depression all my life....and bipolar?????

[richardh]

I have suffered with depression most of my life, from age 12 or so to now, (46) . I also have low self esteem, social anxiety, some traumatic background etc. Also never could concentrate very well...although I was always very intelligent and tested well, my school career was difficult because of organization skills, procrastination, etc. I would tend to avoid social interaction if possible and when my wife would take issue with a waitress over a mistake in the order or something like that, I would sort of shut down and pretend not to be there.
About 12 years ago my family Dr put me on Wellbutrin...Since then IVe been on 6 or 7 different anti depressants with varying effects. Most of them took the edge off my anger at least...(I would get disproportionatly mad at stuipd little things, frustrating things....while being totally un assertive and non aggressive, I could blow my top at times over dumb stuff. My mind was always really busy, a million threads at once, and I was always playing out upcoming events in 1000 different ways, imaging the worst all the time etc.

Nothing really helped with the depression. I would still just hit the couch and go to sleep..always my esacape...as well as eating.

I started therapy this year and after going a while, my therapist asked me if I ahd ever been diagnosed as bipolar. I said no, I never had seen anyone but my family doctor for my issues. I think she asked me this because near the end of one of our sessions, I had a lot of things to get out and I did so rapid fire. I did some research and you know there are lots of quizes out there to see if you have this or that, and one can almost always answer a few of them with a yes...but I found that I could answer yes to most of the bipolar questions, even on different tests with different questions. Yes, I know thats no substitute, I just wanted to see if it was something I should explore---I decided it was and talked to my therapist about it next time. SHe said that the medications were different then the antidepressants I had been on, and that piqued my interest, since none of the meds did much to help my depression. So she got me in with a psychiatrist. I explained to him that i thought I might be bipolar and was interested in exploring that possibility. He asked me a series of questions etc, and he did diagnose me as "bipolar unspecified".

I know there is a type of bipolar where you are more down than up....thats me for sure. I never had any manic episodes though, nothing that landed me in the hospital as I hear can happen. There were some days when all cylinders were firing, and I could just tear through tasks, and be far more productive and confident than usual. And feel better than usual. I just called them good brain days. Having said that, I am always good in a crisis, I sort of come alive, and I think my "up" periods were almost situational, when stress increases, when work was busy, when catastrophic things happened, I was always in the zone, its almost like I needed the pressure of crisis to sharpen up and focus.

In my estimation, my bipolar had me down nearly all the time, and my "ups" brought me just above what might be called normal for some people. I dont know if this makes any sense, but thats my theory. As far as the risky behaviour part of it, I did have that from time to time, but I almost think there is some compulsive behaviour at work there.

Ive been taking Lamictal along with my cymbalta for about 2 months now with some great results actually. My depression is a good bit better, I am blaming others around me less for my problems, I can even focus better and my intrapersonal interactions have been easier, more productive and satisfying. My mind is a little less busy. So I am happy with that for sure. I have some hope that the quality of my life will improve.

The one thing that bothers me about the whole thing is at my follow ups with the psychiatrist....mostly its for meds check, we dont really "talk", its just a 10 minute deal. But he asks me questions like are there any guns in the house? No there are not, but what is he implying? That Im gonna go on a rampage or injure myself? And he says things like dont stop taking the meds or you will wind up in the hospital. Ummmm Ive never been hospitalized.....And have I been "functioning ok?" ummm, raised 5 kids been married 29 years, held a steady job all my life, been the sole provider......I know that bipolar can be a real bastard!!!! I have some family memebers who struggle with it, and I feel like a big baby complaining about my situation.....

.The psychiatrist seems to have generalized me and I dont know if it matters...I try and correct him but he doesnt even respond. Very impersonal. Even the first time when we did talk a bit and he diagnosed me. I also worry that since I researched the topic alot that I sort of "talked him into" me being Bipolar, but I didnt lie or exxagerate to him and he's been at it a long time.

I got a new family doctor recently, and she said she'd be glad to take over my prescriptions for the lamictal and cymbalta. I think my plan is to do that, and continue with the therapy. Sad to say I just dont like my psychiatrist and its not like my visits with him are anyhing other than meds checks. Now that ive ramped up to my dose, Im not sure I really need to see him anymore. I think I will go back for the 3-month Ive got on the books now, but thats it.

Also my therapist left the practice so Im in a bit of a spin because of that. I see a new one this week.

Overall, I am really happy with the Lamictal. I do squirm a little with the diagnosis, mostly because of the psychatrists assumptions....no disrespect meant to anyone who is suffering far worse than I am with Bipolar, but like all mental health issues it comes with an unfortunate set of assumptions and stigmas, and I suppose we've all had to perhaps take a while to come to terms with our diagnoses....

I dunno, any input is welcome, Im kind of just airing things out.

[richardh]

Also, I will add a few things.
I always had trouble concentrating on things...like playing guitar----I would sit down and try to learn from a book, or online lessons, but I would get this sort of headache and give up after 10 minutes. I mean real pain in a way.....Ive read that some of bipolar can mimic ADD and I am interested to see if the Lamictal helps---I think it is.

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