Father’s death.

[oak]

Thanks, Mental Fairy.

He was gasping like a fish out of water: no one should have to live like that for ten minutes; as you know sometimes death can be a mercy.

And thank you for your encouragement: I need it. I realize how thin my support network (present company excluded, and one IRL friend) is: I have few resources for a significant other, local friends, and financial. I am in for a bumpy landing, but hopefully not a crash landing: I have some resources. I am chastened that I need more, for life's next crisis.

Thankfully I can take all week off work, and I have the tools the short-term counselor gave me (see my other thread).

Otherwise, the world seems increasingly grim and lonely and cold. It seems like the sun will never shine again, like I’ll never laugh or go to a restaurant with friends or go on a date.

But, that last paragraph is the grief talking: we’ll all make it, if we stick together.

[Mental Fairy]

Grief will manifest in multiple ways. Recognise it, acknowledge it and investigate it. Then acceptance will flow.

It’s painful, raw, barbaric at times. We can grow from grief, as heavy as it is and as life draining it can be for the living, it can become more bearable with time.

Spending most of Sunday crying over someone else’s pain, I have learnt it will bubble away below the surface. But please keep looking out at the horizon my friend. I know your head will feel heavy to hold up and your body to tired to stand, but this will pass.

I do not believe in time healing anything. I believe if we use the time wisely we learn from the pain. We just have to sit in it, allow it to come. Keep coming up for air.

Keep in touch.

[oak]

One day at a time. You’re going to experience some really complex emotions that might bubble up in other aspects of your life. Hang in there and we will back you.

Thank you, Mental Fairy. I also reached out to two IRL friends, who comforted and encouraged me.

Friends, I can hardly believe my father was alive 24 hours ago. This is difficult.

In the meantime, today, I've showered and shaved, and will eat. This is 90% of what I can accomplish.

I'm off work all week, so I am going avoid anything too intense, and enjoy favorite old movies, music, and video games.

I know I'll laugh and smile again, but for now it seems so far.

[troebia]

Take care, Oak.

[Mental Fairy]

Oak, can I make a suggestion? Please don’t take this the wrong way.

The heading for this thread; My father is nearing death; visiting, against better judgement, might need to be retired. The reason I say this is you pointed out only a matter of hours ago he was alive. Yes he was, but not living in a kind way. Not in peace and not at rest. He was in the holding pattern of end of life. Once upon a time he was full of life. when that was I am not sure.

Every time you see this title you will maybe get an emotional effect simply by reading it, in a way putting you in a holding pattern and not allowing yourself to process the passing. You may mentally put yourself back into the room at his bedside the moment you read it. This is something you do need to process in your own time, no one person is the same. I just don’t want you to get stuck in your own mental block.


Going by experience when I opened a diary, photos on my phone or even reading some of my old threads I became in a way triggered into an unwelcome emotional state at the wrong time. Mine was sometimes at work, in a shopping centre, at random places due to association to that person I lost.

Seeing a person in that state alone will have an effect on someone regardless of who they are in relation to you.

In time you will need to process this, you may need to use some other methods to help process this. It took me 15+ years to work out how to process the mental effect seeing mum bleed to death over a period of a couple of hours. Visualisation and different forms of mediation and breath work unlocked that for me.

You my friend may keep going back to this moment you had with him that day, for the remainder of your life, in time it will have less impact emotionally but at other times it will set you off like a fountain. You will wish you said some things differently, held his hand longer, connected with him deeper. Let me assure you he knew you were there. You did the right thing, you are and forever will be his son. Nothing can change that.

You are a strong person in many ways. A wealth of information and insight. I have songs on my playlists that immediately impact me because of your suggestions prior to me going into therapy.

Stay safe my friend and live the life dad would have wanted you to live. Because you oak~are worth it.

[oak]

Well said, Mental Fairy. I changed the title.

Thank you for advising he knew I was there. Especially considering your long professional experience in end of life care. I really believe he turned to me, that there was some connection.

I am, and will be, traumatized deeply by what I saw yesterday. I will never be the same. My tinnitus is screaming.

Still, it was the right thing to do, and I’m glad it happened. It was a gift he gave me. It was and is an extremely disturbing image.

I appreciate your advice and insight, Mental Fairy: I know you have earned it at a very dear price, first hand.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak.

It saddens me deeply you saw this, however it is so important some people do. It reaffirms the thinness of the veil so to speak. It reminds us of what matters and what just simply doesn’t.

My struggles with sleep only began after witnessing mums ending. It seemed so barbaric to allow someone to suffer so much in the end of life. Especially when the patient chooses not to be in hospital, then it’s over to the people surrounding to care for and assume position for the last moments, most having no clue what to do.

Your experience has made me think back to my time with mum and my grandma. Both very different passings. My grandma was in the state of your father and from experience and knowledge I can assure you he was in no distress. It’s the bodies way of breaking down. You will know on a spiritual level that he knew you were there. Oak, you were more present in that very visitation because of the past history and the fact there will be no real verbal closure. But nothing needs to be said in those final moments, it’s all said just by simply being there.

It brings up questions about how you plan to proceed with your own mortality, now seeing what you have seen. You can’t unsee that, but you can prevent it from happening to you at an early age.

Appreciate the emotion you are feeling, as the fact that you’re feeling this was means you’re a good soul.

[oak]

Thanks to Mental Fairy
Graveside funeral Saturday: last chance for resentment/drama
Summarizing in two brief sentences my thoughts on my father's life
Main lesson from all this: community

It reminds us of what matters and what just simply doesn’t.

Thanks to Mental Fairy

Well said, Mental Fairy. Religion, politics, and conspiracy theories: they tore my family apart, and mean nothing. Community and fun and memories are what matters. Money only matters to the extent it helps me accomplish connecting with others.

Graveside funeral Saturday: last chance for resentment/drama

I received a not-unkind text that my mother is holding a brief graveside service for just her and us living children. I hope my siblings can play as nice as they did Monday, but this time the sanctimonious and hypocritical religious sister will be there.

Summarizing in two brief sentence my thoughts on my father's life

Overall, my father was a good man, though he actively chose the worst impulses of his generation. Still, he improved himself starting in his 40s, and while his end was bad, his last 30 years were filled with love and connection.

Main lesson from all this: community

All this stuff we worry about means nothing: job title, what car we drive, religion, politics, resentments. It is all nothing.

What does matter to me is connecting with people and making memories. Leading a meaningful life.

I'll post more in this thread, with your kind indulgence, friends, but this experience can and should serve as a wake-up call: I can live better and different, and today is a good start.

[Mental Fairy]

Oak, you’re a different person to what you were back when the family issues happened. You have done a lot of work on yourself. You have great courage and drive.

Be the bigger person, allow no drama, take no crap and stand up for what you believe in. This ain’t no dress rehearsal. This is about your dad, laying him to rest and making him proud.

You got this !

Kia Kaha
Be strong

[oak]

Thank you, Mental Fairy.

That is all good, rational advice. Unfortunately my family is not good or rational.

Friends, though I committed to going tomorrow, my conscience is telling me not to go.

And my conscience has always and only told me the truth, for as long as I’ve lived. Even when I was drinking, as a young man: “Oak, leave now. Don’t trust that person.” Always, 100% accurate.

I know I shouldn’t go tomorrow, but I will.

Here is my plan:

1. Record via my phone in case any drama/yelling/assault starts.

2. Walk away at the first sign of drama, with “drama” as defined by me, right now. No goalposts moving in the moment.

3. After all this, I will never let them contact me again. It may be indicated to change my phone number.

Overall, right now, a few days after seeing them, there is nothing compelling or interesting about being connected to them. One of my brothers in law is a great guy: he had a genuine smile for me Monday. Otherwise, I don’t know these people. They have nothing for me. Other than anxiety and fear (see below), I feel nothing for them. I don’t want anything bad for them, I just want away from them.

I hope I don’t regret going. I regret it already.

I can feel my heart racing, shallow breath, dry mouth, and chest tightness.