Work

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Oak,

Reading it back, it reads a little opaque, so I appreciate you saying that. I’d clean it up but if I start editing, it would literally end up a 300 page novel. I don’t have time for that today.

[Beany Boo]

I’ve just finished an occupational health and safety short training course. There’s a lot of discussion about ‘psychological safety’ standards in the workplace.

It feels like there’s a lot of rhetorical acrobatics. It could happen that standards improve but the majority want to be seen to comply and, don’t really know how.

Then a question popped into my head.

What are safe thoughts?

How do I make my thoughts safer?

Safety thoughts.

[rivergirl]

Hi Beany,

I just read your post of May 1st about the terrible day that you had, and how you reacted. I don't like to think of you experiencing those feelings, but as you said, maybe this is part of the process of your own change and growth.

I relate to these themes of being discarded, invisible, and lacking safety in the world or even in my own thoughts.

I'm curious what you discover if you explore the idea of safe thoughts.

rg

[Beany Boo]

Thank you rg,

I did come out of that day quite well. It’s a bit vague in the telling of that post because I wanted to focus on what was happening internally for me.

It’s definitely that intense. I’m also aware that it’s happened countless times before. I’m also aware that if I don’t find a way to respond differently nothing will change. Not easy when it’s occurring in the most vulnerable part of yourself.

None of my thoughts feel particularly safe. But having the idea ‘safe thoughts’ is a new turn.

I’ll give it a few days or weeks of pondering that appealing notion and I suspect I’ll come up with a few good ones.

[Beany Boo]

I found a new idea,

Cognitive Load

In the context of work, it describes the mental effort required to complete a task. Too many interruptions, too many steps or insufficient information can increase your cognitive load beyond tolerance. Too many tasks in a row, each with a high cognitive load, is dangerous. It’s counteractive to learning and working memory.

Ring any bells?

[snoringdog]

Yes.

Lots of studies on the supposed, illusory "multi-tasking" people talk about have shown that it's not an efficient way of working, and we're not really "wired" for it.

Plus, for me, trying to take on too much without adequate time or prep induces very unpleasant anxiety!

(As opposed to the times when I'm working hard, fully absorbed, things are clicking, and things are being accomplished).

[Beany Boo]

I think I freaked out a barista at work. I don’t quite know what happened.

Pressure at work is ridiculous right now. I think I was unaware of how stressed I was.

The barista called out my name for my order. I approached and said, “Thank YOU, you’re AWESOME!”

I genuinely meant it to be friendly but it felt crazy. And her reaction more or less reflected that.

We were already on friendly terms. I’d never spoken to her like that before. There was something in my tone of voice that was over the top, that afterwards I just felt ashamed of. I still do.

I think I was in the grip of work despair so intensely that her voice kind of broke a spell and she copped the energy of it before I could switch contexts.

I want to go and apologize to her but I’m so embarrassed and scared about making it worse.

Whatever it was, I really didn’t mean for it to happen.

I think I’ll calm down and start soothing myself over the next few days and know better how to respond. I’ll talk it through with my sister.

I think it’s partly a result of the fact that I’ve been trying to hold myself to a higher standard when it comes to treatment of women in the workplace. This incident feels like it took a match to that hope. Still. I can repair that. And maybe this is the universe showing me I can’t just talk the talk. I think it’s saying, “You need practice apologizing.”

It’s a struggle to have a “growth mindset” about this but, I will, and also, try and be gentle with everyone and everything

I think I just learnt the hard way what you’re talking about SD

[Beany Boo]

Reflecting on this post...

I recognize the behavior I displayed.

It was similar to when I had my traffic accident.

I think I may have been ordering coffee, whilst in shock.

[rivergirl]

I don't want to minimize the transgression you feel you committed, Beany, but I'm just guessing that whatever odd energy you may have put out there will probably be taken by this woman in the context of other interactions you've had with her.

As a once young and attractive woman in various workplaces, this would have been the least of what I encountered on a sometimes daily basis. I imagine your coworker has also experienced her share of truly egregiously aggressive or harassing behavior.

I love that you care what impact you had on your coworker, and that you're thinking of discussing this with your sister. The world could use a billion or so more Beanys.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you rg

That means a lot to me.

I more or less got to the same conclusion talking with my sister so, I’m reassured.

I haven’t really articulated this before so my meaning may be lost;

It’s been difficult to empathize with women for me, for the simple fact that their daily experiences often are so egregious.

I think perhaps I empathized fully in that moment with the barista’s experience, the negative experience that you describe. I think what I saw then on her face was the shock of my recognition.

I definitely didn’t like empathizing (she didn’t like it either necessarily). It was awkward and intense. But when I recall the encounter I feel like maybe I can ‘see’ her now without being overwhelmed; or overwhelming her.