Anxious attachment/abandonment

[rivergirl]

I think this has been a lifelong issue for me, but after losing many close relationships and even many coworkers in recent years for various reasons, I've become even more afraid of losing anyone else. I even worry about people leaving this forum, even though it's natural that people will come and go as their needs change.

It seems embarrassing to be a mature adult and yet still have feelings of abandonment from past situations, and continuing feelings of abandonment regarding my brother and his wife.

Has anyone else had these issues and overcome them?

[oak]

My old DA sponsor said "normal is a setting on a washing machine".

To the extent that any of us are normal (lol) you are normal.

As newborns we had inborn only two fears: falling and loud noises. Every other fear is learned.

While we could shame each for fears, I take that as a wonderful endorsement of survival: you experience fear and dread of abandonment for very good reasons: people you've been attached to have abandoned you.

You didn't create this fear neurotically, out of thin air. Our ancestors survived because they had fear of sabre tooth tigers.

I see your fear of abandonment as normal and sane. What to do with that is another story, and beyond the scope of my reply.

Regarding people in this forum leaving, etc: looking at the sidebar, I see we joined within six weeks of each other.... seven years ago. We have a stable core of smart, caring people.

[rivergirl]

Wow, I'm surprised that we've both been on the forum for that long. Thank you for being here and for being such a helpful and stable presence, Oak.

Also, thank you for the reminder that there isn't one way to be normal.

My therapist emphasizes having a better relationship with myself as a way to ease some of these feelings of abandonment, and as a basis to form healthy close relationships in the future. I understand that and it's something that I keep working on with some success. But if I think of all of the losses I've had as being my fault, it's so painful that it's unbearable.

I think I'm also grieving that I didn't learn about this sooner, when I was young enough that new beginnings seemed more possible, and when I could easily get into a new romantic relationship. I know that we can't go back and change the past, but I think about how I might have had a stable happy marriage and a family by now. I think that's something that I need to grieve periodically, the way that Manuel_Moe grieves his college years.

Thank you again for being here, Oak.

[Beany Boo]

It sounds like you want to abandon multiple relationships right away but don’t want to be at fault for that. Or maybe do so at least you’ll be recognized for your contributions. You don’t want to lose what you’ve invested, or indeed lose your mind trying to stay a ‘good person.’

Or maybe you just want to give up the positions in those relationships that you’ve been lumped with but are afraid you’ll be cast adrift if you get the manoeuvre wrong.

It’s not your fault. This is difficult. Stay you.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for the reply, Beany.

I think I might have been unclear when I mentioned blaming myself. I didn't leave, but was left by my husband of 15 years, and then by the one guy I had a relationship with since my divorce. I blame myself almost entirely if someone leaves me. I did this even when I was a young teenager and in a long-term "relationship" with an adult family friend. I thought that if I changed myself somehow that he would love me and not just want to have sex with me. Maybe that's one of the places where the pattern started, in addition to having a distant relationship with my dad as far back as I can remember.

I'd like to have had greater awareness about relationships when I was younger so that I might have been able to find someone more compatible. I know it isn't good to envy others, but sometimes seeing couples in long-term happy marriages is difficult for me. I was naive or oblivious enough to think that would be me and my husband one day.

You're always good at thought-provoking commentary, Beany.

[brownblob]

I have felt that feeling of abandonment when a coworker has left before too. Usually for me it is a mix of feelings. There is the abandonment but also the self loathing kicks in because I don't think I should feel that way for losing a coworker. It also reminds me that I don't have any real friends.
You talk about this envy you feel of happy couples and I think that is completely normal. The first caveat I would throw out there is that they are probably not all happy.
Back to the envy, I have felt this many times over my life when I would go to the mall. My partner is disabled, I have no real friends and I am not that close to my family. When I would walk through the mall, I would see all these healthy, happy people with their girl/boyfriends, spouses, friends or family and I would never feel so alone, jealous or sad as I did in that crowd of talking, laughing people.

[Beany Boo]

I understood from what you’d said previously that they had left you. I guess I’m just saying it is okay now if you also leave them, as difficult as that might happen to be to enact. Leave them or the place where you were with them.

I suspect you’ll stay you, and the woman you are, after you have. You just won’t be servicing those relationships anymore.

[rivergirl]

Beany Boo,
Thank you for your explanation. I was reading your words too literally when I should have read them like the zen koan that they are. I don't think it had occurred to me that I could leave those who had left me, but I'm going to think more about how to do that.

brownblob,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and especially the story about being out with with your partner. There's something so poignant about the two of you being together at the mall, and yet somehow also feeling alone while surrounded by other people. And if I'd been there, I probably would have envied the two of you since you had each other, without having any idea what you were really feeling. I hope you're doing okay this week in spite of everything.

rg