TW: Sexual assault. 35 years ago

[RightInTwo]

This happened the same year I finished high school.

At the time, I did not tell anybody.

In fact, I never spoke of it or thought about it much (repressed?) until I was in my 40s. Then, I was able to recognize something that I had been far too naìve to see at the time: My best friend had set me up, in retaliation for a scandal that she blamed me for earlier in the school year.

This realization was definitely a brand new trauma for me. Over the previous years, I had periodically tracked her down, and tried again and again to keep in touch with her, and each time, we would have a nice catch up conversation, but then, nothing. She never reciprocated, never initiated a phone call. I always struggled to understand, until I finally realized… yeah, if she did set me up, that would explain… I mean, it would make sense that she would avoid me.

So here’s my current feelings about this. I know the statute of limitations passed years ago. But I am beginning to want justice for myself.

Hypothetically, I might be able to pursue a civil lawsuit, but I’m not sure if it would be better to go after her, since she might be easier to find, or should I ask for her help instead, to find the actual rapists?

I will never find them on my own. We had traveled to another state on what was presumably a post-graduation adventure, and I’ve never been back there since. I had no idea who the people were, whose house the party was at. It was all her idea, she said that she knew them through friends of relatives or something like that.

If she did instigate the whole thing, she probably won’t want me to find them. They would probably immediately bring up her involvement.

If she didn’t, she might be able to remember enough to begin trying to find them.

And, her reaction to the whole question might confirm for me, at the very least, her share of the blame.

What would you do? Am I doing more harm to myself than good, with the idea of taking some sort of action?

There are three other SA’s in addition to this one, that I never reported or dealt with in any way, and each of them are equally impossible to find.

A babysitter when I was 4 or 5.

A drug dealer when I was 16/17.

An acquaintance of a friend of a friend when I was in my late 30’s.

If justice is simply out of reach, a fantasy… what would be the next best thing that I could possibly do?

[oak]

Hi RIT. Thanks for sharing. Three thoughts you are welcome to take or leave. I will be blunt, but not unkind to you, I hope.

1. Recommendation.
2. Been there, man.
3. The meta: the human condition.

1. Recommendation.

You have several options, and they're all not great.

Here is what I recommend: find an old, grizzled PI. Pay him for an hour of his time and ask what outcomes he has observed in cases like yours.

2. Been there, man.

You are by no means alone: just this summer I considered bringing charges against my childhood bully: he belongs in prison. Like your situation, his precious statute of limitations ran out, otherwise I'd testify to send him to prison for years for assault, and then I'd go eat a sandwich. His children lose their father? Too bad. No one made him assault me.

(Also, my bully is a lawyer at a large Christian youth organization at a famous Christian university.)

3. The meta: the human condition.

Frankly, you are unlikely to get anything like justice. They have gotten away with SA, and being an accessory to SA.

You, being a human who is decent, wants some sort of justice. And the best I can do, above, while sincere, is mealy-mouthed.

Here is the best I can do: (1) Something definitely happened. (2) You were wronged. (3) You are not alone.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am so sorry. They can burn in hell. You are not alone. You share; we listen; we stand by you.

[RightInTwo]

I hear you, and thank you for the considerate thoughts. This is a tough topic to discuss, even in a safe environment like this place. I appreciate your willingness to participate.

I’m a pragmatist. I honestly don’t think there is any chance of actual justice. But strangely, it feels something like growth, for me to even want justice. That requires me to acknowledge to myself, that an actual crime has occurred, and to stop minimizing & ignoring it.

The following is pure speculation, and only tangentially related, but I honestly believe, based on her past and current behavior, and on occasionally making comments that are much more revealing to me than she probably intends, that my mom is also a victim of SA. Unreported, obviously. It could have been a single incident, or ongoing abuse, but her/my family has a history of sexual abuse. But in the 1940s/50s, the topic was pretty much censored in any form of media, and never ever spoken of, to anyone ever.

So, I guess what I really want is to be heard. I feel like I need to get my story, and maybe my mom’s, out there in one way or another.

Tall order for someone who understands, but is terrified, of social media. It’s super useful for stuff like this, but I personally don’t want any attention.

I know that sounds contradictory; wanting to be heard, but not wanting attention. I guess I live here, in this ongoing state of dissonance.

[Beany Boo]

Wade in. If it’s in aide of your recovery then it’s worth shopping for options. Google ‘how to file an historical sexual assault’. That space is probably going through massive upheaval right now.

As confidence grows, the amount of reporting increases which affects the level of successful lawsuits. Rather than continuing to pay the mounting costs, the bodies affected - corporations, institutions, governments - start funding preventative measures to mitigate the behavior they can no longer ignore. That’s where the cycle is at, I suspect. Wade in now, and you might eventually find the remedy that counts for you.

It sounds like your relationship with your friend may hinge on this event. If neither of you feel safe enough to share the facts of what happened to you, then you may never find out. Validation from her that you didn’t imagine details could be very healing, even if it’s true that she did participate. In other words, the revelations while valuable, may end things.

Broaching the subject with your mom may invoke feelings of such powerlessness in her that she may not recover. Or, it may initiate her recovery. Either way, it’s a very special conversation not entered into lightly. You have a lot to gain yourself but keep in mind, there’s a risk of damaging the relationship. And her generation may lack an adequate way of talking about it.

[RightInTwo]

Hi beany,

This has become a very eye opening discussion.

Regarding your concern, “It sounds like your relationship with your friend may hinge on this event” … lol… There is not, and hasn’t been, not since before the scandal in high school, any relationship at all.

When we went on that trip, I was under the impression that all was forgiven. I truly thought that it was the beginning of us being best friends again, and all the things that go along with it.

But after the trip, she never initiated any more activities or even just phone calls just to talk about whatever, like before. If I called her, she would talk, but there was no warmth. No more invitations. At the time, I truly thought it was just that she wasn’t really over the scandal. And I blamed myself for that… I have never really forgiven myself for it, even now.

This whole experience is, in my opinion, at the root (along with biological father abandoning at age 3) (and, oh yeah, almost forgot, complete and total isolation from civilization) of my near complete inability to form connections & friendships with people. My deep and profound inability to trust anyone. And my compulsive bridge burning… gotta make sure nobody gets near.

::sigh::

So I guess what I’m saying is, weighing the possibility of justice against a long dead ghost of a bygone friendship, I would not hesitate for a single moment. I would barely notice the difference. I’ve been dead to her since 1985, and I stopped caring when I realized the situation for what it was/is.

Now, the part about getting my mom to talk about anything, that’s a whole different thing. I absolutely would not jeopardize my relationship with her for any reason whatsoever. I am extremely cautious about bringing up sensitive topics like this. But, the older she gets, the easier it becomes to talk to her, so, there’s still hope.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am so sorry, RightInTwo. You deserve so much better.

[oak]

Agreed, Manuel Moe.

[rivergirl]

Hi RightInTwo,

I'm so sorry that I somehow missed this whole thread, and of course sorry about these devastating events in your life.

I hope you're enjoying your holiday break and for now sending you hugs & love.

rivergirl

[oak]

RIT, this has been on my conscience to say:

As demonstrated by my own experience this year, there are still people seeking to cause chaos and hurt and destruction in strangers' lives. They are violent people. They have no conscience.

Put another way, each of us must be ready to defend our bodily integrity, be it through escape (ideal) or fighting for our lives.

I found the book "When Violence Is The Answer" to be very useful in explaining the types of violence any of us may have visited upon us.

Perhaps that book, well worth checking out from the library (through the excellent Libby app, if possible), can offer a primer on how mitigate violence visited upon us. We can be increasingly prepared.