How do I tell those close to me that I need help?

[MrSir]

I'm a young guy (18) and I've wanted to get professional help for some time. I despise who I am as a person and indulge in some self-harm. I'm afraid where the darkness in me will lead and feel like I'm cracking. Also, for about two years I've been suffering from panic attacks. My family has a history with mental illness. My Mother alone suffers from depression, anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I want to find help but I'm afraid my parents will feel responsible for my pain if I admit I have a problem. I don't want to become their freak son who's too weak to deal with problems that everybody must face. How can things remain normal with the people around me if the sickness that I live with is exposed?
Please, give me suggestions or some encouragement to confront my family with this. If you have your own stories related to this topic I would love to hear them. God, I hope that doesn't sound as self-obsessed or idiotic as I think it might.

[algernon]

Hello MrSir, again.....I wrote a moment ago to your other post.

Lot's of ideas will come your way with powerful results that promise real improvement.

You are not alone in the world with your problems and actually, at age 18 your RATIONAL SELF has moved you to understand your need for help. That's pretty mature for a young guy......

Many ideas are posted in this forum, so please spend some steady reading on the interesting specifics for you. Also.......the podcasts themselves reveal the psychological burdens of people from all areas of society, social rank notwithstanding. You'll have lot's of references to great/proven books for your mental health and experiences that will take many of the unknowns out of engaging professional mental health providers should you seek that. I hope you'll smile at the humor in these passages, because that's timeless big time medicine and many of these people including the entity's creator is a humor master.

I would ask you to spend some time learning mental health vocabulary, a powerful tool for illuminating what is and what happens in a world of thoughts, fears and delusions in which reality still exists. Reality dictates that you have choices that can remove you from events and relationships that are historically toxic.

Stay busy and try to pace youself. No matter your past and your present mental state, what comes ahead can be most pleasing and redeeming if you work hard, think and take your chances. It's exciting when you rise to self compassion and begin to seek a valid autonomy, with proper boundaries and a continuous relationship with reality.

TAKE CARE, MrSir (nothing you wrote at all in any way sounds idiotic or self-obsessed that I can see)

[dare i say it]

I'm a young guy (18) and I've wanted to get professional help for some time.

Awesome idea. I wish I had the good judgment to follow through with something like that when I was 18.

I'm afraid where the darkness in me will lead and feel like I'm cracking.

I have been there. It's really, really good that you opened up about that. It can definitely get better (MUCH better), but it's going to require you to make the first move.

I want to find help but I'm afraid my parents will feel responsible for my pain if I admit I have a problem. I don't want to become their freak son who's too weak to deal with problems that everybody must face.

I don't know your parents, but I suspect they would like nothing more than for you to be happy and healthy. Just knowing that you are getting in touch with the right resources to get your life back on track may bring them a lot of comfort. When a baby has a high fever, the parents may get nervous and they may blame themselves, but more than anything they just want their child to get better, right?

God, I hope that doesn't sound as self-obsessed or idiotic as I think it might.

Not even a little.

If it would help to have a more specific suggestion on how to "make the first move," please let us know.

Dan

[cyanidebreathmint]

I didn't want to share my experience with this, thinking is might dissuade you from seeking treatment. But, then, I think if I had heard a similar story earlier I may have started getting help earlier.

Almost everyone in my family has some kind of mental illness. Some are diagnosed, some not. None are really open about it at all. (This is something I think it should be important to change, especially within families)

The fact that mental illness is a very common family trait did not mean that when I started presenting with intense symptoms there was any kind of recognition or support from my family. I had uncontrollable crying jags that family members in attempting compassion agreed to cover up and not mention to my parents or mention again period. I had visible self harm that was ignored. I had daily debilitating panic attacks and agoraphobia that was ignored. I called an ambulance during a panic attack, sure I was dying from a heart attack. I stayed in bed sometimes for full days. I drank. And finally, after a lot of anguish, when I finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed and prescribed medication, my mother became withdrawn and wouldn't talk about it and referred to my problems as "allergies." My father, who suffered with depression, when I mentioned my problem with it to him on the phone also became withdrawn and silent and wouldn't talk about it. My stepfather said he thought my problems were caused by thinking too much. (at least he spoke about it, though.)

Because of all of these kinds of reactions, I had a lot of self doubt and WASTED a lot of time not doing what I knew all along I needed to do-get proper help. (don't fall into this trap!)

Beside all that, I am positive my family loves me. But, love does not always mean that the people in your life will be always willing and able to offer support and guidance. Love just means love. But what's great about it is even when our loved ones don't understand, support or have the emotional availability to even acknowledge the full spectrum of humanity in their loved ones, this doesn't mean they withdraw their love from us. We still get to bask in it. What it does mean is that we cannot have all of our needs met by others in the ways and times we want or even need. We must seek out what nourishes and betters ourselves from the sources available and healthy to us.

Addressing your specific concerns, I'd say:

1.

I'm afraid my parents will feel responsible for my pain if I admit I have a problem.

When my mother ignored and seemed insulted by my diagnosis and prescription, I had a feeling this was the problem. Truthfully, I think in a way this is a very natural response a parent would have. They might at least wonder. Ok, so let that happen. It's not the end of the world. What will happen once they process that primary emotion, even if they never mention it to you?
a. pride- wow, my kid is showing he has self-love, maturity, intelligence and bravery in asserting his knowledge of himself and getting some help
b. joy- wow, my kid is happy. that makes me happy.
c. encouragement- my kid is dealing with something i deal with. this gives me courage to deal with my problems, maybe give a renewed effort
d.peace- knowing their kid is happy and can take care of himself AND can accept help and love (aka, they made a thriving human being! bonus!)
2.

I don't want to become their freak son who's too weak to deal with problems that everybody must face.

It's absolutely not cowardice to look in the mirror, give an honest self assessment and decide to do something to improve your life. It is the height of maturity and strength. It is very difficult to get to the point of even basic self reflection. You, my friend, are leagues ahead.
3.

How can things remain normal with the people around me if the sickness that I live with is exposed?

Will things remain normal? Maybe not. Is normal best? Maybe not. If things change, will it be for the worst? Likely not. If things change, will it be drastically? Probably not. People will have a more intimate knowledge of who you are. You will show them another fold of your humanity. It may be easy for some, difficult for others. It will not be impossible. Your life will look largely the same. You don't have to tell everyone in your life everything, either. You can keep some things private between you and your therapist. Also, if you go to college you can usually get counseling for free, confidentially and outside the insurance of your mom and pops. This is often limited, but it's something to think about even as an initial thing or a way to get a referral to a permanent therapist.
4. No, you don't sound self obsessed.

Moral is, you're young and this isn't easy. You can and should do it, though. And it's for you to do for you, and don't worry about the others. People will follow your lead. People will respect your decisions, and if they don't it probably means they are dealing with some issue of their own. Don't take on their issues too.

Good luck.

[cyanidebreathmint]

I forgot to include that all of that stuff happened from around 16-19. And I'm now 24. I very much regret not starting to seriously work on myself earlier. Because even with the diagnosis and prescription, I tossed the pills out after 4 days and instead self medicated with alcohol and other drugs. With stronger family support, this may have gone differently. Or with more awareness and encouragement from outside sources, this may have gone differently. I want things to go differently for you. So, I hope you get support from your family. But even if you don't, you should do it for you. They'll come around, especially when they see you flourishing. Even if they don't, the only thing different will be you'll be not flourishing and not being supported versus flourishing and not being supported. Seems obvious to me which version is better.

[dare i say it]

MrSir, if you're checking back into the forum and you notice a bunch of bizarre posts from 'realizationort' or anything else that seems totally off topic, it's just spam. The moderators do the best they can to keep it out, but it's an uphill battle. Real people are still in here to support you.

[MrSir]

Reading your comments has been fantastic and rewarding and I thank you. There's some stuff I really relate to in what you have wriiten. I hope this gives me the strength and courage in confronting my depression more head on.

[next year]

I have a suggestion - are you still in school? If so, can you talk to a school counselor? That may be a less intimidating first step than talking to your parents or other family members. S/he may be able to guide you through the process of approaching your parents and asking for help.

I agree with everyone else in being impressed with your maturity. I know how hard it is to ask for help, even from those closest to you. It takes a lot of courage. If you have been suffering panic attacks I know that you have courage in spades.

Hang in there.

[MrSir]

I have a suggestion - are you still in school? If so, can you talk to a school counselor? That may be a less intimidating first step than talking to your parents or other family members. S/he may be able to guide you through the process of approaching your parents and asking for help.

I agree with everyone else in being impressed with your maturity. I know how hard it is to ask for help, even from those closest to you. It takes a lot of courage. If you have been suffering panic attacks I know that you have courage in spades.

Hang in there.

Thanks so much for your support. I do have a school counsellor but I don't feel too comfortable sharing such intimate details with someone I see on a pretty daily basis. Really it's a matter of trust. I don't really trust that person enough to share deeply the way I feel I could with someone a little more removed from my life.

[dare i say it]

I think someone mentioned this already, but even if you don't end up going to a school-based counselor for counseling they are a great resource to get referrals to outside help. You never have to reveal anything you don't want to. When you're ready, when you find the right people to work with, being relentlessly honest is the way to go.