Shame

[Delirium]

I have and continue to struggle with a situation. I have had a weird life sexually. No abuse; however, I have had some bad, "heart-hurting" experiences with women I've dated that have made me pretty sensitive to my sexual "ability" I guess.

I am recently married. I love my wife and loved the excitement of being engaged. During our engagement, my old company asked me to come back and work for them and I accepted. It was a great opportunity.

After a month or so, a female co-worker/friend came by my desk as I was working late that night and asked if I wanted to go grab a beer. I initially didn't think much of it but after a couple of drinks it was clear there was something going on. I felt like I was being seduced. She was overtly flirtatious, but I certainly wasn't receptive. I liked the attention as I had occasionally fantasized about this women for years; however she had always been married. At this time though she was currently going through a divorce. She admitted that she had fantasized about me and we both talked about how there had been so much sexual tension between us at work.

I made the terrible decision of sleeping with her that night and continuing an affair with her over the next several months. It was infectious; much of it was purely driven by sexual desire and as time went on I felt like we argued more and the thought of it being anything more than a sexual attraction faded quickly. I also felt ashamed where as she didn't seem to be that bothered by what we were doing. Shame from the very start and it grew as the time passed. Eventually I came clean with my then-fiance. I felt terrible about the possibility of her entering into a marriage with me without knowing this. It simply seemed wrong. She has forgiven me. We love one another outside of just a sexual relationship and she has been incredible in terms of being a person I can count on for support.

We worked through things and have become stronger because of it.

At work, things are a different story. The "other woman" has always been upset and combative about my decision not to call off the wedding and start a relationship with her. While we were intimate, I did have some form of feelings (love?) for her. I can't simply sleep with someone if I know them (for a duration of time) and not develop that. She seems to think she was used. I opened up to her. I shared with her things that made me vulnerable including my depression/bi-polar and the medication I was taking. Things even my own family doesn't know.

Months have passed. I check her work email occasionally. I know I shouldn't but it has become a compulsion. I have found her discussing the ordeal with another female co-worker. They both share (and seem to derive some pleasure) from running me down through personal attacks (what I wear, what I eat, my weight) as well as my professional stature in the office (when I take vacation, how dependable I am, my competency)...most of the time very ignorantly. She told this other woman about me being on medication. I know this after reading a painful remark of "...maybe he's off his meds." I am still adjusting and learning to accept the fact that I'm on medication (about a year now) and so I am somewhat sensitive to the topic. As this went on, both women would pretend to be nice to my face; however, I couldn't help but withdrawal from having any contact with them if avoidable. Eventually I told the women I had the affair with to just leave me alone. That if it wasn't work-related, we didn't need to have any individual contact. That I didn't trust her, felt she was two-faced, knew all I needed to know about her and that I didn't have room for people like her in my life.

She is now trying to reconcile with her husband, less than a year after finalizing the divorce.

I still struggle with having a physical attraction to her a little, but her actions since the affair have practically disgusted me. We use to be friends and I feel like that loss has been difficult for me to deal with more than anything. Obviously this has made work life difficult and I know it's by my own hand...or in this case, dick.

I do the best I can do block her out and the incident and do the best work I can. Some days are easier than others.

If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

[oak]

Thanks for sharing, and willing to be honest.

May I offer a little tough love? Feel free to take or leave anything I write below.

You and your co-worker violated the rule: "Don't poop where you eat".

Then you guys broke the second rule of work-sex: take that secret to your grave.

Oddly enough, that Naughty by Nature song came out when I was a formative 16 years old, I learned well the lesson: "Keep your mouth shut and it won't get back to her or him".

But now the cat is out of the bag. The beans have been spilled.

My advice is that since you got married, live up to the vows you volunteered for, and be faithful to your spouse.

Tough love Part II

As far as reading her email, sooner later you'll be found out. They'll fire you for it, or find some other convenient excuse. All of these online uploads and downloads and views leave traces.

As I see it, you have two job choices:

1. Leave your current job, start all over, and move on from your past.

2. If you "can't" leave your job, stop reading her emails, accept whatever abuse she gives you (remember, you broke the "don't poop where you eat" rule), and wait for the day that may or may not come where they discover your illicit use of email.

This may not be what you want to hear. And it may all be wrong.

I hope things work out for you.

[Delirium]

Thanks for the feedback.

I don't agree with keeping it a secret, "taking it to the grave". That is the only thing I feel good about: that I was eventually honest with people, namely myself. I would feel like my marriage was tainted or a farce if she didn't know. And if people eventually find things out like you say (work email) then it's likely it would have surfaced. The other women is scorned enough to hold a grudge I think she would have sabotaged my wedding/marriage. It wasn't easy to admit my infidelity, but I've never regretted it.

Can't say much about your other points. Does not make it easy to hear, but I don't disagree with any of it. Actually it makes me feel like shit.

Part of my manic-depression is manic moments of impulsiveness...spending lots of money, promiscuity, staying up for nights/days, just a general disregard for anything...no consequence; followed by depression that usually lasts for days.

There was a lot of betrayal in this episode. And not to diminish others affected, but the betrayal of myself...my own morals, my own "code" was (and still is) difficult to deal with.

[oak]

Hey!

Thanks for willing to entertain my worst-case scenarios; like I said, I hope they never happen.

And good for you for being willing to be honest about what happened. Even posting here shows more courage than I might have

I hope things work out for you. Take care.