Unannounced visit to my messy home

[inthewhitehouse]

My home is a mess. However it’s better than it’s been in a few weeks. I’ve been doing progress. I live alone and I’m not too bothered with the mess, but enough to make me want to make it better.

Yesterday I had a bad day. My mood was off and I was so angry, for no good reason. But I managed to take a shower, get myself clean and do my hair. I went to a Christmas market on my own and also got some Christmas stuff at the mall. Things that would motivate me to continue cleaning, organising. My mood had changed, I was ready to go back home and get some stuff done.

When I sat down in my car I checked my messages, I had gotten one from a sibling that lives close by. “Hi, I went into your apartment to loan something from your pantry.. you can’t live like that. I’ll come over tonight to help you, is that okay?”

I wanted to throw up and started to cry immediately. I felt violated. I felt angry. I felt shamed. I felt stepped on.

I answered before leaving the parking lot. “No, it’s not okay. The mess is a symptom of something else and I will never get better if I have someone else do it for me. I’ve been alone and lived by myself for a long time and my home is a very private and intimate place. I don’t feel comfortable at all with someone, anyone, entering my home unannounced and definitely not while I’m not at home, who puts their judging eyes on my home and assesses the place based on their own values without having me there to defend myself. I’m hurt, feel trampled on and now I want to be left alone”

I turned my notifications off and drove home. I cried the whole 30 min drive. I parked and went inside, knowing my sibling probably could see me because they live so close by. I locked my door, didn’t even turn on the lights, and sat down on the couch without taking my jacket off. And I cried. And cried. As soon as I heard a sound outside I felt a rush of adrenaline. I was scared, scared that it’s them. It wasn’t.

They have a spare key for emergency’s. They can potentially enter my home at any time. I don’t feel safe. I feel like my freedom has been taken from me. I got a reply “I only want to help and you know that!!”. I cried even harder. Not even a “I’m sorry”.

I’ve struggled with shame my whole life. I’ve been shamed and bullied as a child. I’ve always been messy. I’ve always been a loner. Yesterday I could feel the ptsd shower over me from when I was shamed as a kid. It felt the same way.

It’s such a struggle to get better. It really is baby steps. The violation of my privacy from yesterday felt like someone had put sticks in the wheel of the bike I was riding. How I don’t feel like doing anything at all. The bags of things I bought yesterday is still in the car.

In therapy we talk about how to live not according to other’s expectations but to our own. That you have to start with finding out where we draw our own lines because that is how we can start changing. Little by little. Now it feels like I’ve been put inside a box of shame and that someone is screaming “you better adapt your way of living to our standards or we will judge and in the end push you out and leave you alone”.

This morning I got another text, “I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you. I didn’t meant to”. I still haven’t replied. I feel like I still haven’t processed it. I cried all night yesterday. Today my eyes hurt. My face is swollen. I still feel violated and very hurt.

The person knows about my mental health struggles and knows how messy things can get. They’ve helped me before when I’ve asked for it. But this time it feels very different. They went into my home without permission when I wasn’t there. It feels so unfair, I feel so judged and shamed. I feel like I’ve done something wrong and that I am a horrible person. I have no idea how to move forward. I really don’t want to speak to them, I’m so not ready.

Am I overreacting? I just want to run away and be alone but I have no where to go.

[inthewhitehouse]

I felt a need to reply, scared of the consequences of what an unanswered message could imply. I just wrote “I’m not silent to be mean, I’m silent because it’s what I need right now”.

[Mental Fairy]

Oh hun I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

From what I’m picking up from your message is you are feeling judged, exposed, embarrassing violation of your privacy. Yes, only one person saw your space but it feels like the world walked in and put big spot lights on your life.

This will take some time to process, the fact you had been making progress was commendable but still you feel judged. If you went and stood in the middle of each room and envisioned what you would like it to look like what would the difference be and do you feel you can get to that vision? Just one area at a time.

Your sibling will be worried, will be concerned because they have emotions connected to you. They themselves may feel powerless but also this event may have enforced to them how much they care for you. You are lucky to have that. I still feel they should of called first before going in. Ground rules needed?
The shame you feel is possibly because you feel so violated and exposed. You also feel like that kid again when you were cursed by your mother for being messy. I think the person crying was your younger self as much as your current self.



Thank you for reaching out. Thinking of you.

[oak]

Agreed with Mental Fairy.

This was a gross violation.

I encourage you to change your locks soon.

I say this because they have a demonstrated habit of (1) zero boundaries and (2) acting upon you without your consent.

I also encourage you to purchase a Wifi-based camera or two. I have both a Blink brand and Tensivity, both available through Amazon.

You don't owe family anything.

[snoringdog]

Hello Inthewhitehouse,

It seems like you were surprised at just the wrong time, and it totally knocked the wind out of your sails! Are you feeling a little better now that a little time has past?

May I ask a question or two, if you don't mind?

Have you discussed/explored anything you've related here with your therapist? You're quite self-aware and sensitive and you're trying to improve things, so maybe you're not in the deepest trough of depression...

And you're obviously sensitive to your sibling's feelings, having answered, and they too have apologized, so it seems as though you have some relationship with them, no?

Maybe, if you have the desire, you could write a short personal note to try to explain what happened and how it affected you. (No one likes to feel pushed. They seem like they want to help, but are kinda just blundering through...)

I hope you're feeling better, and have regained a bit of balance today.

Snoringdog

[Beany Boo]

No I don’t think of it as overreacting.

I also agree that it is baby steps.

The weight of the ‘No!’ was clear enough. Let it stand and give it some time.

[inthewhitehouse]

Hi all of you. Thank you so much for replying. It really helped sorting my thoughts and feeling validated.

It’s been a few days and they reached out yesterday evening to ask if I was ok. I am, and I wrote a long message explaining why I reacted as strongly as I did. It’s taken some time to understand it myself. Yes, I’d consider myself pretty self aware nowadays so I surprised myself by feeling so attacked by what happened.

A little backstory.. I don’t have a lot of people around me anymore. Both of our parents have died before they turned 70 and our brother committed suicide at the age of 23. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety since childhood (it was undiagnosed then), the sibling in question suffered from the same. Another sibling has BPD. Im on a waiting list to have an assessment regarding both adhd and autism. I have nerve damage from a back injury (3 years ago) that affects me every day, a friend ended his life this spring.. it’s been a lot and to say mental health issues runs in our family is an understatement. Mom hid her issues with anxiety for many years, but had to stop driving in the end she to panic attacks. Only us siblings knew. My dad was a “typical” emotional unavailable father. Still.. I miss them a lot, especially mom. We talked almost every day. I have 3 people I consider close friends. None of them know each other and all of them live far away from me. So I don’t see them more than maybe ones or twice a year. I’m unemployed at the moment, so that doesn’t help my social life.. I’m really happy that I see my therapist every other week.

Wow.. I realised I’ve just rambled on and done my typical oversharing haha. Anyways. I’m on better terms with my sibling now.. it’s still not ok but we will work it out. Haven’t met them since, I still need some time.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow.. I realised I’ve just rambled on and done my typical oversharing haha.

Hello "inthewhitehouse"! Feel free to "ramble" and "overshare" here!

It’s been a few days and they reached out yesterday evening to ask if I was ok. I am, and I wrote a long message explaining why I reacted as strongly as I did.

Congratulations for using your words in such a self-empowering way!

All the best!

[Mental Fairy]

So pleased you gave more background inthewhitehouse.
You have been through so much.