30-year-old virgin

[little mighty]

Yup, I'm a 30 year old female who's never had sex.

Having battled an eating disorder for over half my life, I missed out on many experiences that most people my age would have experienced long ago; most notably, relationships. I lived in my head most of the time and was too self-absorbed (aka in survival mode) to look outside of that, not to mention the fact that I spent the majority of high school and my early 20s going in and out of hospitals/treatment centres. I was physically and emotionally shut down up until probably last year, where my closest encounter with a sexual relationship pushed me to whole new level of awareness and maturity (not at all a bad experience, rather scary and exciting!). I also struggle with anxiety, which causes me to over-think EVERYTHING. At this point, I feel like I'm 13 and exploring the world of relationships for the first time...only now it's even MORE awkward because no one else I know is "13"!!! I mean, I've dated, but nothing has lasted longer than a month and the guy usually cuts things off when it becomes clear that I'm not going to sleep with them right away. Not that I never want to, it's just that I have NO FUCKING CLUE what I'm doing in that department! Even kissing is beyond me.

I've met this phenomenal guy through work and we've been "hanging out" for about a year now, mostly as friends. I say "mostly" because whenever I feel like I want to get closer to him (literally and figuratively), I FREAK. THE FUCK. OUT. I've been openly ambivalent with him, going back and forth between saying I want a relationship and then putting the brakes on to be "just friends". Not that the label really matters, but it does change the way one interacts with another. When I distance myself, I want him SO bad - and there are no risks, because he is the kindest, most loving, accepting, supportive, sensitive, creative, wonderful man I have ever known, and he hasn't run away screaming yet! - yet when I try to get closer, my anxiety kicks in and it's so unbearably uncomfortable that I cut things off again. I don't know if the anxiety is happening because I'm "just not that into him", or I'm just plain SCARED and unfamiliar with the situation.

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else out there can relate to any part of my story! It'd make me feel a whole lot better to know that there are others out there Thanks!!

[Fargin]

I'm 41 and been in relationships, but mostly because a female decided we were dating or living together and never on my own initiative. Through out these relationships, I was always in survival mode, until we broke up or most "recently" when I completely broke down. Most recently means 2003 and I spent the next ten years hurting, isolating and spent the last two years getting back on my feet. I feel like I'm getting close to "as good as it gets" and have thought about starting dating again, but I'm absolutely terrified about the thought of reaching out to someone my own age. I keep thinking: At this point I should have achieved this and that."

My anxiety is a scared 7-8 year old kid, so while I'm trying to learn to live with my anxiety, I've also have to do some emotional growing up to do. So in a sense, I'd recommend that you accept, that in some ways you are actually still 13 and have some catching up and trial and error to do. I've found that if I get more open about my anxiety and accept it, it doesn't go away, but it doesn't drive me crazy like it used to do. Maybe you can reveal some of your nervousness, next time it becomes relevant. I'm not suggesting you let all your secrets, anxiety and fears out of the closet, but just opening the door a little and tell him that the subject makes you nervous and see how that affects your anxiety.

Anyways, giving advise to others is easier than following it myself.

[E is for Elephant]

I'm afraid I don't really have any advice, but know that you aren't alone. I'm a woman and didn't lose my virginity until I was 28. I was super self-conscious about it and that amplified the anxiety that I already felt when getting close to someone. The guy I first slept with wasn't really the guy for me and the whole relationship was just sort of 'blah'. But in the end, that wasn't the biggest deal in the world. It happened, and we dated for a while and now I won't have that added anxiety the next time I get close to someone. But I understand how easy it is to get very caught up in your head over something like that.

[Oneironautical1]

Your post sounds very similar to an inner monologue I had a few days ago. I'm a 30 year old male virgin myself. I've only told a couple people and each time they seemed shocked so I guess I hide it well. I too would attribute it to anxiety but also a sexual fetish that further worsens my anxiety that I may not be able to perform when needed. I recently started trying to get out and try to meet a woman through Tinder. I had the exact same thoughts about being a scared inexperienced kid again blindly feeling my way around. I guess I just got to a point where I've told myself "fuck it!" I'm tired of being alone and really want and need someone to open up to physically and emotionally. I've found that I will still have the nervousness of meeting the person and navigating the social mores of dating. For me and possibly for you its a "leap of faith" scenario and trust that I may fall on my face but it wont kill me and I'll only grow from it. Good luck and keep in touch