Flashbacks

[Cherry_Iceee]

So I've been working two jobs and really crazy shifts, where I am up 20 hours with very little sleep in between. I also have no social life and the few friends i manage to eek out dont really care either so here i am to tell my tale.
From the time I was a tiny child i have hated windshield wipers. I mean litterly HATED them as a child, I would scream when they had to turn them on. As adult and a driver I hate them to the point I would rather roll down the window and stick my head out of the window than ever use them. As time goes on I could tolerate them, but never to the point that they squeak! Dear god thats like nails down a chalkboard or worse. The anxiety that would cause, was or is just awful.
The past week its been raining. I've been pretty tired and have let some defenses down, which im not sure how to fix since most of the time those defense are when i am sleeping, and i cant control my dreams. If only there was an off button for those. I was driving to work and it was a non eventful drive besides the fact it was raining to the point i had to have the wipers on. My last coherent thought in my drive was I wonder why i hate them so much.
After that thought I was thrust back in time, I was out with my father and he had parked his truck somewhere and left the wipers on and all I see is him undressing my little body, and to distract myself from his molestation I lay there and watch the wipers go back and forth and the rain come down. Im almost sure i cried and wished that, my eyes had wipers too. I know there was dialogue but I cant make out the words. Its like they are right there and i just cant grasp them. At one point he collapsed or layed over me and i had to maneuver myself around him to see the windshield wipers that I so desperately needed to watch at that time.
I now understand why I hate them. The problem Im having now is the anxiety that came with the flashback, and the fact that i cant grasp the things he was saying to me. Why i feel this is important i have no idea. Ive had other flashbacks/nightmares but none of what he said to me ever really meant much to me. I dont know if this was some sort of turning point for me, or if he said maybe why he was the way the he was. Thats driving me crazy also.
I haven't dreamed about him or my past in ages, so i am not sure why this would suddenly show up, but in many ways i never wanted it to remember any of it, but i know it has made me strong the person that i am. I am sure i have been so tired that that is why i allowed it in to my brain I think i couldve fought it, but as the saying goes curiosity killed the cat. Now im riddled with anxiety and fear that since that showed up what else?? I know im not quite that lucky to get off with just one, and if i am i will be pleasantly surprised.
Im not fond of my dreams either. But luckily its been only the ex that shows up there, but is just about as disturbing. He is this big hulking being in my dreams that really scares me. He abused me the past few years we were together. I am not sure why he is showing up in my dreams. Sometimes they are dreams about when we first got together when we had a beautiful love affair and was soo happy together. other times hes this big hulking being that scares the shit out of me and haunts me in everything i do and say. Just about like he was the last few years we were together.
When i get so little sleep to begin with i would like to not have such nightmares. does anyone know how to shut that off, and possibly my anxiety? I know i have to keep my brain engaged but lets face it scrubbing toilets isnt brain surgery. I keep myself as occupied as i can with an ipod audio books and podcasts but sometimes shit just seeps in, and I being a janitor cant clean it out. Any suggestions? Thanks Cherry

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Cherry_Iceee. I read your post and I honor your pain and suffering. You dont' deserve this horrible pain and suffering. You deserve peace, because you are a good and valuable person.

Unfortunately, the only way out of a mind that is screaming is to devote yourself to:

[1] Service to others

[2] warm connection with fellow sufferers

[3] generosity

[4] possibly, duty and obligation to spirituality

and do these to the point of exhaustion.

I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could relieve your burden. I am just speaking from my autobiography, and you are the expert on your own situation so you know best and you have the correct viewpoint to evaluate my advice and if it can help you and if it is worth the effort.

Please take care, again, you dont' deserve this horrible pain and suffering. You deserve peace, because you are a good and valuable person.