4 x 4, what I am working on right now

[brownblob]

Interesting. I had always thought of being a robot in the negative. I always think of it in terms of when I dissociate and go into an autopilot/robot kind of state. I think the difference is that there is no on/off switch to this. The way you are talking of being able to turn it off and on to get things done would be a positive.
I do have to laugh picturing you in a cheerleader outfit. Go Manny Moe.

[manuel_moe_g]

I do have to laugh picturing you in a cheerleader outfit.

HA!

[Beany Boo]

I sense an inner voice saying something like, “How dare you have complex emotions that are more than simply instrumental in causing the practical daily tasks required of your assigned role.”

Ouch.

I also sense that this is actually a parent(s’) problem that a sensitive child picks up on. If they could only solve it for the parent, they might get a moment of attention that would make them feel like a family, rather than a burden.

The thing about robots is they have time; time to listen, time to play, to hold space. And they can see to use it when it’s needed.

Their timing is good.

[manuel_moe_g]

[*] i had a breakdown at the age of 25. i haven't fully forgiven myself for some of the fall-out from that breakdown, namely, how i abandoned a group of old high-school friends because they reminded me of some of the saddest times of my life and because they could only play a minimal role in my personal growth.

but if you are going to forgive anyone for anything it would be for all the crap that happens after a breakdown. so i should forgive myself. easy for the logical part of my brain to recognize, but hard for my feeling part of my brain to recognize.

[*] when i am not totally productive, i pretend that i am counseling my daughter through a similar situation she might be going through. it helps. i cannot bring myself to treat my inner child in a loving way, so i still have a long ways to go. but pretending that i am counseling my daughter is effective in getting me into a groove of productive action. also, i seem to be more compassionate towards myself for not being totally productive.

these both are good news for me, will keep it up for the following week.

[*] i mourn not having a "regular" life, because of my brain chemistry and my upbringing. on tv growing up the awkward hero always got the pretty girl in the end. but my awkwardness was quite unattractive, and my weird conceited thinking made me unable to form an effective plan of action (i thought it was all beneath me). life punished me until me ego and identity was crushed, and i was able to build an effective life from the ashes and the rubble. i continually got up after each time i got knocked down. for this i am grateful, but i still mourn not having an easier path in life. however, if it all falls apart again, i know the exact steps to take to build it back up again, so in this way i am "lucky"

[*] my sister-in-law is very sick with incurable cancer, so sick that her doctor will stop the treatment to keep the cancer at bay, and just concentrate in palliative care with morphine. my wife is very depressed. my wife lost her mother last year, now this. i will wake up extra early tomorrow so i have enough time to really pray intently.

[*] i wish this pandemic was over.

[manuel_moe_g]

just had my session with therapist

[*] at the very end, she brought up the idea of "post-traumatic-growth". this is very interesting, will explore more in next week's session

[*] when i have a difficulty, pretend i am counseling my daughter through a similar difficulty. Bring in my little younger self, sitting on a little stool to listen in, to hear what it sounds like to have a loving adult speak calming and productively to a child, my little younger self can hear the tonality in my current-self's voice even if he doesn't understand the words

i would counsel my daughter (in the pretending exercise) in 3 parts:

[[1]] [Validate] that all her feelings are OK

makes her feel felt

now she will be ready to use the CEO-part-of-the-brain/prefrontal-cortex

[[2]] [Strategize] how to use tools and techniques

[[3]] [Nurture] by giving a message that says "you got this! you are smart! you are good enough! i am proud of you!"

gives her energy from hope

this will give her a map to do this for herself later when she is alone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

at work i have a lot of scary programming to do, too much to do in too little time, so i will have a lot of chances to use this stuff. whew

[Beany Boo]

It’s difficult to have that loving relationship when all the F’s are still engaging.

Fight, flight, freeze, flop, fawn or fatigue

If your inner child sees how difficult it is for you to love yourself and that the struggle gives way to you getting lost in self-punishment, he’s going to engage the F’s as well.

The cumulative instances of self-love need to outnumber those of self-punishment. At that time the F’s stop engaging out of reflex and become just another choice.

For myself, the first step to self-love is simply to hold off self-punishment whenever it comes up. It will feel irrational, but hold off regardless. Holding off is a big simple act of love.

You’ll probably override and start self-punishment after a few seconds. But the extra seconds are gold.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, Manuel Moe.

I am too exhausted to offer in-depth thoughts, but I assure you that you are heard.

[rivergirl]

I'm sorry about your wife and her mother and sister, Manuel. That's a lot of loss and grief for her to have to go through in just a couple of years, and for your family to experience as well.

I relate to so much of what you're working on, and to Beany's comments as well. I hope you don't mind my saying that I'm proud of you for continuing this work.

rg

[manuel_moe_g]

Today, in regards to getting things done and being effective, was just meh.

On one hand, i have mindless eating, web browsing, napping

On the other hand, I remind myself that i just have to roll over the next little speedbump

[Beany Boo]

I like the metaphor of the speed hump.

The rational response to an approaching speed hump is to slow down and take it gently.

And then continue.