Why are nights so hard!

[silverstein23]

I've struggled with body issues for a long time. I was sexually abused by a relative, and it has lead to many issues I struggle with daily, including bipolar disorder. I know they are all connected, but having these body issues is exhausting. It started early- when I was in junior high, I began wearing a skirt as a bathing suit instead of a bikini. This was not me being modest, it was because I felt my legs, thighs, and ass were too big to be seen. I have always been very active- I played multiple sports throughout high school, soccer in college, and workout multiple times a day now. I objectively know I am not "fat," however I feel like I can look better, lose the fat I feel in my sides, have more defined abs, have a smaller face. This went on throughout high school, and by my first year in college I was throwing up after eating. I've done just about everything you can think of to stay thin in an unhealthy way- laxatives, working out for hours a day, throwing up, limiting food intake, "cleanses," and more. Now- I am trying hard to be healthy while not over thinking it. I know how important it is to stay in the present, to learn to appreciate my body for what it offers, and to love myself- but I can't seem to do it the right way. I go through the day feeling OK- I keep myself busy, I meditate when things get tough, I get yoga in, etc. However, at night, I have a difficult time. All I think about is food- eating, not eating, restricting myself, getting rid of the food I did eat. Even if my dinner is healthy (which is almost always is,) if my stomach feels full I become nervous, and more often then not throw up. My family and friends have addressed the issue about a year and a half ago, and they seem to believe I am better now. I know I WANT to be better, but I am afraid to ask for help because I feel it will mean eating things I am scared to eat and gaining some weight. The thought of gaining weight TERRIFIES me! I am at a healthy weight now for my height, but I don't always keep that weight in a healthy way. I want to learn to stay calmer at night, not to be afraid of food, and to love myself and my body. If anyone has any insight, advice, or love to share I could use it