Trauma? Advice?

[lawlessness45]

Trauma seems to be a reoccurring theme recently....

This has happened twice now, both times after major depressive suicidal episodes that landed me in the hospital. In quiet moments of reflection, (or just quiet moments) the name of a particular family friend will pop into my mind. Let's call this man G, and his wife M. I haven't thought about this man and his wife in years.

The first time it happened, I was lying in bed at home, just after being released from the psyche ward. I couldn't sleep in the dark, so i had turned on a bedside lamp. I was lying there, wondering what was wrong with me, when this vivid memory of me helping M wash dishes in the kitchen of their house filtered through my mind. I usually recall it as a pleasant memory. But this time, something was off. It felt...weird. Ominous...or off kilter. Like a picture that is hung on the wall and is just uneven enough to be a distraction.

All I could think was, "no. No no no no no no no. I don't want to remember." And this cold panic/fear/horror
gripping me, so much so that I said to myself, "nothing happened. Now stop it."

I thought that was the end of it. Thought it was just a random imagining of my over worked and depressed mind. Dismissed it. But it still kinda bothered me. Just the fact that it came up at that particular time and the intensity that surrounded it was strange.

But...I was hospitalized again feb 25th. And a topic of one particular group therapy session was trauma and PTSD. Once again, G's name popped up in my mind. I was in a much better place, however, and found it odd that this is the 2nd time this has happened. So I wrote it down. Or, more specifically, I wrote his name at the top of the page of notes I was taking. Right next to "trauma and PTSD".

I started abilify in the hospital this time around. And it is a very disorienting and scary experience. It has slowed me down. Forced me to be in the present and limited my focus. For example, I can be having a conversation with someone in front of me, but also be following the conversation of someone 2 feet behind me. I can follow and keep track of both conversations at the same time. Abilify has canceled that out. For the first time in my life I find myself only able to focus on one conversation/thing at a time.

I first realized it had this effect when my sister came to visit me in the hospital. We were sitting about 7 feet away from some other people having a rather emotional conversation, and for the first time IN MY LIFE I experienced the phenomenon of seeing my sisters lips move, and having no idea what she said. Of being so overwhelmed by a conversation 5 feet away that I didn't even hear her voice. It was like someone had taken a tv remote and put her on mute. I couldn't keep up with what was going on right in front of me. It was terrifying. I thought something was seriously wrong. I fought off a panic attack, forcing myself to keep breathing. I had this irrational sense that I needed to turn around; that someone was going to sneak up behind me and stab me, or otherwise hurt me. Because I couldn't keep tabs on everyone. I still can't.

And I'm shocked how...naked this makes me feel. I, quite literally, want to don a suit of armor, or wear a really thick coat to protect myself. I feel like I need to protect my arteries, keep a good 5 feet from people, in case they decide to attack. Which makes NO rational sense. I live and work in suburbia! I've never been mugged, assaulted, raped or otherwise physically harmed. But I just have this tremendous sense of impending attack. And now that the abilify has diminished my ability to be aware of multiple things at once, I am aware of it, and aware of the anxiety that not being able to watch everyone causes me.

My psychiatrist said that my sense of fear at not being hyper aware could point to some kind of trauma--either physical or emotional. And that there is some significance that his name happened to pop up right after major depressive episodes.

I guess I am just wondering...if anyone else has experienced something similar? If something is buried, I want to know what it is...even though the idea of something happening to me--either physical or emotional--is horrendous--I can't keep living on this roller coaster. I've got to solve this. I want to know what happened...so I can get on with my life. So whatever THIS is, it won't have power over me anymore...

Please, if anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it. Even if you think I'm crazy, or reading too much into this and have no place on this topic. Anything you can offer will provide insight.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am doing EMDR therapy. It goes deep, but you don't have to have all the answers for it to work. Basically, it brings the rational loving parental part of the brain and the deep subliminal part of the brain back in sync, for the rational loving parental part of the brain to guide you forward.

[lawlessness45]

I'm going to talk to my therapist about EMDR. Being hospitalized this last time has brought up a lot of things we need to discuss, but I can at least get the ball rolling. Thanks for the helpful info. We will see how things go. I am sort of frustrated with myself for pushing it away the first time. It was like something on my brain slammed open, but I just forced it shut. I'm kinda afraid that because of that I won't ever really know what happened, or understand what my brain was trying to tell me. A sort of ,"you had your chance and missed it" scenario. I just hate the uncertainty... Fumbling in the fog, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. But I will bring up EMDR with my therapist and see what she says. Thanks moe.

[lawlessness45]

I finally brought it up with my therapist. It was hard. I don't know why but it was like...the words were stuck in my throat. And I had to force them out--push them from my vocal chords.

We talked about things for a bit--EMDR, ways to gently bring it up. If I can find out things about this guy from my parents.

She was describing what happens when someone forgets a trauma. She used an example...

When she said "for example, when a child is raped--"

I was overwhelmed by...a feeling if being sick. It wasn't nausea. It was like...gag reflex...or that feeling you get in your head and upper body seconds before the vomit emerges from your throat. I had to stop her and run to the bathroom. I didn't puke, though.

It's like I flipped a switch, and was suddenly fine once I got out of that room. Even thinking about it last night I got that feeling, even though it was less intense. Writing about it now my makes my throat constrict, and kind of hurt. But I'm blocking a lot. Focusing on getting this on paper, and less on the feelings. I feel like its important to capture and describe what I felt so my therapist will understand. So I will maybe understand.

I was emotional yesterday. Afraid, anxious. But I feel better today. A bit confused. I talked about EMDR with her and we will most likely try it next session.

[manuel_moe_g]

EMDR is intense. Please pick a therapist you feel very comfortable with and who you have an empathetic bond with. In baby sized steps, you go deep.

[lawlessness45]

Thank you for the advice, moe. My current therapist is amazing and has helped me through a lot. I didn't end up doing EMDR this session--I started an out patient treatment program this week, so most of our time was spent catching up. But I am taking it slow--using my mental Tupperware container and storing it in there so I can get through daily life without being a basket case. But it still creates anxiety, and last night was...intense. I brought up the subject in my session and we talked a bit about it. And a few hours later all these split second images poured into my brain. I ended up picking up a pen and just writing non stop for two hours---descriptions of the images, feelings associated with them, that kind of thing. At some points it was weird--like I was writing these things but there was no conscious thought that went into them. Words, phrases, sentences that someone other than the current me was writing. I ended up getting a bit worked up...about my description of a wall, no less. My therapist was able to talk me through it, and getting a good nights sleep helped. Anyway, thank you for the concern and advice.

Lawlessness45