Still trying but losing hope

[rivergirl]

I keep trying different things to get better, as well as continuing to see a psychiatrist, therapist, and specialist for my physical illness. Today I'm going to a meditation center to a meeting for people dealing with difficulties like chronic illness.

Sometimes I'm scared that everything I'm trying isn't leading anywhere. I'm just exhausting all the possibilities before deciding I have to end my life. But I''m also afraid that I don't even have the courage to do that, so there's just an endless cycle of painful days ahead. Some days are better than others, but every week I have at least a few days where my life feels unbearable.

I also feel deeply guilty for not getting better. Even posting here, I feel like all I'm possibly doing is bringing other people down. I've posted things like this many times before here, I fear too many times.

rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

Even if you are bringing people down, it is important that you let them go through and manage that for themselves. You're honesty about the struggles in your head is what this forum is for. If you repeat yourself a thousand times, someone new is going to log in each of those times and feel relief in the face of your honesty. And for me, it saves me having to scroll back through the forum if you just reiterate your struggles in a new post every time.

People who haven't experienced or witnessed chronic pain and illness can't really appreciate how stranded you as the sufferer feel, and how relentless it is. Their normal reaction of non-understanding and assumption that healing is simple, can be shaming.

The only suggestion I have is take regular breaks from 'not giving up' and 'feeling deeply guilty'. Also, choose moments where you don't hide your actual level of suffering. Sometimes, just fail to accommodate those people who don't understand chronic illness, and be 'completely unreasonable.'

To hear about that would not bring me down in the least.

[oak]

Hi. Thanks for posting.

a. Please don't end your life. You can contact me anytime. For as long as I live you'll have someone who will listen, even if no one else will. (Though many other people will listen, I am sure!).

b. Post here as often as you like!

c. I have no easy answers, or any answers at all, but I do hope you'll continue to take action.

I am glad you posted. Post anytime.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for listening, Beany & Oak. Today was a bad day and I didn't go to work, but remembering your replies made me feel a little less alone.