Long term project: Life Balance

[manuel_moe_g]

You discuss “ego”; can you please define your term?
Ego in the Freudian sense? The modern sense of “egotistical”? Some thing else?

Hello Oak!

I guess in the modern sense of "egotistical", but more precise, based on things I have noticed.

If a rational, dispassionate 3rd party saw my situation and knew my stated goals, and they strongly suggested I take a specific course or stopped a specific habitual action - and I <didn't> take their advice, it could be for one of two reasons: either it is I just can't because of a disorder, or because of ego. Ego, where the rubber meets the road, is all about self-harmful rigidity in the service of a superficially self-serving false narrative about myself.

For example, another lie I would tell myself was "I am going to succeed to such a degree that everyone I ever met will be forced to have a positive view of me", and I would avoid doing anything that might burst that lie. I wouldn't get help (getting help would be a sign that I was broken), and I would reject any minor good and hold out for only home-runs.

Someday I would like to write a little book about all the things that really helped me through all the different challenges that I faced and continue to face. But I have no illusions that such a book could help someone who was a young version of myself to quickly and completely fix their life. Because ego would stop them from being able to take the advice - only as time eroded away the ego, could they find the freedom to take action to help themselves. If I wrote such a book, a big part of it would concern being careful with the ego - being compassionate but firm as the book guides through the stripping away at the ego.

[oak]

Manuel Moe, thank you for defining your terms.

If a rational, dispassionate 3rd party saw my situation and knew my stated goals, and they strongly suggested I take a specific course or stopped a specific habitual action - and I <didn't> take their advice, it could be for one of two reasons: either it is I just can't because of a disorder, or because of ego. Ego, where the rubber meets the road, is all about self-harmful rigidity in the service of a superficially self-serving false narrative about myself.

(Hey, if the following doesn't feel like it applies, then please disregard!)

May I suggest a third possible reason, Manuel Moe?

Secondary gain.

Defining my term, I use it broadly: when we don't do something that is so clearly indicated. There is a payoff (emotionally, psychologically) that is hidden, even from ourselves.

I don't mention secondary gain because I think you have it, but because it is so dangerous: many people choose secondary gain over life itself.

Example: I had a childhood friend who drink himself to death at age 39. It was obviously indicated for him to stop drinking, even at the risk of dying of withdrawals, but he didn't There was some secondary gain. He had a limited quality of life and a bad death all due to secondary gain. Such is my interpretation.

At any rate, if you find this helpful, great!

If not, that's good too!

In general, secondary gain is extremely dangerous.

Edit to add:

I don’t think you are effecting secondary gain here, Manuel Moe.

I mention it because it is something important to know about, and be vigilant to stop when we find ourselves engaged in it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Secondary gain.
Defining my term, I use it broadly: when we don't do something that is so clearly indicated. There is a payoff (emotionally, psychologically) that is hidden, even from ourselves.

Hmm, what do you think was a secondary gain of your childhood friend that prompted him to drink himself to death?

[oak]

I found out, later, that at age 14, his father died.

The young are especially crushed by grief. To wit:

My brother died when I was 19. I spent the next 13 years in alcohol abuse.

Even those five years, 14 to 19, all else equal, and if my theory is correct, gave me enough wherewithal to recover*, where my friend did not.

(* I use the word "recover" in a broad sense eg "bouncing back", not in the 12-step meaning of "recovery" per se.)

Likewise, my sisters, who range from 5-10 years older than me, were of course distraught by our sibling's death, but recovered much more quickly and with less wreckage.

I was already a deeply flawed person by age 19, very much a loner, but I've observed my cohort of men my age (my fraternity brothers in this case), ascend much further and faster than I ever will in life.

I was deeply stunted, and I'll never fully recover. I can still be a better version of me, but I'll never be who I could have been, thanks to one person's recklessness.

Edit to add:

Manuel Moe! I didn’t answer your question lol!

I think my friend got the secondary gain of not feeling traumatic feelings.

(And I’m not sure I blame him. I certainly don’t judge him.)

Likewise, I have all the data and resources and motivation needed to immediately effect a full Mediterranean diet. Such an eating habits would vastly improve my life.

Yet why did I eat two (homemade, awesome) burgers today?

Secondary gain is extremely dangerous, man.

[Mental Fairy]

Oak I am deeply appreciative of your sharing and you also Manuel Moe.

I’m still using my ‘L’ plates here and ego is something that sat at our Sunday lunch table every week growing up. It even had it’s own placemat.

Ego is so hard to stave is it not?
Mentioned this to my Therapist as struggling with my own is slow going.
I will locate a picture somewhere in my archives of myself in 2015, there was nothing left. No hair, no meat on the bones and no self respect. All I heard in my head was lies. And knowing it deep down it was only ignored.

I became relieved when given medication as I would of taken anything and everything to make myself feel worse and not better. Why? Because in my head I didn’t feel i deserved to live. I was a bourbon on my family. It was a slow suicidal spiral. My bowel didn’t work well and I just kept running to both keep busy and numb the pain emotionally. Over time it took a toll on my heart. It gave out and I was hospitalised for reaction to the medication I knew was making me worse.

Ego taught me it’s a lier and it’s not to be trusted. It taught me I was becoming my father and my mother. Two people I have no aspirations to become.

That liar told me I was fat at 48kg. That lier told me I was the best dental therapist in town. That lier told me so many things. I deserved the rape, I deserved the disease and I deserved having bad parents.

One thing I’m learning now is I’m 41, I’m never going to weigh myself again and I will never be the runner I was as it wasn’t healthy.

However…. The ego has an ability to be invisible and sneak in from time to time. It will pay be a visit at stupid hours of the morning and say ‘ hey girl, get up your getting fat…your don’t deserve to eat anything today…your husband hates you for being older…it goes on and on.

Then I step in and say…I’m proud to get to my age …I am a victim and I would never change it…I want to run so I can see the stars and have the world to myself for an hour.

Fight back. The ego needs a punch in the face and it also needs to be put in its place. You are the winner every time you overcome the ego.

Manuel Moe I want a copy of the book you write and a signed copy and maybe a tote bag to match that says…’ Manuel Moe is a positive influence on my life’.

Oak, I want to also have a copy of a book you should write. …with a tote bag also…!!! And SD ..you need to write one also.

We are learning daily and I don’t know what comes after this life but I sure hope we are all neighbours!!