Was this a form of incest/abuse??

[rivergirl]

I have an old ex-boyfriend who is also a member of my family (by marriage) and so we've stayed in touch over the years. Today I mentioned something that has long made me uneasy which is that when we broke up after 7 years together he had a secret sexual relationship with my niece when she was legally of age but still a virgin and had not dated anyone yet, and was still living at home with her parents, not even having started college yet. He was 10 years older than her and had been around her since she was a little kid, both because he was my boyfriend and because she is also his niece by marriage.

When her parents and I found out about this many years later, it was sort of laughed off by my ex-boyfriend and the parents as, "Oh our family is so Jerry Springer, hah hah". I feel like my ex-boyfriend should have known better than to do this to my niece because I was sexually abused by an older family friend when I was a teen (statutory rape & other felonies that I never reported) and he saw the effect that had on me (early in our relationship I would cry when he and I did the specific acts that the older man did to me).

My niece was also very young emotionally for her age at the time this sexual relationship occurred, not self-confident, and sheltered. She had gone to an extremely conservative Christian school & also been homeschooled for a while. She now homeschools her kids and her husband still uses the relationship she had with her uncle as leverage to control her (her husband was pure when they married, she was a sinner). This part of my family including my ex-boyfriend are all fundamentalist Christians so they do not believe in counseling or psychology. They teach that women and even young girls must dress modestly and not "tempt" men into sin.

Today my ex-boyfriend responded about my niece that it wasn't like he had done anything wrong or "like she was a victim" or anything. When he said that she wasn't a victim I felt rage at him. Maybe it is misplaced and I'm making too much of what he did. It actually shocked me how angry I got at him. I couldn't even say anything except that I needed to go.

I'm thinking that I probably just shouldn't communicate with him any more, and I actually did block him from calling me a few years ago, but then he found my work number and called me there. Now he's acting like I'm the one who is being hurtful by bringing this up and that I am overreacting and it doesn't matter because she was not legally underage and it happened a long time ago. I'm feeling like I'm either A) making too much of what happened between them but also that it's possible that B) he's a creep and I'm a creep for having continued to be friends with him over the years. I think part of me knows that I shouldn't have allowed him to remain my friend after learning what he did, and I feel ashamed that my desperation for male friendship/approval overrode my sense of right and wrong in continuing to be friends with him.

I'm actually worried about losing the only male friend that I have, while at the same time feeling somewhat sick at the thought of actually continuing to see him.

I don't know if anyone will read this but it felt good to get it off my chest.

[failbot]

I'd say he's the creep and you're the one with good instincts. I'd also say the fundamentalist Christians in your family are hypocrites for rejecting counseling (which the Bible says nothing about) but laughing off premarital sex (which the Bible condemns). Not that I give a shit what the Bible says, but still.

I know what's it like to doubt yourself. I was sexually abused as a child, too. I'm sorry that happened to you. I think you're seeing things pretty clearly, for what it's worth.

[rivergirl]

Thanks for the reply, failbot (It's a cool name but I really don't think you're a failure, just so you know, and I don't care what anyone thinks about what we're supposed to accomplish by a certain age. It sounds like a dumb cliché but if they haven't lived your life then they really can't judge you. But I also know what's it's like to compare yourself to other people and judge yourself harshly.)

I'm sorry you went through sexual abuse too. That in itself can fuck you up if you don't get to process it, regardless of any predisposition to depression or other issues you may have.

I think my ex-boyfriend who was with my niece is ignorant about the effects of what he did and I'm going to limit my contact with him in the future. Even if I could explain to him why I think it's wrong and he apologized, it somehow feels like a betrayal of my niece and my own ethics to have a friendship with him. Not to mention the whole ick factor of knowing he's been with both of us.

It's always hard for me not to explode when I visit this part of my family or read their posts on Facebook and they joke about how they would beat their kid if he turned out gay etc. when they have more premarital sex, divorces, substance abuse, and other mental health issues than anyone else I know. Not that I judge people for those things, but they do, which is completely hypocritical. It's actually better that I don't live very close to them any more.

Thanks again, failbot. I hope you're being a little nicer to yourself today.

[failbot]

I think it's okay to judge people who judge others unkindly and publicly. At least a little bit, anyway. I guess it'd be unhealthy to dwell too much on that sort of thing. I just mean you don't have to tolerate intolerance.

It's tough when the intolerance is coming from your family. You actually have something at stake when you stand up for your beliefs. So I think what you're doing is really commendable.

[rivergirl]

I wasn't really very brave. I think I started not believing in some things I was taught in church when I was around 7 years old but didn't leave until I was 25, and then it was years later that I started to speak up to my family. I don't even discuss religion with them, I've just spoken up about some of the more egregious stuff like gay bashing. Thanks for your reply though.