Sometimes it doesn't get better?

[Kanata]

I've been doing the dance with depression for 26 years now (I'm 37). It comes and goes but mainly hangs around like some sort of infection that I can't shake. It is starting to flare up again and I can feel myself starting to slip down into the pit. I'm just really exhausted by it. Chronic Major Depressive Disorder is my diagnosis.

I love the podcast. It is one of the things that gets me through the week, but one thing I struggle with is this concept nowadays that it gets better and that others feel like I do. When I go to groups or read things online it seems like others get help by things I have had tried and failed at. I just wonder if there are others out there like me that do all the right things and still don't see it lift. Every day I exercise, meditate, take my meds, eat healthily, interact with my pet, interact with people, journal my feelings, maintain good sleep schedules, do the whole therapy thing. All the stuff that everyone knows really helps and, yet, I am here lapsing into staring at walls and light bulbs. I've been on the med merry-go-round for decades and none have the effect that others seem to talk about. They have never brought me out of the darkness into a place where I feel any joy or point to this life. Since suicide is off the table (not that my mind doesn't love to play with that notion too) it feels like I am here to just endure the next 40-50 years (the joy of the women in my family living to be 100+).

Ah, I don't know where I am going with this. I guess to see if it is true that I'm not alone like Paul says. It feels like I have to put all this effort that others don't just to maintain a pulse. I'm weary and running out my med options and sick of therapy.

[MaryJ.]

Hi Kanota. I sympathize with what you are going through- I go through it too. I'm soon to be 54 =:O and was basically born with depression (or so jokes a past phyciatrist). I don't find humor in it, but it has been a learning process to find humor in certain situations. It doesn't help make one get through a difficult life because depression IS exhuasting. I, like yourself, have tried everything you are suppose to try. Honestly though- that dark cloud still hangs around, I've just learned to deal with it better because I'm aware of myself spiritually. I refuse to identify with that dark cloud. I'm aware of it, even go inside it to look around in meditations. I've yet to figure out how to make it gone, but I've accepted it- like I've accepted I'll never be anyone's idea of physical beauty. That attribute would be fun to have- but really- it's not who you are. I'll leave it at that.

It feels like I have to put all this effort that others don't just to maintain a pulse.

I totally relate, hence- the exhuastion. I have to seriously rest after any public appearance, it is that draining on me. I have to fight with my self sabatage that seems to be a built in reaction to any event that no amount of therapy ever really fixes. I put huge efforts out any time I appear around people. Then I self sabatage because I'm messed up. Abusive pasts seem to do that. I always feel bad for my therapist, like she's wishing I'd go away.... and the self sabatage continues.

Ya, Chronic Major Depressive Disorder sucks! It all does (other diagnoses' as well).

[Kanata]

Hi MaryJ.

Sorry you've had to deal with this garbage forever but am glad that hey, at least the podcast was right and I'm not alone. You are right about accepting it. I seem to get pulled back and forth. I go for years accepting the permanent stain on me and then, occasionally, like now, when I'm suffering from lack of sleep and exhausted I get all moody and want to go in a corner and pout about how unfair it is and blah blah blah. Old patterns I suppose.

Time to just hold tight to the bed and breathe through it I guess.