Venting, really

[opal.emerald]

Hello, I'm new here. I don't know where to start... Recently there have been a lot of problems between my husband, myself and his family.... specifically my mother in law and sister in law.There were recent things that happened that I will explain later in this post that sent my husband and I to my therapist of 8+ years.I just want to explain that I do not feel that anyone with BPD is a terrible person, or that they are a villain in any way. I am just explaining how I felt throughout my relationship with my inlaws. These relationships have been pretty turbulent so I have some strong feelings about them, but am now working to understand that not all of their behavior is their fault.

Both my mother in law and sister in law have exhibited borderline traits as far back as my husband can remember but they have never seen a therapist to be formally diagnosed. They have disliked me for the last 10 years. I met my husband when we were in high school and that was the darkest part of my life thus far. At one point, I told my husband, then boyfriend, that I wanted to kill myself. He told his parents, they called my parents, and we were basically split up by our families. He broke up with me maybe 3 weeks later. Being a 16 year old girl in love for the first time, this breakup really stabbed me. He was one of a few people who made me happy, and I just didn't understand how he could leave me at such a hard time when he said he loved me so much.

During his junior year of college we got back together. I remember sitting in my apartment while he told his family we were back together... and they screamed at him for a good half an hour, asking why he would want to be with someone "as crazy as me". Mind you I had been going to therapy for a good while doing really serious work on myself. I did what I could to get better for myself. We ended up splitting again because we both had just gotten out of more serious relationships, and it honestly just wasn't the time for us.

In March of 2009 we got back together again, and we have been together ever since. We got engaged 7 months later and married a year and a half after that. We had a child 7 months ago. The last 5 years have been peppered with just awful encounters with his mom and sister. I've always been blamed for "taking my husband away" from his family when I feel I have always been working towards making things right with them. During my wedding, my sister in law who was a bridesmaid, called me fat, a lost puppy, and pretty much every other name in the book, all because I created a facebook group for the wedding party. I told her flat out that our wedding day was not about her and if she kept acting like this she wouldn't be able to stand up for us and she may not even be welcome to attend. That didn't really stop her behavior, but I wanted to keep my husband's family in tact since they didn't like me in the first place, so i just sucked it up and tried to deal.

Not a whole lot had happened between us being married and us having our first child that is really notable, I just could tell my husband's family did not care for me. At 28 weeks I was put on bed rest for high blood pressure, and watched very closely to be sure I didn't develop preeclampsica. This triggered my anxiety which did not help my blood pressure. At 34 weeks pregnant, my husband got in a car accident (wasn't his fault, and he wasn't injured) and his car was totaled. During week 36, the week before I was induced, my sister in law wanted to come and visit. Having put out no effort to visit before then, we told her that we needed to use this time to prepare for our child. This seems 100% reasonable to me because we still needed to purchase a new vehicle and get the house all prepped. My dad came to help me that week, and my sister in law found out on facebook and went off. She called to scream at my husband about how she "just wanted to get to know her niece" and how is she ever supposed to do that if we won't let her visit when she wants to? This really bothered me but again I was too preoccupied with the arrival of our sweet baby that I pushed it off to the side. I was induced at 37 weeks because I had started spilling protein (so I was on the borderline of preeclampsia). The induction was unsuccessful. Our child's heart rate started dropping and my blood pressure was rising, so my OB said it was time for a c section before it came to the point that it was an emergency. During my c section, my sister in law spent the whole hour screaming at my mother in law and father in law on the phone. My parents were in the waiting room with them, and they could hear her through the phone all the way across the room. Then, when she came to visit the day we came home from the hospital, she was hardly interested in my child. The next visit she told me she "couldn't care her niece was born" because she wasn't allowed to visit. Since I didn't understand WHY she felt this way, this really upset me. She had asked me to work on our relationship at the time of this conversation and I agreed because I never wanted to be the one to stand between my husband and his family. I also don't want my daughter growing up without half of her family.

Over Christmas she made several pretty rude comments about our parenting. I brought this to my inlaws' attention because I knew if I said anything critical to her she would go off. I was met with "thats how she is, you should be able to treat your family the worst and have them still love you, that's how she expresses love, you should be grateful, shes showing you she cares" etc. This made no sense to me, so I kind of just shut off with her. Now knowing what I do, I realize that most likely triggered her. I do feel bad about this. My guilt towards this reaction is something I am working really hard on in therapy.

Fastforward to early March of this year. My husband and I had gotten pregnant again 15 weeks postpartum. It was soon, but I was honestly not scared, aside from what my body would go through. As long as my OB believed everything was safe, I was going to be happy with a second child. We called and asked to visit my inlaws a couple of weeks later, after we were supposed to see my OB. When we went to that appointment, I took a urine test and it was negative. My OB ordered an ultrasound, which revealed no baby. No sac. my uterus was empty... This broke me. Even though the timing wasn't right, I was so excited to be pregnant again. My OB said it was most likely a chemical pregnancy (a loss before 3-4 weeks), but she ordered blood work just to be sure. My blood work again came back negative for pregnancy. When we went to visit my inlaws, of course the real reason for the visit was very prevalent in my mind. My sister in law was being her typical self, started trying to find those sore spots to pick at.... she kept criticizing me... Both my husband and I were getting upset. She ended up flat out calling me a bitch and then stomped off. I was infuriated. Here is someone who said they wanted to work on our relationship a few months ago and she's calling me a bitch in front of her entire family. Not cool. So, like an idiot I followed her and told her sternly that if she EVER wanted any kind of relationship with me, she needed to treat me with respect when my child is in the house. She tried to punch me in the face and her boyfriend stopped her. I went to get my child and our things, and both my father in law and mother in law came and screamed in my face about what a sh***y mother and wife I am. This did not fly with me. I went OFF. I told them everything I feel I've done for my husband including helping him find his faith again, working so hard to have a relationship with his family, and finally that we were going through this chemical pregnancy. Everyone stopped, cried, hugged me, and we left in the middle of the night... we got home at 4 AM. A couple of weeks down the road the fight just kept escalating. His sister was telling everyone that I came at her first, and that it was all my fault, that I was "provoking her". They even said I blamed them for the chemical pregnancy and that is NOT true. I simply explained what we were dealing with. At that point my husband was ready to write off his whole family, who were all blaming me for it ALL, WHILE going through this loss. I cannot tell you how scarred my soul feels. I couldn't take it so I ate crow and made things as right as I could.

His sister is refusing a relationship with my husband because my husband is not willing to stay out of issues with she and I at this point. To me, it is unreasonable to make demands about how my husband and I interact in our marriage. I stand up for him and he stands up for me, that's just how it works. We are working on a relationship with his parents. I am having extreme guilt, anger, my self esteem is in the toilet and I need to find my empathy. I read Walking On Eggshells which has helped me realize that I did trigger some behaviors and that these behaviors are not about me. It has also made me realize that some of their behavior is beyond their control. I am having a hard time with wanting my children around this until his family gets helped. The whole family thinks that my mother in law and sister in law's behavior is normal. I don't know what to do. We can't set a boundary without countermoves being thrown about and distortion campaigns starting again. I Neeeeeed to find my empathy. What can I do to help them? How can I change my view? my husband and I see my therapist of 8+ years twice a month right now, and he says they may never be willing to get help. I don't know what to do... I know I've said that over and over but I'm so lost in a sea of guilt and hurt that I can't even tell which way is up anymore. I feel like I'm drowning.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello opal.emerald, welcome to our little forum!

I read your post, and I honor your feeling of suffering. You deserve better than this suffering.

The best way to help your husband's family to to get help for yourself. When you are healthy you will have the strength to set courageous healthy boundaries to protect your own self and your own family. Please take care, you deserve better than this suffering. All the best, cheers, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.