Sick of shaming by organized religion.

[oak]

Religion is a touchy subject.

(If you are sensitive to slights to the dignity of the church, you may want to stop reading now. If you tend to get the vapors, prepare to clutch your pearls and have some smelling salts ready. This post will take a very dim view of religion in a hurry.)

Religion offers millions comfort, deep answers to the ultimate questions of life. I celebrate freedom of religion for these many millions. I celebrate them believing according to the dictates of their conscience.

I speak only for myself. My problem is not so much with organized religion, but with people who hurt me. "Trauma", "abuse", and "violation" are *slightly* strong words for what happened to me. Still, the resulting hurt was the same.

I don't want to be hurt any more.

If pressing the "religion" button gives me a shock, a punishment, every time, then I want no part of it.

A long, meandering post below. A summary: since I could never live up to their standards, I decided not to try at all. They would never accept me. Never. So why bother?

Thus begins one really long post....

Last Saturday I wanted Chinese takeout food.

Hope triumphed over experience, since I went to a place I know sucked. I wanted to like their food. Predictably, it sucked.

The service was surly, and I ate half of the food before throwing away the rest in disgust. The impression I got from the staff was:

1. We suck.
2. We don't care that we suck.
3. Since you are willingly paying for food that you know will suck, you deserve this food, which will suck. That is your punishment, and you get to pay for that privilege.
4. We don't care that your needs won't get met.

Like my awful seasame chicken on Saturday, such was my experience with tithing in the evangelical church.

Back story:

From 2009 to 2012, I was working poor, working hourly retail. I'd work every hour they gave me, for minimum wage. I worked every Saturday night. Every Saturday night. I could afford rent, gas, and food for on average 5.5 days a week. This was my experience for three years. No cable tv, zero movies, zero vacations. Many weeks I would have $20 left over to eat on... for the whole week.

You can see where this is headed.

So I am a member of a church. Fine.

They start talking about tithing. My $20 would cover the tithe. But then I wouldn't have anything to eat.

I vividly remember going to my pastor, a man I considered a close friend.

Me: You know, if I give my tithe of $20, I won't be able to eat until Friday.

My pastor: You have to trust God to provide you food if you tithe. Of course if you don't tithe, then you are stealing from God. (Shrugs.)

Just typing that I am appalled at the immorality. I wish I could say that I am exaggerating about that exchange.

Today, two years later, the most galling part was the shrug. Just like the Chinese restaurant, my pastor had enough conviction to shame me, but not enough to help me.

Here is what I dream he had said:

My pastor: You know, Oak, I don't want to serve any God that would demand a person's last $20, taking all their means to eat. Hey, why don't we hop in my car right now? We'll see if we can help you find a short term job, maybe a one or two day situation. In the meantime you keep your money. Let's go.

Ah, if only.

My actions demonstrated that I had 100% faith in that $20 to feed for me for the week. I suppose I didn't doubt God, but I had pure faith in the money. I knew I could get through the week by spending that money on food. And I did.

The bigger picture

Both the Chinese restaurant and my former pastor demonstrated a desire for my money, but no interest in my interests. As if they couldn't be bothered to even fake interest in me.

I have submitted a generous 2-star rating on Yelp for the awful food and service.

I am the type of man who believes that if I have a problem with someone, then I should express it directly, listen to the other person, and then drop it.

I would go back to the restaurant to explain my bad review, but would that be a wise use of my time? Besides, would they care?

I could, I suppose, go to my former pastor and explain how his indifference hurts me. Then, predictably enough, he would metaphorically hit me over the head with the Bible. I'd almost prefer him to literally hit me with an actual Bible: it would be more honest.

So here I am on a Friday night.

Did I go back to that restaurant? Hell no. If they had given me non-shitty food, they would have gotten my $9.50 tonight instead of their rival takeout place across the street. The food tonight was awesome. The bad restaurant ethically got my $9 last week, but that could prove an expensive order of shitty sesame chicken, considering that I am likely to spend hundreds of dollars on food in the coming months.

The other day I gave $10 to an online charity called watsi. I helped fund medical care for a five year old girl. Her bladder had developed outside her body, seeping urine routinely. She is unable to go to school or play with children her age. Her name is Oodan.

https://watsi.org/profile/9031368bcba8-oodan

Today I can afford the $20 so coveted by the church. But now I don't want to give it to them. If I wasn't good enough then, then why would I want to give it to the church now?

I am sick of hurting.

They say we are only as sick as our secrets, so that is why I wrote this post.

Since I have one less secret, I am a little less sick.

Thanks for listening.

[oak]

A mitigating truth I "conveniently" left out.

This same pastor, who I considered a friend, more than once gave me a few dollars when I was most desperate.

I vividly remember one summer evening crying in the church. He asked me what was wrong, and I explained that I would be going to bed hungry that night. Right then he gave a $20. I ate that day only because of his generosity.

Religion is complex. So is dealing with other people.

[oak]

Also, I apologize for imprecise language above.

What I should have said: Specific people at a specific church were emotionally abusive to me in a specific way at a specific time.

I am sorry for conflating, to seeming to conflate, all organized religion with a specific experience that is unique to me.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Oak,

Wow, that was some powerful writing. You communicate so well - I am envious. You described some intense scenes very vividly.

I am so inhuman, I inhabit a weird world. So my writing below will be strange and disjointed, just like every other time I try to communicate and connect.

I try to be the worst atheist in the world and the worst theist in the world, simultaneously. Currently, I call myself an atheist because I don't want to get the benefit of the doubt.

The Jesus that I love is the Jesus from my youth - Lefty Jesus, helping the poor and sick and the low classes and prostitutes and thieves and beggars, "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God", The Good Shepard, holding the newborn lamb.

I want to follow Christ's loving example, and when I die, I want to burn in Hell. Otherwise, it was just a trick to get into Heaven. I want to follow Christ's loving example out of the simple beauty of the example, not because I want a reward in this life or in the next life.

I believe in things that are not true: I believe in Free Will to act in accordance with my moral responsibility, I believe that there is a force for Good that will sustain and guide a person if they let go of Egoistic responses, I believe I am unworthy and I need Grace, I believe people make their own Meaning in life. None of these are true, all of these I believe.

I am so sad that I fail to be good. I am scared I will kill myself out of cowardice. I am scared I will fail to kill myself if I commit a moral violation that demands that I kill myself immediately. My anxiety makes it that I am not particularly scared to die - and I think sleep and death bring relief.

I wish I wasn't so weird and inhuman. I am often living in isolation. Or maybe not, maybe I am connected. I am shocked when people act loving towards me, or when people act like they enjoy my company. I am pretty sure I am doing life wrong.

Oak, what I liked about your story was how you revealed something very vulnerable, and I could feel your horror and sadness of a church that wanted your money, and how you were in terrible pain and the church was something far away that could not be bothered to help you. I really enjoy your writing. Please take care, all the best, cheers!