I'm here

[rivergirl]

Hello,

I'm ashamed to post this but today I'm feeling invisible and wishing desperately that I had a partner/family member that I could turn to. I have a few friends/coworkers that I can talk to on the phone or spend a few hours with once in a while but it's just not enough. I miss having a husband and/or close family that I had in the past so much that it feels nearly unbearable. It helped immensely when I was in the relationship that started last fall but that's over now.

I'm still caught in a cycle where I generally feel relatively okay on days when I work, but on weekends I'm awash in grief, anticipatory grief about losing my mom, loneliness, anxiety about my future, and pretty frequent suicidal ideation.

I haven't stopped trying therapy, meditation, new medication, new social activities, etc. but it seems like finding a partner where we would eventually feel like family to each other is the only thing that will truly help. When my mom is gone I will have no close relationship with any of my family of origin and I don't have children so it feels like I will be truly alone in every way.

Thank you in advance to anyone who reads this. And I apologize for not posting on the forum in recent months. I think I've been waiting to feel better so that I could be a positive light instead of just a negative presence reiterating my same grief and other ongoing struggles.

rivergirl

[oak]

RiverGirl, good evening and thank you for sharing.

Also, thank you for post on my remarkably similar post: Saturdays are filled with stress, anxiety, and grief; our families of origin are nowhere to be found; and there is no substitute for an intimate relationship.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that I hear you, as do the dear friends on this forum.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for the kind words, Oak.

I too thought of the similarity in issues with our families of origin.

You’re a good person and you deserve to be loved.

[Mental Fairy]

I want to hug you. I hear you and feel it in a deep cellular way. I have found myself talking to my mum under my breath at times just so there is still a momentary connection. Sometimes in humour and sometimes in grace. There has been the occasional swear word for her not being here.
Your not on your own here my dear. You may not have a partner right now but that’s ok. I know you don’t think it right now but the right person will come. Be gentle on yourself. You really don’t want to take the next best thing and find heartache again. Not something to be rushed.
I am glad to hear your have friends there, and it is understandable that they aren’t enough. Having only really two friends at the most that ain’t family I can maybe talk too, I absolutely can’t tell them the whole story. They have absolutely no idea of my struggles. My patients know more than my friend.
I like your name rivergirl for a couple of reasons. I love hiking and seeing the paths that rivers run and the beautiful ways they move make me think of you as stronger than you think. You can do this, finding someone is many peoples wants and needs. Appreciating them when we have them is another. Took me years to appreciate the family of two others that I have. I am still learning. It’s hard.
This might sound absolutely nuts but with the shoe on the other foot i once wanted to be alone. I wanted to much to wake up alone. I did more many mornings as I am married to a trucker. (Who’s not a serial killer!) I struggle with touch, I don’t think nice things of myself physically so shy away from absolutely everything. It’s amazing this marriage has lasted.
Grief has been a huge problem and I hear you are the same. It’s something that needs to be managed.
I am not sure what your relationship was with your mum but I would like to hear about her if you wish to share.

There is hope rivergirl, and if we are your hope then best you can let your story be written to form a positive path. Allow us to help write it.

Kia kaha. ( Stay strong hun)
Nga Mihi.
Gia

[rivergirl]

Hello Gia,

Thank you for your lovely post.

I'm happy for you that you've created a loving family. I know it isn't always easy to be in a family and there can be times of wanting to be alone or of feeling lonely in any family situation. I can feel your grief in your posts as well, sometimes below the surface even when not explicitly stated, and I'm sending virtual hugs your way.

Thank you for asking about my mom. She's still here and nearly 96 years old, and I've been living with her in her home for about 18 years, since a few years after my husband left me. I can't believe I stayed that long. My mom is loving and kind, and I wanted to help her financially because my three siblings didn't or couldn't help, but I think it's taken a heavy toll on me mentally, particularly as she's reached an advanced age and become virtually home bound. I see her health declining quite a bit in recent months and the anticipatory grief I've felt for years is increasing. I'm afraid of how I will bear the loss after losing all three of my siblings in one way or another in recent years. I am using meditation and other techniques to try to manage the grief and dread I feel about past and future but on weekends it often becomes overwhelming.

rg

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, RiverGirl. I'm glad you're enduring this weekend.

Well done for getting this all out.

[Mental Fairy]

Hey Rivergirl

You are an amazing person for being there for your mother. Not many people would do that. Something i guess with grief is it pops up when you least want it to. However you have not lost her and you won't lose her. Yes, she will pass away as we all will. She won't be lost. She will be with you in memory or in the belongings that remind you of her. I hate to think of our loved ones as lost. I think once you feel that grief on a cellular level you have found them in a way a level of love and admiration that can't be brought.

I sense you need friendship and companionship of understanding. I wish so dearly we were all not oceans apart. I hope the words, sentences and kindness on this forum gives you some hope you have someone standing right there with you. I think words are the best gift. Having not had the kind ones from my own mother i feel i can't give my son the right ones as i'm also still learning myself and he's 18 in two weeks!!!! Took me this long to see the error of my ways at times.
While you have mum make the most of it, talk about things, listen to music, recall memories. I wish i could!

[brownblob]

Sorry you are feeling so alone River

[rivergirl]

Just a quick note of thanks to Gia & brownblob, with more to follow later.

So good to see that you're here brownblob. I hope you're safe and doing okay.

river

[Mental Fairy]

Sending you warm hug rivergirl