I hate myself so much...

[NowhereTOdie]

I hate myself so much. My hate and self loathing is so strong I find myself blurting out hateful disgusting insults to myself throughout my day. It 's like Tourette's the way the insults spew out of my mouth at a moment's notice. "Why don't you just die already!?" "Fucking whore, piece of shit garbage" I can't take it anymore. My depression....whatever it is I am suffering with is so severe I just don't see the possibility of any positive change in my near future. I can't cope. I feel scared of everything and in turn anxious all the time. I can barely sleep. I have no real connections with any people. I feel confused too. I have struggled with bouts of depression since I was a young teen. But now suddenly I hate myself so much I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror even. Literally....I nearly fly into rages or cry when I see myself. And that is why I feel confused I really don't know where this strong sense of hate towards myself began. It's like one day I was sad and morose as usual unable to really enjoy life; and suddenly I fucking hate my guts. I can't stand myself. I feel so alone and unworthy of life. I feel I deserve to die. I am married and I feel even my husband wishes I would die just so he wouldn't have to deal with the pathetic mess that I am. I feel like I am just horrible at living.

[weary]

I'm so, so sorry to hear that you hurt so bad. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

You're not the only one who feels this way. You did a good thing, and a brave thing, by posting on here. I don't know you at all, but I know that you can't be as bad of a person as you are seeing yourself right now. Nobody is unworthy of life.

I'm not trying to cheer you up and tell you to look on the bright side and just feel better, because I respect your feelings and the struggle that you are enduring. Try to feel some love and compassion for yourself, try to feel the love and compassion from anonymous strangers on this board, and try to feel the love and compassion of people in your real life.

Especially your husband. Again, I don't know either of you, but if you have been struggling with this since you were a kid (I.e. before you met him) and he married you and loves you and is still with you, I suspect that he understands and accepts that this is part of your struggle right now. It may not be pleasant for him, and it may be hard to deal with, but I don't think he just wants you to die. I think he probably desperately wants you to feel better and probably feels very helpless that he can't really help you and didn't always know how to express how he feels to you. OK, I'm doing a lot of projecting and I apologize.

If you are not seeing a therapist or a support group or anything like that, it might be a good time to start. There are some good books that people on here can recommend too. Thanks for reaching out by posting on here.

[heathen1981]

You're not alone, Nowhere.

There are days I look at myself in the mirror and my inner monologue says, "You fat piece of shit. Why did you get the fuck outta bed? You're going to fail at everything you do today and you deserve anything bad that happens to you." I usually end up going back to bed to cry.

That inner voice is hellbent on making you feel hopeless and horrible about yourself. Thing is, it lies.

Hang in there. It sounds like you're in a pretty dark place, but remember, it's always the worst before it starts getting better.

[lovelovestolovelove]

So I actually registered an account on this forum just to reply to this post, then noticed how old it is, then decided I don't really care. Anyway, I just wanted to say that when I try to explain my more intense bouts of hating myself to others, the way I put it is, "it's like the voice in the back of my head has self-loathing Tourette." I've never heard anyone else use that phrasing before, and I got so excited when I read that. And the blurting out self-abuse thing, I do that too. So yeah. I don't know if you'll ever see this, but I hope you're feeling better now, and thanks for posting. I'm sorry you were in all that pain, but I'm grateful that you were able to write about it. All my love.