Worrying about Halloween

[neufena]

I know this probably sounds really lame but I'm worried about going out for halloween tonight. Does anyone else worry like this? Here's my story:

I'm in the UK. Growing up Halloween wasn't much of a big deal but it's become a much bigger event here in recent years (or am I getting old?).

About a month ago (in one of my rare brighter moments) I suggested to my wife we go out for halloween. There's always lots of rock nights on in town. Now I really wish I'd not said anything. My costume hasn't come out as good as I wanted (trying to go for a post apocalyptic wasteland survivor) plus it's based on things I had from an event we went to last year.

So I expect to spend most of the night defending my bad costume to to the overly judgemental people in the rock/alt scene while my wife gets complimented for her outfit (which she's put no effort in to and isn't that special). Everyone likes her no matter what she does where as I have to fight and work just to get the smallest bit of respect. Being so worthless makes it so hard to maintain just the slightly sub normal level I usually operate at.

I've also recently last 3-4 weeks been trying to give social media a miss and have deleted my overgrown RSS newsfeed. This mean I know nothing about what's going on in people's lives and have no new knowledge to use in conversations. I'm ignorant and even more boring than usual.

Finally we've moved house and now live on a quiet cul-de-sac so am expecting children/trick or treaters. For most of my adult life I've lived in flats (having a preference for high up ones) so managed to avoid this. I really dislike (and distrust) children, I'm expecting abuse, hatred and demands for money.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

You DO NOT have to give out candy just because you
Have a house. Many people like to do this because it gives them a sense of community and allows them to see cute children. Personally I don't, but I do it because I liked trick or treating as a kid and want them to get that high of seeing their favorite candies and not cheap tootsie rolls or pennies. I have anxiety about costumes also, I don't know what is appropriate and not so I often get chastised and now just hate the holiday for that. I think parents have gotten too overprotective and don't give their kids enough credit. They don't think they can handle anything remotely scary. Guess what, it's halloween. Scary should be the default.

Women always get more attention just because they are women. This isn't always received well as it also often comes with a sense of fear or objectification. Women are also discouraged from giving men attention so I've noticed a lot of straight men like to have gay male friends around and tease them because they enjoy that attention. I don't get a lot of compliments or positive feedback on my costumes because I never do the "sexy" thing. Sometimes costumes don't work out well when you get creative. Most people understand and won't fault you for it. Awesome costumes aren't the expectation, they're the exception. They get attention because most of us try and don't achieve it. But you might be surprised at how many people appreciate your creativity and enjoy elements of your costume despite maybe not being "the best".

Please don't hold your jealousy against your wife. It sounds like you resent her for probably the things you liked about her in the first place. I suggest sitting down and being honest about your feelings (no "you" attack statements just "I" statements which is hard when you actually try to do it). Just getting those feelings out and known will be a relief. And maybe she will be willing to work on anything she might be doing to seek attention (if she does) or work with you on making your costume better or finding situations where you might get some positive attention.

Anyway, as a fellow kid hater (hated them as a kid and never outgrew it), if you want to avoid trick or treaters just don't answer the door or have your porch light on. When I was a kid I didn't even go to houses if the light wasn't on and I didn't hold it against anyone for not having candy. Or go out, a bar or movie would get you out of the house and make you feel less awkward about ignoring the door.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

I should add that, being a young person without facebook for 2+ years now, people are often more excited to hear from or see me and find conversations significantly MORE interesting when the realize oh I didn't know about this thing? Then proceed to tell me about it with renewed excitement. And they will take more interest on my boring life too, since I'm not updating the world on it every fifteen minutes. Instead of elling them what happened today I tell them about my whole year. Sure I also lose a lot of contacts and people who might have stalked me apathetically and never said a word to me, but is that really a loss?

No one can "know" everything. Sure social media keeps is up to date on some things but it can also be misleading and inhibit real human connection. I know this insecurity very well myself, feeling stupid and fearing rejection. It helps to realize that EVERYONE else has that same fear. And if they are jerks to you, it's probably because they want to impress upon others how worthy of their approval they are by making you the social scapegoat. Acknowledge that you don't know everything and neither do they. Instead of comparing to others constantly in terms of how you "measure up", try to picture yourself with someone who you perceive doesn't "measure up" to you at a party. What would you think of that person? Would you hold that one thing (like a bad costume) against them or ever giving them a chance? I have been thinking of this lately and it has helped me realize a few things about myself, things I need to work on.

Just some ideas.

[neufena]

Hi, Thanks for the big responses. I hope I can do justice to them in my replies (I'm grabbing a few spare moments). Sorry it's taken me so long to even start to reply.

I think we've all learnt from this podcast how the tiniest thing in a child's life can mess them up for life. Not giving them candy might be one of those things. When friends or family members bring children to the house I make sure to be super attentive, never make them feel ignored or unwanted. It's hard but I've after hearing all the stories I couldn't say 'go away' to a child.

When we were preparing to leave my wife's friend commented on how I'd made much more effort than they had. Guess who got all the compliments 'you look great/gorgeous etc'. I couldn't do sexy if I tried. My costume was meant to be authentic and well thought out. Turns out it was so rubbish it didn't even merit a mention.

I try not to hold things against my wife and resent her. I know it's not her fault she's a normal human and I'm a failure waste of organic matter. But I am also human and when I make huge efforts to drag myself up toi even 'ok' standard as a person and she makes no effort yet archives so much it does hurt. I know it's not her fault but mine. I fail even more when I forget that.

Sadly the option to keep the porch light off was never on the table, my wife loves kids.

I'm still learning to deal with the no Facebook or RRS feed thing. Even more than usual I was out of my depth as people talked about things I should know from such sources but just hand to say 'sorry I know nothing' and kill the conversation each time.

It's a weird situation. I'm aware it's impossible to know everything but knowing a lot has given me at least a tiny purpose in peoples lives (that and owning a van). I'm finding it very hard to adjust to having no purpose in peoples lives unless they need to move something. I would love to find someone who doesn't 'measure up' but as of yet I've not found them, everybody holds something over me, is better than me, outranks me. It's what life is like when you're at the bottom.

I just want to add I have had no trauma or bad upbringing. The worse thing thats happened to me is bullying as a child but this happens to everybody and other people turned out fine. There's nothing I can find that makes me feel this way except reality.

I'm sorry I can't talk more, I have to go. I will try to come back here again and write something better at another time.