YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin
Postings on this site are NOT by mental health professionals, rather the opinions & experiences of a community of regular people. If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself or others PLEASE call Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255
I thought I would post an update about some further EMDR business.
The last 2 sessions have been.... difficult. I am happy to share this with you, because so much about EMDR is (rightfully) singing it's praises and I think it's good to show the different ways a session can go. EMDR therapy is still therapy, and it can be difficult too.
My therapist told me we would be doing something called block processing, bc I have run into some stubborn blocks. I did a bit of research into what can cause a block during reprocessing, and a couple things that seem to fit for me is: when there is a part of your present self that agrees with or shares beliefs with the past self you are trying to reassure. Another factor is, simply a very strong negative belief is present and I think that applies as well. My past self cannot be comforted because my present self still kind of believes I'm a loser, bc my life is not where I wish it was. Im kindof broke and don't have financial independence or my own space as an adult, I still feel like my story is not worth telling bc I am not "successful" yet/haven't overcome my struggles to my satisfaction, there's work I wish I was doing creatively but I can't manage to even get started. These are the things that the mean part of me uses as evidence to further this belief, and this is difficult evidence for me to refute, seeing as it's all true. I understand that I have overcome a lot. I understand I am doing pretty well. I understand my story is not finished yet and this phase is temporary, that something is going to have to give. I really hope it happens soon but....I do believe I will be slogging away, in this same phase of pain and struggle, probably for years before I have anything resembling the life I want. I'm also dreading the possibility that I will make some huge strides in my life, finally have some great dream come true, and this feeling/belief will persist.
So. It has been a dark week for me. But aren't my posts always a bit dark?🫠 I don't know what's going to happen in my next session tomorrow evening but I am open to whatever comes to pass.
Swamp Witch wrote: ↑March 6th, 2023, 10:15 am
I still feel like my story is not worth telling bc I am not "successful" yet/haven't overcome my struggles to my satisfaction, there's work I wish I was doing creatively but I can't manage to even get started.
I know this feeling...
I want to write a book, but I am seriously going to start with just a single page of writing, because life is so short, there is no perfect tomorrow that will be the best time to start being creative, today is the best time to start being creative
I am scared because so easy for me to waste the whole day away...
so great to read your posts, Swamp Witch, so happy that you have started EMDR, and that you are sticking with it even in the thick of it
Yesterday I partook in an art project, I allowed myself to be interviewed about a pivotal moment in my life.
I chose my experience with SJS-TENS for this interview.
And of course I did not bring notes so I feel like I left unsaid the best parts that I wanted to say! Lol
They asked really good questions but I get off track easily when I talk about this, so I felt sort of dysregulated and babbly haha which is annoying. When I talk about this I can get caught up in the trauma feelings that come, so it can be hard to return to the positive. Doing this really made me want to figure out how to tell my story better, and to emphasize the positives that came during recovery.
So I figured I would say some of the good things here, to you guys.
One of the questions they asked was, "how did this change your relationship with your body?" And I said some stuff about how working out and running became really important to me, having been so so weak, exercising is satisfying on another level for me now, it's like its own reward to feel the strength that I never had before, to be reminded that the weakness is gone.
What I wish I had said was, I had to learn to be gentle with myself. I have been so humbled by this illness, that I had to give myself genuine, non-sarcastic praise for the tiniest of victories: things like carrying my own drinks into the living room, or walking one lap around the house. And these tiny congratulations felt kind of dumb at first, but the more I gave myself that credit, the more I felt a solid foundation of trust and compassion for myself, that I never had before I was sick (I had very harsh and critical self-talk before). And these tiny victories grew and evolved into the healthiest habits anyone could establish for themselves, and I now am in the best shape of my life, physically and mentally.
There was something else too: when I got released they told me the recovery period is 18 months to 2 years, and for my case it would probably take the full 2 years. The people around me, medical pros, family, friends, everyone seemed to be talking about how long it would take to "get back to normal", back to the way things were. After about a year post-illness, I knew for sure that this was not possible and came to realize that it was not actually what I wanted. I feel like this could be...truly the very first thing I understood about my own needs and wishes: I didn't want to go back. I would not "get back to normal" because back then I hated myself. Something had to change on a fundamental level, I could not continue to mistreat myself if I wanted to recover.
So, I decided to work toward becoming the person I always wished I had in my corner, becoming who I needed. As the one who truly understands, I made it my mission to become my own best friend.
I was asked about the feelings of being disfigured, living with the possibility of never seeing the face I was used to again, never hearing my own voice again. In the interview I couldn't really get past the feelings of loss, but the positive half of this is: for one, I am alive haha, so even if I were disfigured or looked more different than I do, well that would have been the cost of survival and I'd gladly pay that.
It's true I never got to hear my old voice again. But y'know what, the old version of the voice in my head was so harsh, so poisonous and critical, that maybe it's okay that that old voice doesn't get to torment me anymore. The voice I have now, is different and slightly raspy, and it includes this huge moment of my history. I sound the way I do because of what I went through. I think it's kind of powerful that now I when I speak, my voice sounds like recovery.
Also, I have a tracheotomy scar on my neck. I have never for one second, looked at that scar and thought, "What an ugly thing to carry around for the rest of my life." That scar is the mark of a surgeon's lifesaving work! Even when it was a raw wound, this mark has never been something that hurts me to see. I love it very much. I would never have it removed or reduced, I never cover it up. I wear it like a tattoo, a piece of art made from my fight for survival. I believe that if I had more scars or disfigurements on my face or body, I would have come to love them similarly.
You have more strength than you realize. I for one look forward to your replies every time I post here. thank you for being here for us!
All those tiny victories feel insignificant and kindof lame in the moment haha, so small that they may as well not matter. But once you start rounding up to one, instead of rounding down to zero, you're already on the way
I just wish I had said stuff like this in the interview! haha
Powerful, beautiful and honest through and through.
We do not share similar medical diagnosis but I do understand this post more than any I have read thus far.
The scars I own I like to think of them as a medical memoir of my journey this far. Most people wouldn’t understand their meanings but to the trained medical eye they all had a purpose, they were none once superficial, they went to the soul. When my surgeon removed most of the left breast he cut the line in the shape of a happy face. As I age it’s changing! I see him regularly at work and he always gives me the biggest smile.
I resonate so deeply with your words and admire your progress. I never tell my patients that life will be normal in a few days, weeks months or years as all medical procedures can strike an element of fear, relief and glee. No patient is ever the same mentally. physically people change externally yes, mentally the rebuild can take so much longer, and at times it’s impossible to rebuild.
Your post made me sit back and evaluate things today.
Always nice to hear from you. I'm so happy my post resonated with you.
Thank you for sharing about the work you do in the medical field. You are doing the right thing by being realistic with your patients, letting them know they may not be able to go on like nothing happened. Recovery is absolutely possible but it's normal to be in pain after a wound occurs and this applies to mental injuries like trauma too.
I so admire what you do, Mental Fairy. That's so cool you get to see your surgeon!! I'd love to revisit my incredible surgeon and show him my progress, but sadly he passed away in 2020. One day I hope to track down and visit my favorite ICU nurse Becca. She was amazing and so devoted to my recovery, so sweet and comforting to me. My physical therapist was also super awesome, she was so physically strong!! I knew instinctively she could hold me up when I needed support. She taught me how to lean on others for help, and the beauty of her strength honestly brings tears to my eyes, years later.
I love that you said "the scars I own". Not the scars that I wound up with or the marks of what happened. You own them, they belong to you, they live with you. Just like your story. I just think that's really beautiful.
And I am doing okay. However it might be useful for other sufferers of PTSD, especially of a medical nature, to hear a little bit about what's happening lately.
First of all, in recent weeks i have felt largely okay, my mood has been good. But, I think my body has been showing signs of stress. My period came 5 days late this cycle (unheard of for me, my cycles are usually very predictable), I had a migraine recently and couldn't leave my bed for an entire day (they usually dont last all day like that), among some other signs. I was confused for a while about the source of the stress, but now I think it's a PTSD anniversary thing.
So it begins.
In other news, I have an injury to the ball of my foot so my favorite exercise outlet (running) is now off the table and has been for about 3 months now. In response to losing running, I began lifting weights more often but an old, small ache in my shoulder became progressively more painful so I had to stop that as well. Losing these outlets has caused me to gain a little weight which I am admittedly upset about; I worked very hard for over 2 years to keep my body the way I like it and am most comfortable, and seeing that start to go away is wrecking my head a little bit. I don't look that different but one of my staple pairs of jeans is now a bit tight and that makes me upset. At least I will get it back pretty quick once I complete treatment for these injuries. also there are likely lots of workouts I could be doing I just have to find and do them.
Yesterday, I visited an orthopedist for my shoulder. I was not expecting any kind of procedure but he wanted to give me a steroid shot into my shoulder. Needles don't bother me too much, but when he said that I immediately knew I was going to cry. I felt such a strong stress response, I literally stood up while he was talking, looking around like a dog at the vet (or at the groomer but convinced it was actually the vet haha). My fitness watch registered the elevated stress in probably under a minute (usually takes 10-15). Even though I knew logically this wasnt a big deal, wouldnt be too painful and would help me, I was picturing this procedure somehow ruining my shoulder, losing a lot of function for a long time and never being the same, much like my experience w SJS. I could not catch a breath deep enough.
Ortho left the room and a nurse came in to take me to xray, and I told her I have serious PTSD because of my medical history, and she said "oh I'm so glad you said something, we have this freezing spray so you won't feel the stick!" She also said my ortho gives the best injections of anyone in the building, and he is the one she would choose for herself. She was right, they were both very reassuring and sensitive which I appreciated, and the shot didn't really hurt at all. With the freezing spray it was at most mild discomfort.
I always sit well for any procedure, but as soon as they left the room I started shaking uncontrollably and burst into hard, painful sobs. When trying to leave I was disoriented and had to ask for directions to get to the lobby to check out. I am still having a hard time understanding why this happened yesterday, but I do accept that this is the reality of PTSD for me. These incidents are always somewhat bizarre. I overslept and was late for work this morning even though I collapsed early into bed. I am still flashing back to painful memories today, and getting tearful if I sit with my thoughts too long. I can tell I'll probably cry in my car on the way home from work. Not being mentally prepared definitely had something to do with it, so, at least going forward now I know that an injection or other procedure is always a possibility so I will probably not react quite as strongly again.
I'm okay, though. August and September are always hard. I'll call my sister and she will make me laugh. I will snuggle my kitty and she'll flop over for belly rubs. I will cut the watermelon I bought the other day. I will train my core (even tho I hate core workouts), and be reminded that activity is still possible for me. I will take of myself and continue to recover.
I assume you had a lot of built up emotions with not being able to be as active as you once was. That outburst of emotion is normal under those circumstances. Without running in my life I hate to think where I would be. It’s my lifeline.
You come across as far more happier than you were this time last year, correct me if I’m wrong.
Yes I am in a much better place right now, even with the loss of my favorite active habits. It has been a grieving process though. I was eyeing up the half-marathon distance as I had just trained for and completed the 10k distance. I had been running 10-12 miles a week. Now I can't even walk for 10 minutes. I can tell my cardio health is tanking bc I'm getting super dizzy upon standing a lot more often. I begin antiinflammatories tomorrow and will be on them for 6 weeks. Prognosis is good, they say they're pretty sure I can return to running eventually.
Even with the little weight gain it's not like I'm at my heaviest, I think I can lose it pretty quickly. Having done it before is nice, so I know it is possible. Also I completed a workout pain-free earlier, I'll be all right!
Can anyone tell me why it's correcting to gumdrop after I submit? I can understand why some (perhaps dysmorphic) folks might not want to see that word but I swear it's not anabolics lol
🫠 I don't know what's going to happen in my next session tomorrow evening but I am open to whatever comes to pass. 
