Broken

[Katla]

Over the past few months I've finally managed to get started on my transition, MTF. In doing so, I have scared my wife of 10 years away, she's going to be taking my kids with her when she leaves. We have had many conversations about it, and the result is always the same: she can't stay with me because she's so straight sexually that she can't even conceive of the idea of 'being with a woman' even when it's handed to her and she says she will always love me while saying she can't stay. I know I can't take care of the kids with her gone, so I want her to take them, even if I have to pay child support and never see them. I'm terrified that if I transition socially, I'll lose my job and end up being homeless, jobless, and family-less while trying to pay for my transition in a climate with snow from October until May most years and temperatures that often hit -40 in January. I have to keep living with my wife and kids, knowing that she doesn't want me around until the end of July because I can't afford to break our lease. I've struggled with suicide, depression, body and gender dysphoria, anxiety and minor health problems that don't allow me to escape from any of it for the past 30 years.

I just want to get away from everything. I want to die, but I seem to be unable to commit suicide. I want to run away, but I have nowhere to go. I don't want to struggle anymore, but it's even more of a struggle to stop. I feel like I'm drowning in water just deep enough that just as I'm about to go under forever I get a gasp of air that forces me to keep fighting. I feel like I'm dying of thirst, but just as I can't go on any further, I find a drop of water. I feel like I'm in a perpetual plane crash, and just as I'm about to hit the ground, a gust of wind pushes me back into the sky. I feel like I'm a scattered puzzle and just when I get a few pieces assembled, someone comes along and changes them so they don't fit anymore. I feel like I'm trapped in a video game on 'impossible' difficulty but with infinite lives, so I have to keep redoing the same few seconds without relief or success. I feel alone and lost in a crowded room where nobody can see or hear me.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Katla. You are a good person - your situation is challenging, but you are not broken. You are whole and worthy.

[Brooke]

I can't imagine the struggles of transforming your gender... Society is just so cruel and intolerant of anyone who is not straight... My heart really breaks for people who are struggling and it's not even their own choice...! So much anger comes out when I see the LGBT community suffer... Not only do you feel like you are an outcast in society, but your own wife is not there to be understanding of your situation and be a friend... She has a right to be romantically involved with whoever she wants, but to abandon someone who you have been married to for 10 years, while they are going through tremendous suffering is...I mean, I'm not in a position to judge, but it's her weakness and she doesn't have the strength to be there for you... It must be crushing...

The possibility of becoming homeless, jobless, family-less, etc. are real life problems...they aren't just "oh I feel depressed today" kind of a problem... So my heart goes out to you... I am so sorry you have had so many problems you had to deal with because of your gender...

But the last paragraph was actually really positive for me. I felt a strength in your life. A strength that comes out of your deepest soul. It was uplifting and courageous. I want you to appreciate, focus and see your own strength. There seems to be a force outside of yourself that really wants you to live. Thank you for being so vulnerable with your feelings. I wish you the best of luck!