Scrupulosity

[Ryokan40]

I hear often that a good way of dealing with unwanted thoughts is to recognise that they are unbidden, and to let them drift away by themselves. The problem I have with this is that it isn't just thoughts - its also a feeling/emotion, which seems to make it more "mine". I have scrupulosity, which stems from a childhood steeped in evangelical "fire and brimstone" Christianity. So I can't just brush unwanted feelings off - like feelings or anger or irritation - because I feel too guilty about them. I've tried all kinds of strategies, but because of a lack of local help, they always fail and I struggle even more with resentment. Pretty much all of the books are written from religious point of view, and the treatment is too, ie. it relies on support from the pastor, rabbi, rector, and so on. While I believe in God, I do not practice a Judeo-Christian path. I don't reject it, its just that (a) it triggers my anxiety and (b) I haven't found it to be helpful. I prefer secular or Buddhist approaches, but I have found that, without exception, the Buddhist teachers are unwilling and unskilled at translating between cultural contexts. They more or less (and yes there are exceptions, but they are too distant or in books) take what is useful for east/south-east Asians, and assume it will work in Western countries. All of the therapists I have seen haven't even heard of scrupulosity, and haven't known how to modify ERP methods. In fact all of them seem to have forgotten their psychological knowledge after cramming for the exam. I've tried all manners of medication, and they really have done some serious damage. They made me very impulsive, and I had to come off them to lose the alcoholism, binge eating, apathy, binge spending and chain smoking. They also did nothing for the anxiety. I live in a state where reflecting on life is not valued, and problems are solved at the bottom of beer bottles. Its not very manly to talk about such things apparently. So there's a lot of violence here and a superficial, dishonest glaze of civility and levity. There's a strong "blame the individual" mindset. The fundamental attribution error doesn't apply here. I have a lot of resentment, after decades of untreated suffering, and it seeps out almost endlessly, causing more guilt. There are no support groups, no message boards or forums(?) so I have to go on ones from other countries. So there's a strong feeling of isolation and "it must be me". I know other people with anxiety disorders here, and usually the wheels have fallen off. I exercise, get enough sleep, study and am trying to look after a child by myself. I have no doubt that his quality of life has been affected as much as mine, but again, the approach is to blame the parent, not support them. Coming back to my original point, which i didnt even mean to stray from, is that while unwanted thoughts are not so difficult for me to dispel, the feelings that usually accompany seem to reinforce the idea of me doing it. I have had OCD since I was 15, and have more or less overcome all of the other manifestations of it. Now I just struggle with these thoughts/feelings. My nervous system is in tatters, and not surprisingly, I hold onto weight despite eating only vegetarian food (not high in carbs) and exercise, and have IBS.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Ryokan40. I read your post and I honor your pain. I am unqualified to help but I can give some pointers to things that have helped me, that is the best I can do. I know what you are saying about navigating eastern/western/religious/moralistic books and messages.

On the western side, The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius and all stoic writings are helpful. The ideas of the Epicurus are helpful.

Eckhart Tolle's _A_New_Earth_ is helpful

on the psychology side:

Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy; Steven C. Hayes

For me, embracing what I used to consider failure has given me freedom. I feel my past definition of success was ego driven.

Here is a link for Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) Self Help - http://www.reddit.com/r/dbtselfhelp

I am currently doing EMDR therapy for anxiety http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_moveme ... processing

Please take care, all the best to you, please continue to use this forum as a resource, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[oak]

Hey!

Thanks for sharing.

Recently, a well known radio show (in fact the best known of all radio shows, but I'll pm you rather than buzz market it here) recently had a segment on this topic.

From what they said, it sounds like there is reason for hope.

I am glad you used your voice to tell us about your experience: we are only as sick as our secrets.

[Ryokan40]

Thankyou Oak and manual_moe_g for your links, kind thoughts and interest in helping


Part of the struggle is that I can't honestly say that my beliefs are completely aligned with Catholicism, so I can't help being skeptical about some of the belief-based reassurances that priests (such as de Santa) typically provide.

[manuel_moe_g]

I have found that the only thing I need a type of "belief" for is to counter-act the power of the ego.

I just need belief for these three things:

[1] belief that in the universe good has the tiniest sliver of advantage over evil&chaos - an advantage like 5001:4999 barely anything at all, but an advantage nonetheless

[2] belief that I will improve due to grace, and that my egoistic efforts are unworthy and inadequate, and that I must submit to grace to gain that improvement and healing

[3] I trust my moral intuitions enough to go forth in accordance with them with passion and commitment

Edit: forgot #3

[ocdscrupulocity]

Hi,
I'm so glad you posted. I'm a scrupulocity sufferer as well. So much of what you said is right on point with my battle. You are right in that it's not about disregarding a belief. Personally, my issues stemmed from being abused as a child by a male authority figure...non family. I'm sure you can imagine how that has fueled the scrupulocity. I know in my logical mind that the feelings and thoughts are not logical in anyway nor is the overwhelming guilt, but like you said....these feelings and thoughts become MY feelings, MY sin, MY disgust, MY fear of persecution or ultimate impending ( and we'll deserved) doom and MY shame. Logical or not they become so real so personal and so intrusive everyday all day. I personally am very close to my Christian belief. ..not religion but relationship and it has been the biggest struggle of my life to get where I have gotten in that relationship with this disorder. It's still a major struggle everyday but I do not want to to give up my relationship with God and that growth and how much better my life has been. I do not want to sacrifice everything because of this disorder but everything is such a trigger for the disorder. I have found very few Christian based articles on the topic that were of much help primarily because people are so ashamed. Your post helped me tremdously. Here is another good link. http://beyondocd.org/expert-perspective ... ame-of-god

I know this is an old posting but hopefully you will get my message. Thanks!

[kfcobb]

Hi everyone, I am a master's counseling student studying scrupulosity. I have known many who suffer from OCD and scrupulosity and my research is aimed at helping those individuals.

I am looking for persons to participate in an anonymous survey about scrupulosity and the family. If you could help me out by taking this survey (it takes about 15 min) you can be entered in a drawing for an $20 amazon gift card and I would be VERY grateful. Thanks so much!

Take the survey here: http://tinyurl.com/qa99lga