Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Sunday adventure on the foreshore

[troebia]

If there was one wish granted to me it would be to switch of my negative self talk I am currently grappling with.

MF, on one hand it seems positive that you are so active on many fronts, and on the other (at least to me) your rhythm seems rather hectic. Are you maybe expecting too much from yourself and others? Are you always the one pulling others forward to activity, convincing them? Is the frustration of never quite getting everything into your pace fuelling your negative thoughts?

Maybe I ask this from afar because I have slowed down so much myself. Snapshot from yesterday: I am installing a new stovetop with kitchen drawers underneath, and unexpected problems just keep popping up. I like to take my time with these things because there are always different options and one has to analyse, decide, execute calmly. Wife meanwhile is tearing her hair because she "needs" to have everything done that day. "And how would you feel," I asked her, "if I suddenly had back pain and had to take a break for three days?". I seem to have lowered expectations on performance so much now that we seem to live in virtual different time zones, in the same place.

[manuel_moe_g]

I can’t quite get it to spin fast enough to give me an adrenaline rush!

lol!

Sunday Joe shocked me by joining me on a gentle bike ride along the ocean front.

so sweet

Let’s just say I danced with a bunch of women for the first time in my life after we shared our journeys. It was very interesting but not something I wish to do again anytime soon. I’ll stick to yoga and my two wheeled lover!

interesting

He is looking at getting back behind the wheel. Not sure how this will go as after the women that put herself under his truck has left him with terrible anxiety, I foresee some upcoming changes in his mental state.

will pray for all the best for Joe

If there was one wish granted to me it would be to switch of my negative self talk I am currently grappling with.

i am having some luck in this regard - this is what i am doing:

(1) hug large squishie stuffed animal while forgiving my younger-selves and my current-self

https://www.walmart.com/ip/IKASA-Giant-Pig-Stuffed-Animal-Plush-Toy-Large-Jumbo-30-Pink-Huge-Cute-Soft-Toys-Big-Size-Fluffy-Plushy-Fat-Oversized-Plushie-Gifts-Kids-Girls-Boys-G/221441214

(2) divide my negative talk to myself into

--- (A) criticism of myself that actually helps myself in the future because it causes me to improve - thank myself for this

--- (B) criticism of myself that actually doesn't help me, actually hurts me because harms my mood and my nervous system, but i can sense that the criticism is coming from a place of a sincere desire to help myself, probably coming from a place of fear, so i try hold and soothe that part of myself like i would hold a crying child

--- (C) criticism of myself seems just mean - like a part of my brain wants to abuse me, knowing that it has me a captive audience for the abuse - for this one, important not to reward that mean part of my brain with any energy, just calmly tell it that i know it only wants to abuse me, i am not listening then, and breathing exercises to redirect the energy

a work in progress, but things are improving

Booked to have nails done before we go away, not done that for years. Oak was great at suggesting the colour I was going to go. I do miss him and think of him weekly.

yes, i feel as if we failed him, i know that is unfair, but i feel it still. myself, i had a history of dropping friends, i did it because my autism makes it so that socialization is tiring to me and drains me of energy, and i get resentful when being with friends takes energy away from me but my friends still couldn't help me with my highest goals (and my highest goals are usually around sex, intimacy, and intimate relationships with the opposite sex). It was totally unfair to expect friends to help me with all my highest goals when i wasn't really doing much to help myself, but when i was in such pain, i wasn't thinking totally rationally. when you feel resentful, that is what you really feel.

also, sometimes before you make a change that allows you to achieve your highest goals, you have to hit bottom. maybe leaving this forum was part of him hitting bottom.

but i feel bad, because it is sad when someone has to go through pain alone or with fewer friends

[Mental Fairy]

If there was one wish granted to me it would be to switch of my negative self talk I am currently grappling with.

MF, on one hand it seems positive that you are so active on many fronts, and on the other (at least to me) your rhythm seems rather hectic. Are you maybe expecting too much from yourself and others? Are you always the one pulling others forward to activity, convincing them? Is the frustration of never quite getting everything into your pace fuelling your negative thoughts?

Maybe I ask this from afar because I have slowed down so much myself. Snapshot from yesterday: I am installing a new stovetop with kitchen drawers underneath, and unexpected problems just keep popping up. I like to take my time with these things because there are always different options and one has to analyse, decide, execute calmly. Wife meanwhile is tearing her hair because she "needs" to have everything done that day. "And how would you feel," I asked her, "if I suddenly had back pain and had to take a break for three days?". I seem to have lowered expectations on performance so much now that we seem to live in virtual different time zones, in the same place.

Hi

Yes I do push myself very hard. Have since 2015, before then, not at all.
Others I absolutely don’t push unless they wish to tag along for the ride on one of my hikes, rides or walks. Joe is now into the breath work more because he has seen how it has changed my world. He’s got onto the ice work on his own accord and does it more than me. I have not done an ice plunge in a while. As for him, he is up an hour before me and at the gym and doing his thing. I am not a gym person at all. I would rather burn the place down.

Currently I am redoing my own kitchen and redone all the cupboards. It’s taking me weeks as I like to take my time on it, if I go to fast I will stuff something up. Good things take time, just like cheese! Joe is pissed it’s taking me so long.

So I kind of yin and Yang, slow and fast.

Over the past three years I have slowed down on many fronts. Once upon a time I was running twice a day, biking a bit. I was so consumed in it I ignored my mental state. I became so unwell and so unhappy. Sure I have become more healthy and happy but omg it’s doing my head in not having the fitness and confidence I once had.

[Mental Fairy]

I can’t quite get it to spin fast enough to give me an adrenaline rush!

lol!

Sunday Joe shocked me by joining me on a gentle bike ride along the ocean front.

so sweet

Let’s just say I danced with a bunch of women for the first time in my life after we shared our journeys. It was very interesting but not something I wish to do again anytime soon. I’ll stick to yoga and my two wheeled lover!

interesting

He is looking at getting back behind the wheel. Not sure how this will go as after the women that put herself under his truck has left him with terrible anxiety, I foresee some upcoming changes in his mental state.

will pray for all the best for Joe

If there was one wish granted to me it would be to switch of my negative self talk I am currently grappling with.

i am having some luck in this regard - this is what i am doing:

(1) hug large squishie stuffed animal while forgiving my younger-selves and my current-self

https://www.walmart.com/ip/IKASA-Giant-Pig-Stuffed-Animal-Plush-Toy-Large-Jumbo-30-Pink-Huge-Cute-Soft-Toys-Big-Size-Fluffy-Plushy-Fat-Oversized-Plushie-Gifts-Kids-Girls-Boys-G/221441214

(2) divide my negative talk to myself into

--- (A) criticism of myself that actually helps myself in the future because it causes me to improve - thank myself for this

--- (B) criticism of myself that actually doesn't help me, actually hurts me because harms my mood and my nervous system, but i can sense that the criticism is coming from a place of a sincere desire to help myself, probably coming from a place of fear, so i try hold and soothe that part of myself like i would hold a crying child

--- (C) criticism of myself seems just mean - like a part of my brain wants to abuse me, knowing that it has me a captive audience for the abuse - for this one, important not to reward that mean part of my brain with any energy, just calmly tell it that i know it only wants to abuse me, i am not listening then, and breathing exercises to redirect the energy

a work in progress, but things are improving

Booked to have nails done before we go away, not done that for years. Oak was great at suggesting the colour I was going to go. I do miss him and think of him weekly.

yes, i feel as if we failed him, i know that is unfair, but i feel it still. myself, i had a history of dropping friends, i did it because my autism makes it so that socialization is tiring to me and drains me of energy, and i get resentful when being with friends takes energy away from me but my friends still couldn't help me with my highest goals (and my highest goals are usually around sex, intimacy, and intimate relationships with the opposite sex). It was totally unfair to expect friends to help me with all my highest goals when i wasn't really doing much to help myself, but when i was in such pain, i wasn't thinking totally rationally. when you feel resentful, that is what you really feel.

also, sometimes before you make a change that allows you to achieve your highest goals, you have to hit bottom. maybe leaving this forum was part of him hitting bottom.

but i feel bad, because it is sad when someone has to go through pain alone or with fewer friends

I can say, even in your posts I can tell you are far better off within your thoughts than you were when we first communicated. I adore this progress. Beany was a huge help with this I believe.

[manuel_moe_g]

yeah, Beany was so great

[Mental Fairy]

Hi beautiful people.

I’ve been a little on the low side but hanging in there.
Work has been very busy. Got this coming week to myself in clinic which is nice, will get so much done.

I need to stop looking at the world news, it’s so depressing. Especially when I saw that man set himself of fire in NY. Like WTF!

Just four weeks until Joe and I head away for a few days. I’m very much looking forward to this trip. It’s all based on health and wellbeing, so invested in this. My nervous system course starts this week coming. Very exciting to get into this topic more.

Had an appointment with oncology and the news was as good as could be expected. Need to have a little look inside this vessel of mind and make sure the disease is not progressing any further. All the signs are pointing to yes. I remain hopeful though. I know it can’t be cured and that’s ok. I understand this, I just need to keep as well and as fit as possible to make sure I’m here a little longer. I’ve got stuff to do, roads to ride, hills to climb.
Next Sunday I’m taking you all with me on a 10 hour hike across the rangers of our mountain. So looking forward to this.

I did have this weird cry on Thursday. I just had to try hold it in all day then once I got to my car I just cried so bloody hard. More so because of the appointment I had.

On the plus side I got my glasses strengthened and omg I can see so much better. Was like walking on a boat for a couple of days though. Very happy with that.

Currently sitting in my car in the middle of a thunder storm waiting for the boys to collect dinner. I really didn’t have the energy to cook today.

Just wanted to say I think of you all at least a couple of times a day, my thoughts are will you all, this crazy world doesn’t have enough kind people in it. Something is so wrong with it all.

Kiwi hugs

[manuel_moe_g]

i love this update!

Just four weeks until Joe and I head away for a few days. I’m very much looking forward to this trip. It’s all based on health and wellbeing, so invested in this. My nervous system course starts this week coming. Very exciting to get into this topic more.

too awesome!

Had an appointment with oncology and the news was as good as could be expected. Need to have a little look inside this vessel of mind and make sure the disease is not progressing any further. All the signs are pointing to yes. I remain hopeful though. I know it can’t be cured and that’s ok. I understand this, I just need to keep as well and as fit as possible to make sure I’m here a little longer. I’ve got stuff to do, roads to ride, hills to climb.

blessings

On the plus side I got my glasses strengthened and omg I can see so much better. Was like walking on a boat for a couple of days though.

lol!

Just wanted to say I think of you all at least a couple of times a day, my thoughts are will you all, this crazy world doesn’t have enough kind people in it. Something is so wrong with it all.

Kiwi hugs

Hooray for hugs!

[Mental Fairy]

Well this time next month I will be packing to be collected from our hotel and taken into the mountains of the wild and sexy South Island. I am beyond ready for this trip. Nervous and anticipating the journey this will lead me on in my marriage.

Since i joined this forum, seen a good therapist, left my old job and done some deep dives into my inner most deepest darkest thoughts and feelings, I am finally able to make some sort of headway. Yes, I have some bloody dark days, and even dabbled with the idea of checking out when things got too hard. I am still here.

This morning I got to work and on my remote computer I use to link into our Auckland clinic I saw a message for me from a patient. The patient name rung a bell but I couldn’t put my finger on why. I don’t go to the Auckland clinic as the thought of being in that city makes me shiver with anxiety.
I messaged the patient back and he asked me to call when free. So I did……when he answered the phone i immediately knew by his voice he was a well known cyclist and endurance athlete. He just rode from one end of NZ to the other, then walked back to the start. I happen to be reading a book currently about that very walk. Takes about five months.
Anyway, his teeth are shit. He needs some teeth out and a plate made. So we will be doing it. We talked for an hour about mouth health and his training, my training and our mindsets. I learnt he does these trips for the same reason as me. He is 61. He has trauma and anxiety. I felt a connectedness with him. We booked the appointments and I hung up. Immediately I felt so much better about facing the day ahead. Also he made me feel able to do this 12 hour hike on Sunday across the mountain here. I have been worried about it all week. Training on the bike twice a day and running this morning. Tomorrow will be my last training day and will rest the legs until Sunday. My core hurts so much when I sneeze I have to brace myself as I feel like my rib cage is going to explode and stab everyone around me!

Tomorrow is ANZAC day here so very early start for the dawn service. Will see if I can drag Donya along.

Night before last I slept so well, then last night I began having nightmares apparently and woke up hiding in the wardrobe. Joe and I were talking about it the other day and he feels sick thinking about what had happened to me growing up. I’ve never heard him talk about it before ever. Never once have we spoken about it in any detail.

This might sound odd, I’ve been married to him for 19 years and I’ve never felt I could be myself around him totally. I’ve never felt like I could give myself to him ever. I am only just on the verge of feeling strong emotions for him after all these years, yet I hold myself back and struggle with it. I know this sounds odd. Problem is I find some touch very difficult to accept or receive, my walls go up so fast and I run for the hills. I have never been good at letting anyone into my world unless they have been through something similar or have an understanding of things that are to hard to talk about.

We got a letter in the mail yesterday, very old fashioned I know! It was from the prison where Joes uncle is, he has asked to see Joe. I am not supportive of this but Joe wants to see him for himself. Parole is coming up and we don’t believe the judge will let him out. It is very rare that someone on a life sentence gets out on the first parole hearing. I foresee this could be a stumbling block for Joe and I. Will see how this plays out.

Will take you all up the mountain with me this weekend. I so very much wish I could take you all in person.

https://www.taranaki.co.nz/visit/highlights-of-taranaki/pouakai-crossing/

Hugs to all. Think of you all regularly.

[troebia]

MF, I hope you have a nice walk! I'd like you to know that it's always a treat to read your posts, even though I don't always comment. Hugs.