. I need this and I need that, I need a letter, I need a certificate… I can’t do this. It would take every ounce of strength and willpower I have to get all the fucking paperwork in order if I even could do it. I’m halfway around the fucking planet from my high school; I can’t exactly pop in to get a copy of my diploma. And I know that this is the tip of the fucking iceberg. It’s just going to be more and more stress, more paperwork, more deadlines, more “call here”, more “go there” and that’s just the process of getting in to the fucking school. Then there’s the actually doing the work and getting educated. That’s not exactly a cakewalk.

I think about the big picture and it almost seems doable. Go to school, you’ll meet some people, get some confidence, find what you’re interested in, get a degree, use that t get a job and you’re set… As soon as I start to look closer it all falls apart. Why the fuck does it have to be so hard? Why can’t I show up pick out some courses and that’s it. Why do there have to be all these rules and all these deadlines… I can’t deal with it. How do people do this shit without breaking down, I don’t get it.

The last option is to just go back. I don’t know how that’ll work. I can afford a plane ticket, I guess, but that’s about it. So I show up a homeless person and start from there. Lovely. Maybe I can scrounge up some money for a month’s rent so I’ll have a month to get everything together. Ya… that’ll work.

People say suicide isn’t the right option. Some say it’s not even an option. Well I fucking beg to differ. It seems like the best option. It seems like the only option. That or I just continue mooching of my parents, living with them and doing fuck-all else. What a great fucking option that is too…

Somebody tell me what I should do. I seriously don’t see any way out of this shit.

[manuel_moe_g]

I put the forum's suicide copypasta below, not trying to shame you or make you feel patronized, but just a reminder that this forum has to take a rigid stance about talk about suicide, because we are just not capable to do otherwise. But do keep talking, we are listening.

Man, Snowball, I would be lying if I didn't say you have been dealt a shitty hand. I want you to know I honor your sense of pain, you deserve better, you don't deserve pain that makes you cry out like this.

Even though I am no longer suicidal, life still sometimes makes me wonder if it is worth living. But I do seem to have the strength to put one foot in front of the other, which is all it takes.

During my worst times, I often felt like "I must, but I can't". I would say that the biggest change that lets one step out of that dark place is having much more self-compassion. You have to feel it that you are allowed to live as you must moment by moment, without preconceived notions about how you should live. The word "should" is usually the beginning of beating yourself up. Please have compassion for yourself.

The second change to make to step out of that dark place is to hold your pain just like you would hold a crying child. Your pain is not foreign and it is not shameful - you can hold it and validate it and press it close to your chest and even love it like you would a small child that needs you to be like a loving parent. Your pain is the result of things thrown your way, so your pain is understandable, and the part of you that is in such tremendous pain needs to know that you don't hate it. This is "deep acceptance". Please accept the part of you that is so tender and delicate, don't hate it.

These two things don't make things magically better, but they allow you to put one foot ahead of another in a sustainable way, to walk away from the darkest stuff.

Please take care, all the best.

___.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.___

Suicide and Suicide Prevention Resources

Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255

another: 1-800-SUICIDE (1 800-784-2433)

another: type "Suicide Hotline" in you favorite Internet search

another: suicide.org -- Domestic & International Suicide Hotlines

These are your #1 resources, all other resources are conditional on you staying alive, and Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255 is how you will stay alive.

Best online suicide-prevention collection of great resources: suicide.org

"Coping with Suicidal Thoughts: A Resource for Patients" -- Suicide resource packet multipage PDF, a work-booklet using Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)

Resources for helping others, including contacts to social media safety teams -- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline; Help Someone Else Online

Finally, here is a good summary of the precursors to suicide to help you understand yourself and others, it is from a PhD psychologist whose father committed suicide:

American Psychological Association - Thomas Joiner, PhD - Precursors to suicide, for yourself and others

Cheers to you, for scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this copypasta!