The feeling I'm most guilty about

[magicschoolbus]

In the past year or so I've started to have a similar thought/feeling about certain situations in my life. The incidence that I remember most is when a former ex-girlfriend got back in touch with me after 2 or 3 years of not talking because of a fight. She decided to get in touch again because she had been battling cancer and it made her view her life and friends differently and basically made her want to smooth over any negatives or let go of any grudges. Anyway, that's all backstory, the real problem came a little later when she told me she was getting married. One of my first thoughts was, "She's getting married? She's overweight, even more so because of the cancer treatments. She's having all these complications, mood swings, etc. and she can still find someone to love her? Chemo is making her sick and tired so she can barely get out a lot of times and she somehow finds time to date and build a relationship?" I didn't think it all in quite such condensed fashion, but still, all those thoughts were there. I realize they're terrible things to think, and totally unfair. I don't feel that way all the time, but still, at times it comes up. And not just with her. I come here and read what some of you have posted, or I listen to the podcast and the people on there who are having their problems and sometimes it comes into my head again. "These sad, pathetic fucks are married? They have kids and jobs and social lives? It's not fair."

And I know a lot of people listen to the troubles others are having and it can help them by making them feel their not alone and giving them the thought that "if Paul (or whoever) can do it, so can I." And I get that feeling sometimes, too. But probably just as often I think, "How fucked up and weird am I that I'm not even as attractive or successful as a depressive or drug addict?"

Like I said, I know it's not fair. I feel guilty for putting these people down in my mind, and implying that they don't deserve happiness, or at least don't deserve it as much as I do. But at the same time, the underlying question of "what makes me so much worse," is hard to escape. And I can't help but think that even if some of the other thoughts are unfair, that one is basically true.

So, I'm opening this up to you all. Feel free to respond directly to my feelings, or just share any feelings or thoughts you have that make you feel guilty.

[next year]

I think that some of those feelings are more common than you think. I have single friends who get really irked when thinking about someone getting married for the 2nd or 3rd time - I've had a couple of them say to me "THAT person can get married twice and I'm still single???"

I think you can turn those thoughts around and say that if someone with more challenges/shortcomings/etc than you can find a good job, sustain a relationship, etc then you definitely can too! You can't change the world, but you change how you deal with it, right?

[CallSignKay]

As Paul says, you are not alone. I have felt the same way many times. Recently a friend posted on Facebook that he was engaged; this will be his second marriage. And while posting a "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you" comment, I'm thinking, "We're the same age and he's already found someone to love him twice, and I can't even get a date! WTF?!"

But as next year said, you can't control other people, you can only control how you react to it. I wish I didn't feel that compulsion to compare myself with others, because they seem so much better at being an adult than I am. They're hitting the mileposts, they're buying houses, they're building families; is there some guidebook that I didn't get? Trust me, being in my mid-30s, living at home because I couldn't afford my mortgage, and working part-time for barely more than minimum wage is not what I want to discuss with strangers over drinks. It doesn't help that the one time I went speed-dating, I didn't get matched with anyone. That's 14 rejections in one night. Now I can look at that as incredibly depressing or really productive. A whole year's worth of rejection in one night--boom! Quota met!

I know it's a cliche (sometimes they're true) but you need to be okay with being with yourself before you can be with anyone else. People have said it and said it to me, but it's only just now sinking in. I have to stop the cycle of negative self-talk and start reminding myself of my good qualities. And that, yeah, I've been alone for a really long time but that doesn't mean it'll always be that way.

Seriously, if those screaming harpies on Bridezillas can get a man to marry them and sign up for a lifetime of their crazy, there has got to be hope for me.

[magicschoolbus]

Oh, I'm so glad I got responses. Partly because I love it when people are "listening" to me, and also because I was afraid these forums were dead. There is hope yet.

I know you can think "if those people can do it, so can I," but how do you do it? Maybe that's sort of an unanswerable question, but it's where I feel I am. I think I kind of mentioned that in my original post. "If they can do it, so can I" is a great way to look at things, but how do you get yourself in that mindset? For me it keeps turning into "Well, if I can because they can, why haven't I?"

And, callsign, your speed dating story made me think of my short stint as a door-to-door salesman. My bosses always pushed this big 1/10 ratio. So, in their eyes (you always look at the positive as a salesman) if you got 20 rejections in a row, that wasn't a bad thing. That meant you were due for 2 people to say yes. I've tried to apply the same kind of idea to my dating life, but I find I care much more about rejection in my dating life than I do in my sales life.

[next year]

One thing that helped me when I met my husband was really opening up and letting myself be vulnerable. It wasn't all roses and sunshine, we ended up breaking up for a while in our first year of dating, but I was honest with him about what I wanted in a relationship and I don't know that I had ever really done that before. It was pretty scary. Even now, after 16 years of marriage, it can be scary to open up and tell someone what's really going on in your heart and head. It's a big risk, but the rewards are bigger.

I hope that kinda makes sense?

[magicschoolbus]

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. In fact, a friend was telling me basically the same thing just last night. You've got to be honest, got to put yourself out there, but it's still so hard to do. I get paralyzed by fear I guess. Not just in my dating life, but in other things, too. I know and I've even experienced that if I just go forward, with some confidence and a bit of boldness, things usually work out better. Sure, I fail sometimes, but I get over it, and failing isn't quite as bad if I haven't spend a lot of time and energy worrying about it beforehand. Yet, even with that knowledge, it's still so difficult to act. Maybe it all comes down to a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. I can always think of 100 reasons why a girl would turn me down or why I shouldn't start some project or piece of work that I know I need to do. And I don't know what could possibly get me to change that attitude.

[julie007]

magicschoolbus,
thanks so much for your honesty in starting this thread. I have felt that way too sometimes when someone else is in a relationship and here I am alone. I get envious of my friends having someone who's there for them and I think I want what they have. But then I ask myself if I would want to be married to her husband and the answer is always NO WAY. When I look at it that way I feel like I've dodged a bullet. When I'm lonely, I tend to forget how hard it is being in a relationship. My best friend who's been married for nearly 20 years now says that being in a relationship rather than single is just trading one set of problems for another. I have to admit she has a point. And as lonely as I get sometimes being single, the most dreadful loneliness I've ever felt was when I was dating a guy I knew I didn't and couldn't love.

When I get really negative about whether I'll ever find someone, I remind myself I only need ONE man. One good one. Surely with a planet of 6 billion people there has to be one guy out there for me. I like to think he's a great guy who's just gotten free from a bad marriage.

I totally agree about being scared of being vulnerable. I hate it hate it hate it but when I do it, it can be good. Sometimes it's bad but I still give myself credit for having the guts to try. It gives me strength just knowing I did it. You were really brave to share what you feel guilty about here. And your courage gave me courage to share too. Thank you for that. This forum seems like a good, safe place for us to practice being vulnerable.

[julie007]

I know you can think "if those people can do it, so can I," but how do you do it? Maybe that's sort of an unanswerable question, but it's where I feel I am. I think I kind of mentioned that in my original post. "If they can do it, so can I" is a great way to look at things, but how do you get yourself in that mindset? For me it keeps turning into "Well, if I can because they can, why haven't I?"

I ask myself if I have absolute proof I can't do it. Do I know absolutely for sure I'm permanently screwed and it will never happen for me? No I can't prove that. So I have to admit there is a possibility. Maybe my pessimistic jaded outlook on my love life is not the complete picture. I could possibly be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time. And my life isn't over yet. Life is anything but predictable. These thoughts help me pry the door open to let a little glimmer of light into my dark negative defeated thinking. Hope this helps.

Also I think I'm alone because even tho I say I don't like it, unconsciously I've still preferred it to the terror of being vulnerable. But the loneliness is finally getting unbearable and I am forced to face my fear. So unbearable loneliness is a backhanded blessing in disguise.