How to tell a therapist she's not the right one for you?

[Jules_rules]

So I recently decided to get back into therapy but was having a hard time picking a therapist. I've been in therapy several different times over the years and I've mostly had good therapists. But the times I had questionable therapists, I had a very difficult time ending things. Ever the care-taker and never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, I've gone through with weeks or months of therapy hoping things would get better and too chicken to end it. Last night I had a session with a therapist who initially I was excited about. Her areas of specialty were what I was looking for and bonus, her location and hours are so perfect. But almost immediately, I felt like she wasn't the right one. One of her areas is Life Coach, but she didn't really seem to have it together, seemed to say the same things over and over, I didn't feel like she was drawing the right information out of me, going out on tangents. Maybe she was having an off night, I don't know. My first three sessions are paid for by work, so it's not costing me anything, but I don't know about continuing with her, but I feel really bad. I'm willing to give it one more session, but then if it's still a bad fit, how do I end it?
I feel guilty even thinking about it. Any thoughts?

[in_media_res]

You have a couple of options.

The first is to share your concerns. A competent therapist will accept this and will try to address what's troubling you. It's possible it's just not a good fit, or perhaps they misunderstood something you said. There are many reasons you might not be able to connect in a therapeutic relationship. Someone who is competent will have likely experienced this before and will be capable of dealing with the matter in a professional and caring way. Another option would be to simply drop the relationship. Given the attractive qualities you mention, it seems unfortunate to just walk away without trying to address the negatives.

Regardless, remember that in this relationship, you are not the caretaker -- she is. While you'll of course be civil and polite, her feelings don't really come into play. And if she is angered and upset by you expressing your feelings, congratulate yourself and reflect on your good luck as you get as far away from her as possible. Better to find out now she's unprofessional and unable to separate her own feelings from the therapeutic relationship. You'll save yourself a great deal of pain.

You don't have anything to feel guilty about.

[marathonbar]

I just got out of a therapy session and I was wondering if there were any posts on this topic. I've been seeing my therapist for about 10 months now, and while I really like her, I wonder if I'm getting enough out of our sessions. Frankly, I'd be okay with her if my insurance covered my visits but right now I'm paying $75 a week, which is a lot of money for me. I told her today that I thought I should cut down to every other week, but she said I've been making incredible progress and that she thinks I'm at the mid-way point in my journey and that I shouldn't back off now. Part of me wonders if she's just reacting to losing my fee every week, but I honestly don't think she's that type of person. I do believe she thinks I'll benefit from going weekly, but I just don't know.... I feel so drained and I don't know if it's because this isn't the right fit or if this is truly progress and it's just wearing on me.
Anyhow, I'm rambling. I'm interested to see if other people chime in on this subject. I liked in-media's response. It totally makes sense. Still, it's hard to break up with your therapist.

[fifthsonata]

in_media_res verbalized my thoughts exactly.

they also use it as a learning experience for them - if they get the chance to understand what didn't work between you both and why you're choosing to talk to someone else, it allows them the chance to develop as a professional. To understand what works and what doesn't, to modify their approaches, and to consider new ideas. Perhaps considering it from a development perspective would help you feel at ease with the conversation.

I, unfortunately, terminated my last therapist with no communication whatsoever. After a pretty traumatic incident I was too angry with him to be able to communicate my discontent effectively.

So yes, I advise you speak with them. Be honest, but of course, don't be rude - they're taking your money and you have the right to be picky!

[Stina]

Marathoner,

Ultimately the decision is up to you, how often you see your therapist. Do what you feel is best for you, even if it's just for financial reasons right now. Maybe ask if she wants to see you weekly, you can get a reduced rate for awhile?

[ArmyOfMe80]

I haven't been in therapy for a while but what is wrong with just not scheduling another appointment? "Say, I am not sure when I can schedule my next appointment, since work is no longer paying for it... I will get my finances together and call YOU. Thank you for everything (Warm handshake)."

..And then just don't. And if she calls you eventually, just say, you got busy and meant to call and tell her that you ultimately decided to go with a more affordable option elsewhere. Even say like "acupuncture." That will make it seem less like she is being replaced and more like you are just trying something else...and its going really good.