Hoping for an objective opinion

[Cosmictofu]

Hello,

I am very conflicted on whether my ex-partner sexually assaulted me. I have wanted to bring it up with my therapist but I am too embarrassed and ashamed. She's amazing and compassionate but I just blank when I try. I am not even sure what I hope to gain but I'm sick of going back and forth on it.

I'm a 28 year old female, mostly gay.

So one evening my ex and I were going to hop into bed. She often used to encourage me to drink to be more sexually open or willing. It was a little joke we had but looking back it seems fucked up. Anyway, that night she made the comment "you should get really drunk so I can take advantage of you." Haha. No surprise, I did. Before things started I said I didn't want to do a specific thing because I wasn't comfortable with it. So naturally that's what she did. I was pretty drunk but not enough to make it ok. I froze like a deer in headlights. I couldn't breath or move. I didn't say no. I felt like I was back to being 17 and being raped. It was like I went back in time to the room where it happened. Usually she'd stop when my body language became that rigid or at least check-in. I wasn't facing her tho... She knew my history of abuse and how I'd freeze. After what felt like an eternity, I orgasmed. I couldn't talk to her, I just wanted to die. She said she felt like she raped me several times that week but then denied it later. We had been dating for 2 years at the time and were engaged. Uhg. Since I was drunk (she was sober) and I didn't say no, it can't really be assault. Questionable but not rape.

So, voice of reason?
Thanks.

[manuel_moe_g]

Before things started I said I didn't want to do a specific thing because I wasn't comfortable with it. So naturally that's what she did.

This is not "questionable" - this is rape.

Please take care. You will learn, in time, to value your feelings. You have a right to your feelings, even though some people in your life have, through their actions, tried to make you think your feelings are inconsequential.

Pasting resources below, from forum copypasta. Please take care, all the best. You don't deserve the pain you have been put through.

___.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.___

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network - RAINN.org

Abusive Relationships thread on this board - a description of a violent relationship and some solutions/resources

Emergency Resources for Abused Women - newhouseshelter.org

From helpguide.org - curated advice for battered women

~~~brrrzappp~~~ end of space transmission

___.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.___

United States website to find sliding scale "low/no" cost mental health services. Also information on medication assistance: NeedyMeds - Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics U.S. Database

Discussion of low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: Maria Bamford podcast, Episode 95, Jan 04 2013 at minute 6:00.

If you think you might need this resource, then you definitely need this resource - please check out the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network - RAINN at RAINN.org

Google searches for low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: your town or county + one of these terms:

• low cost counselling service
• sliding scale counselling service
• CMHC
• community mental health
• community service board office

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines

Here is a post and thread on Reddit about getting medication at low or no cost: Community Assistance Program, accepted at Target pharmacy and many other pharmacies

Cheers to you, for scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this copypasta!

[oak]

Agreed with Moe.

Here is my thoughts and suggestions:

This situation goes beyond what I can advise. I am glad you shared here. I encourage you to keep telling trustworthy people until someone listens.

Which is a long way of saying: please seek professional help. "Professional help" could include the police, therapy/counseling, and taking a hard look at your alcohol choices.

I say this not to shame you, but to offer a perspective that you are welcome to take or leave.

In most places drunk people can't give consent for sex. I kindly encourage you to consider and prevent situations in the future where alcohol choices could be used against you.

Around where I live we have something called 211, which one can call during an emotional emergency. You may also want to call the local domestic violence hotline. Since you say you are mostly gay, I encourage you to reach out to The Trevor Project.

Any of these may be more or less helpful. I encourage you to keep reaching out until someone listens.

Good luck.

[Cinnamon]

Oh, gosh this experience clearly hit a nerve with you and dragged forth issues from your past. You say you are unsure if your ex-partner sexually abused you...but what the story seems to say is: I am not sure i get to admit the hurt I feel because maybe its my own fault.
It is not your fault.
and if you feel that you were abused, you were.


Where did the idea begin that drunk women/men/anyone means you lost the right to say no. Once upon a time, there actually were "rules against taking advantage" of the situation.

I can't speak to the legal issues, as someone else advised. But you felt violated by someone you trusted and cared for. They did something they knew you did not like, violated your trust, your inebriation and your body.

You say you have not brought this up with your therapist. Have you told her about the rape? If not (no need to answer to me, fyi) then you need to begin to let her know the scope of the trauma you are facing. If you find you just can't say the words, let her know there is something you need to discuss but you have a hard time getting started. She may have tips or advice on how you can work towards opening up when you are ready and it gives her a heads up that there are more issues, letting her know that certain things that don't make sense, don't for a reason.

And the fact that you hesitate, may indicate that on some level you feel shame and self-blame for what happened. While you may have used poor judgement (I don't know full story) that doesn't excuse someone taking advantage of you for their own needs.

Good luck with the process.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Cosmictofu,

That was abuse, I don't think there's any doubt about it. What about posing it to your therapist as "I shared this on a forum and I've been told it was abuse but I'm afraid I might be exaggerating, so I've been avoiding telling you." Then share it with him/her.

I also want to give a high-five and shout out to Manny for being such a great forum moderator and posting all those great links to resources. Thank you Manny.

Cosmic, know that you are not alone.

Big Hug,

Paul

[Herself]

Would you be more comfortable writing it down and giving it to your therapist to read? Maybe you're just not ready to say it out loud.