Some of my intrusive thoughts

[randomletter_uckface]

I am overjoyed that there is a whole section for intrusive thoughts!
My past therapists never recognized this as a thing for me, they always acted like I was straying away from the subject when I tried to tell them about how my head sometimes becomes a very narrow prison full of intrusive angry wasp- thoughts.

Here are some of my reoccurring thoughts:

I get a glimpse of me standing on a train track with a train coming at me in full speed, as it hits me I "wake up" from this short flash and flinch away physically.

I am being chased, maybe by a crocodile, and as I snap out of it I retract my legs so that I won't get bitten (usually at the last minute).

I meditate and get a sudden flash of sheer terror and conjure up the worst gore that I have seen in splatter movies like a person being chopped up with a chainsaw or seeing one of my precious cats being tortured and killed by a psychopath.
Last time this happened I had to go check on my cat and kiss her so that her heartwrenching screams would stop ringing in my head.

Weird thoughts like: "I hope I get fired and end up on the street" and then I think "No! cancel that one! I do NOT wish for that" just in case the universe is listening.

Seeing my colleagues and immediately picturing in details what their private parts look like and any weird kink that they might have and what they sound like having sex.

Seeing my friends infant baby and picturing horrible stuff happening to her and then feeling like I have to "cancel that one" and think something nice so that the baby won't be in danger and also feeling guilty about my sick imagination.

I work the night shift alone at a small hotel, sometimes I feel scared and picture someone standing behind a corner ready to put an axe in my head and I brace myself as I walk past this corner.

Always expecting surveillance cameras in weird places, I did this as a child going to the bathroom at home and still do sometimes.
Also I can't concentrate if I'm sitting by a window at home and someone can see me, I feel spied on.

My teeth will probably fall out (but I'm too scared to see the dentist again as he sexually harassed me last time).

"I wish i die"

I get images of me licking or eating disgusting things like shit and dirty shoes, sometimes in a sexual manner


If it's not ocd it feels pretty close.

[randomletter_uckface]

I imagine stabbing myself when cutting up food

and as a kid I used to look down into the toilet to see if a big red lobster is going to come up (I saw it on tv once and it stuck with me)

[oak]

Thanks for sharing!

I'm glad you did.

[randomletter_uckface]

Thanks for replying, Oak!

[rivergirl]

Hi randomletter,
Did you happen to listen to the Maria Bamford episode? She struggles with these kinds of thoughts. I have problems with this too, although it seems to be one issue that's lessened as I've gotten older. I hope you don't feel alone in this since it seems to be very common.

rivergirl

[randomletter_uckface]

Hi Rivergirl!
I have yet to hear that one, thanks for the tip!

[cpa85]

I've been struggling with this recently as well. Always seems to hit me hardest when I am depressed (like, properly depressed). I worry that my lack of interest in things and whatnot automatically means that I'll end up killing myself. And these thoughts make me absolutely petrified. It makes me sad to imagine what it would be like if I were to lose control and do something like that (to hurt myself or others). I hate that feeling. I've never been in a real fight in my life and though I am occasionally angry about stuff and have the odd violent thought now and then, I never really want to be violent to myself or others. It upsets me when I see it happen to other people (I even get a little bummed out when I see a clip or gif of that neo-Nazi guy getting punched, and I have no affinity at all for his ideology).

What I truly want is to just live free of these thoughts. I don't want to die, but that obsessive/over-analyzing part of my mind makes me think that these thoughts keep popping up because some subconscious part of me actually wants that. I've heard/read that this sort of cyclical, feedback loop line of thinking is common. That is a bit comforting, to not be alone, but man it really sucks when those thoughts and feelings are at their worst.