Shame about action I took

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

Why would I regret asking? Thank you for posting this.

Wow - It saddens me to see how detached you've become from such interesting pursuits and pastimes, based on some of your posts here, made at some very low points recently. (But the big D is why many of us are here, right? ).

If I may use a follow-up from Paul's surveys? -"How does writing this make you feel?"
I hope not more depressed about what you may think you've lost, but maybe as a bit of inspiration & validation that you can reconnect and find some enjoyment again?

(Feeling my reply is a bit inchoate, so I'll end it here.... But wishing you better days ahead!)

SD

[rivergirl]

Thank you for reading my posts, snoringdog and Oak. I thought you might regret asking, snoringdog, because I think I'm so lonely at times that when given a chance I might go on too long.

Somehow last weekend seemed more bearable, maybe because I knew that I was going to my brother's house for Easter. I thought that this weekend might also be better, but I'm overwhelmed by anxiety/grief and feeling of not having anyone in my life I can ask for support.

I've stopped taking an immune-suppressant medication in preparation for my second Covid vaccine tomorrow. I'm ashamed to say I have a lot of fear about the next few days. Prior to being put on that medication, I had severe reactions to a couple of vaccines, and had to go to ER and receive steroids. I'm afraid of having to be at home if I have a reaction to the vaccine, and also afraid that if the reaction is too severe I might not be able to tolerate it in order to allow the vaccine to work.

I think I'm going to have to ask my brother or his wife to drive me to the appointment which is about 15 miles away. It's more because of my emotional state this weekend than for medical reasons. I've never involved them in any medical situation I've had, even taking Uber or a taxi when I had to go to ER or have surgery because I don't feel comfortable asking them for help. This is even worse because it's more for emotional reasons that I feel like I need someone to go with me. They don't understand depression or anxiety (even though their son has anxiety) and I feel like they won't understand this. I know I shouldn't expect them to understand and it's wrong for me to feel this way, but their lack of understanding and being more distant the past five years or so sometimes feels like another reason I don't want to go on.

I'm sorry this is such a negative post. I'll try to write something positive later this weekend if I can.

rg

[rivergirl]

I spoke to my brother and he said that he and his wife will drive me to the appointment tomorrow. He could tell that I was upset and we got into the kind of discussion that I was hoping to avoid.

Maybe this is just fatigue from the past year of isolation, grief about my sisters, etc. but I'm struggling to feel like there's a reason to keep going on. I don't feel like my brother and his wife need or want me in their lives very much, and my mom will probably not be around much longer. I feel completely mentally exhausted and like I don't have the strength to keep pulling myself out of the depths every weekend.

I apologize for these posts. I'm no longer contributing anything positive here or to those around me.

[manuel_moe_g]

I apologize for these posts. I'm no longer contributing anything positive here or to those around me.

It may feel like that with the depression, but nothing could be further from the truth. So you have nothing to apologize for.

Your brother and his wife are just ill equipped to deal with someone who is really suffering and is really real. But even though you feel completely alone, you are not alone.

[Beany Boo]

For much of history women have suffered hardship, intense extended boredom and regular prolonged isolation. If you’re less than desirable or not in a caregiver role, as a woman, you’re generally ignored, or you’re harassed. These are realities bound by prejudice, and they are reality still alive and active.

If you feel like you need to meet a standard of ‘interesting’, contribution or caregiving just to be able to speak, then that’s not mental illness. That’s inequity.

When you say, I’m no longer able to contribute, I think, I wish you didn’t think you had to, and I feel frustrated. Not by you, but by the inequity that demands ‘contribution’ (from exhausted people) as the price of admission.

I’m just glad you’re here at all. As a sufferer, who feels like they must help in order just to exist, I can appreciate how tenuous just being here is for you.

So please stop contributing

If it is healing to stop

And please just stay.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for your kindness, Manny.

And thank you for your insight, Beany. It does feel like when my nephew was young and I was providing a lot of care for him that my brother and his wife treated me as an important part of their family. I know now that having expectations that people will continue to behave a certain way only leads to disappointment and pain. I used to think there were certain people I knew well enough to trust in that way, but I must have been wrong.

This evening I was crying and that made my mom start crying, and that feels like another low.

Thank you again for the support.

[Beany Boo]

Well, you were probably right at the time. Trust is usually temporal.

It takes two to tango.

If it’s convenient for your brother to not know how to negotiate new trust boundaries, then he’s in trouble there.

You keep offering opportunities to reject or abandon you. I just don’t see any reason to do so.



I’m not very trusting. But even a small amount is valuable.

[rivergirl]

Thank you again, Beany.

Today I am trying to focus on getting small tasks done, getting my vaccine, and focus on my breathing and anything to anchor me to present rather than trying to solve bigger issues such as where I will live and what will happen to me in the future. I feel like my mind is too exhausted and overwhelmed so those questions will just lead to fear and despair.

rg

[brownblob]

Sometimes all we can do is to get done a few small tasks.

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

Let us know how the vaccine went. (I had my first shot last Wednesday).

And do not worry about being negative here.
We do not think less of you for it...... just wish we could help.

SD