Terrified by moderation (I think this goes here...)

[MORITVRVS]

For starters, I'm not sure where to put this as I feel like it is related to OCPD, not explicitly OCD. It falls in line with the first two diagnostic criteria of OCPD:

is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost
shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)

I very rarely do anything in moderation. It's pretty black/white, all/nothing. While discussing this with my therapist in the context of exercise, I explained how when I run/lift/whatever, I do so essentially until I am afraid of passing out. My last run when I was trying to be moderately moderate, my average HR was 175 with a max of 207. I ran 2 1/2 miles (not running the whole way, I surely would have collapsed). I fail to see the allure or benefit of "moderate exercise." In my mind the only reason you exercise "moderately" is because (A) you physically cannot exercise strenuously, and/or (B) you lack the willpower to exercise strenuously. My problem is somewhat compounded by the fact that I hate exercising as sporadically and strenuously as I do.

My therapist posed a thought experiment in which I would go to the gym and use the treadmill on the lower third of the settings for one hour, 5x a week, for two months. He asked how I would react in that situation, what I would feel. I replied, "Embarrassment; futility, inefficiency, waste of time." "What could I hope to gain by exercising like a waify 85 pound girl reading Cosmo? Why on EARTH would others not walk past me and chortle? How could I be assured that the benefits would be enough for my twisted perception to not abandon moderation, any hope of normalcy, and just kill myself?"

Fuck, I don't even know if I have a question. ...how do normies do it? How do they go to the gym everyday? How do they ever enjoy it? How do they motivate themselves? My decisions have always come from a whim or an obsession, and my motivation has always been the compulsion to be perfect or through self-deprecation; none of these ideas fit into the idea of "moderation."

I feel like I have to be perfectly moderate, and that is only possible if I obtain results significantly greater than my sporadic explosive effort til exhaustion ever gave.

These 2 criteria have the most outwardly visible effect on my life (probably a lie, but whatever). wat do?

[manuel_moe_g]

Can you be compassionate to yourself? Some of what you say sounds like you cannot be compassionate to yourself. What you do sounds like mania and then depression and also obsessive-compulsive-behavior, but the main theme is not being compassionate to yourself. Please take care. Cheers!

[oak]

A profound post. Thanks for sharing.

I guess my question is this: What is your goal in exercising?

Is your goal quantitative or qualitative? There is nothing wrong with quantitative, ie a certain heart rate for such a time length.

May I speak honestly, and directly?

Here are two questions you were honest enough to consider, and honest enough to post:

(A) you physically cannot exercise strenuously, and/or (B) you lack the willpower to exercise strenuously

I see both as judging people. Everyone judges all day long. I wonder if you are trying to put distance between yourself and others? I am not sure, just offering that thought.

Regarding (a), what is the standard for "strenuous exercise"? Who created the standard? If there is such a standard, are you qualified to hold someone to this standard? If so, do you have detailed understanding of their physical capabilities and limitations?

Regarding (b), same sort of questions: what is the standard, the definition of "willpower"? Assuming that someone lacks this objective standard of willpower in exercise, perhaps they have amazing willpower in other areas of life: perhaps she is a single mother, and walking once around the park is a real treat for her. Perhaps the other hypothetical fellow has asthma, and is doing the best he can.

No matter the (imaginary) standard, surely the people who are out there trying, modest and fumbling as their efforts may be, surely they are demonstrating more willpower than able bodied people sitting on the couch.

Yet maybe the person on the couch has any number of issues, that we can't see, that prevent them from meeting your exacting standard of proper exercise.

A little more tough love, if I may.

You mention a hypothetical 87 pound woman reading Cosmo. What is it about the feminine, exercise, and traditionally-gender magazines that bothers you?

I ask not to attack you, but to offer you another perspective.

I also offer you, an experiment:

Do exactly as you say: go really slow on treadmill. Smile at people as they pass by, and see how many chortle at you.

Most likely, they won't judge or laugh at you. Chances are they'll admire you for making effort to get/stay in shape.

In fact, if you really want to mess with that accusing inner voice, cheerfully tell anyone who will listen:

"I am going very slowly on this treadmill!"

See what happens.

I do very much like and respect that you are willing to ask such tough questions of yourself. I also honor you for being willing to share them here. Thank you.

[MORITVRVS]

manuel_moe_g hit the nail right on the head (one of them anyway). I am not compassionate to myself. Until literally a couple months ago I had never seen "yourself" as the object of the word "compassionate." From my admittedly twisted perception, self-compassion appears synonymous with coddling, which has negative connotations for a reason. To be compassionate to myself would mean making excuses for my actions and behavior, not assuming responsibility for any consequence of my (in)action, and having an inflated and unfounded sense of self-worth.

I wanted to mention that it is not mania for several reasons, not the least of which is feeling that I *must* accomplish everything, but not that I *can.* I don't have an inflated ego, I just feel the crushing weight of my own self-hatred that finally crosses the threshold to make me do something until I my exhaustion counterbalances my hatred.

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In response to Oak, I don't really know what my goal in exercising is specifically. I perceive that my worth and value is determined largely by how favorably I compare to my peers. I exercise to lose fat. I exercise to gain muscle. I exercise to gain endurance. I exercise (rarely) to feel better.

I don't exercise for specific quantitative reasons or gains. I don't attempt to maintain XXX heart rate for some time length. An issue that I have, which undoubtedly goes with a lack of self-compassion, is my unwillingness (?) to be a novice. When I run, I run at what I consider a marginally acceptable pace for someone who is pacing himself, and not out of shape--somewhere in the range of 6 miles an hour. Keep in mind that I am 6'3" and probably can't go much slower than 5mph without actually attempting to comically run in place. Being on a handful of medications whose side effects include cardiac stimulation, my constant anxiety, and frustration with with my apparent failure, it isn't all that surprising that my heart rate is so high.

Several weeks ago I looked up what a normal cardio HR was for my age, and attempted to stay within range for my short 2.5 mile circuit. I essentially ran 200 yards, walked 400, ran 150, walked 400, ran 100, [...] and the last mile and a half was a brisk walk with my heart rate pretty steadily around 165. I find that wholly unacceptable.

Concerning your inquiry into my views of "strenuous exercise," "physical" limitations, and "willpower," I will explain. As elucidated by Inspector Harry "Dirty Harry" Callahan, "A man's got to know his limitations."

How would one know these limitations without attempting to push their bounds? Strenuous exercise is not one global standard, but rather the level at which each individual must perform to try to push these physical bounds, e.g. lift until failure.

I consider physical limitations essentially just that. The single mother and the asthmatic both have a temporal restriction.

A lack of willpower would be characterized by the unwillingness to attempt such exertion. This is demonstrated by the vast majority of the US populous every day.

Your supposition that "maybe the person on the couch has any number of issues, that we can't see, that prevent them from meeting your exacting standard of exercise," fails to hold water. I am not a tyrannical despot to any but myself, as alluded to by manuel_moe_g's observation.

The part of the theoretical "Cosmo reading waif" that bothers me is that I am not a waif. I do not want to be a waif. I am a 6'3" 195 lb man who feels entirely emasculated by the prospect of wasting time, money, and precious workout space, to walk.

In the situation that I try to make light of the agonizing pace, I would, best case scenario, strike up a conversation with someone and make comedic self-deprecating observations, and their laughter would serve only to wound me more deeply. As a worst case, trying my best not to catastrophize, I would announce my slow pace, get a couple awkward and quizzical glances, and then wish to crawl into a hole to die.

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As can be seen by the length and breadth of my posts, I cannot make myself give brief or vague post. I agonize over my word choice and sentence structure lest someone think less of me for harried brevity. I may have mentioned this, though perhaps I haven't, I have severely low self esteem. In a number of ways I perceive that I am different than the rest of humanity. Many requirements apply to me that do not apply to you, such as the necessity to constantly earn the right to be loved, or accepted, or at the very least ignored.

It is clear to me that my childhood was devoid of any healthy relationships. I neither experienced nor saw expressions of real love. As time progressed, I never recognized opportunities for healthy relationships, leaving me perpetually in darkness. God, I'm miserable.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello MORITVRVS,

please pretend and practice and fake-it-until-you-make-it

talk to yourself as if you were counseling a small child through suffering and trials

it is hard as hell, I try to do it for myself and I suck at it

but it is the only way

somewhere along the way you picked up the bad habit of bullying yourself and not being compassionate to yourself

and instead of success, you find that bullying approach leads to failure

please try

all the best, cheers

[MORITVRVS]

manuel_moe_g, that's actually pretty killer advice. My last psychologist (last year) mentioned something to that effect, and I'm not sure why it slipped my mind.

I have some little nieces, and my psychologist asked me how I react to them when they get upset, or sad, or angry. I replied that I would (using the "upset" scenario) smile warmly and bring them into my arms. I would let them pout and express their discomfort while they sit on my lap, engulfed by my love. I could explain to them why so-and-so was unfair without dismissing the validity of their feelings.

"Do that," was her response. I think I tried it a few times to moderate success, but I think the concept was lost in the vicissitudes of life. I delved into the etiology of my problems a la The Drama of the Gifted Child and became too focused on the fact that I hadn't received that mirroring as a child.

It'll certainly be a challenge.