So I'm wondering if others have experience with this topic, how you deal with it, and how you feel about it. I have had some experiences of sexual violation in my teenage/young adult years, and have some signs of early sexual abuse that I don't remember (like bodily memories/flashbacks, panic attacks, feeling unsafe during intimacy, etc.).
But the main problem is this: I've never had an orgasm with/in front of a partner, no matter how comfortable I think I am or if I'm enjoying it. I can come when I'm by myself, but it has to be a very specific touch/position, and I have to feel really safe/alone. I feel completely broken, physically and emotionally, and like I'm never going to have an orgasm in front of someone. It frustrates me and partners. I have lots of experience dissociating during sex, especially sex acts that are focused on me, which for me feels like detachment from my body and entirely focusing on my partner's enjoyment, or making them think I'm enjoying it (i.e. in my mind I'm just thinking: "am I breathing hard enough for them to think it's good for me? Should I make more noise? Arch my back more?" etc. - it's a performance, no matter how hard I try to relax and be comfortable).
I'm really embarrassed about this. I feel like it's never going to happen and I'm doomed to a life of orgasm-less sex. I feel totally alone and like nobody else experiences this that I know - my friends talk all the time about how frustrated they are if they don't come with a new partner at first, and other female friends come so easily it's never been an issue in their lives. It's so alienating.
Any advice? Anybody else deal with this? (btw I'm a cisgender woman with experience only with cis men if that matters)
Shame about lack of orgasm
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Dogless Dog Lady
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fifthsonata
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Re: Shame about lack of orgasm
A bit. It's taken me about two years to really start feeling comfortable and opening up with my partner.
Honestly, the best thing for this situation is therapy. Working through your trauma, learning how your body responds when faced with triggering acts (like sex), and how to cope is the best thing. I thought I was "over it" for the longest time because the events never seemed to bother me - it never dawned on me I had been sexually abused until I was in therapy for something else. My body had been retaining this trauma, and when faced with certain situations, it would incite panic attacks or just cause me to burst out crying. I never understood why until then.
So right now, your trauma history coupled with that fear of never being able to climax with a partner, it seems pretty daunting.
First I have to ask the question - you can climax on your own. Have you ever masturbated in front of a partner? You could watch porn or daydream, whatever gets you in the mood, and they could be in the room but with the lights out so it's harder for you to see them. This gives you partner an idea of what you do that works and perhaps replicate it - and, on the plus side, he gets a free show. Guys are really visually stimulated, so not only will he find it hot to watch you get off, he'll make a mental note of what you do.
And, have you communicated your issues with your partner? I've been...about 90% open with my partner (he knows about my past but I never elaborate). Because of it, he knows he has to be patient. Make it clear you want to open up, but it will take some time. A good partner is patient and will do whatever he needs to do to help you.
Think about what makes you feel safe - sex in your bed only? Candles? Not being 100% nude? Communicate that as well.
Just some ideas to mull over if you haven't already. It's taken me years to feel comfortable with my partner. Before that, I would completely dissociate during sex - or I'd have to get really drunk. Therapy helped a lot - I hope you're in therapy now. You need help to realize it's not your fault and you're not defective.
In the meantime, I know it sounds odd, but look up the "Sex with Emily" podcast. She's a sex therapist and I learned about her when she joined Loveline; her advice is brilliant. Look it up - her name is Emily Morse. If you don't already listen to it, go through the Loveline podcast with the Mike and Dr. Drew era; people called in ALL THE TIME with the same problem.
Honestly, the best thing for this situation is therapy. Working through your trauma, learning how your body responds when faced with triggering acts (like sex), and how to cope is the best thing. I thought I was "over it" for the longest time because the events never seemed to bother me - it never dawned on me I had been sexually abused until I was in therapy for something else. My body had been retaining this trauma, and when faced with certain situations, it would incite panic attacks or just cause me to burst out crying. I never understood why until then.
So right now, your trauma history coupled with that fear of never being able to climax with a partner, it seems pretty daunting.
First I have to ask the question - you can climax on your own. Have you ever masturbated in front of a partner? You could watch porn or daydream, whatever gets you in the mood, and they could be in the room but with the lights out so it's harder for you to see them. This gives you partner an idea of what you do that works and perhaps replicate it - and, on the plus side, he gets a free show. Guys are really visually stimulated, so not only will he find it hot to watch you get off, he'll make a mental note of what you do.
And, have you communicated your issues with your partner? I've been...about 90% open with my partner (he knows about my past but I never elaborate). Because of it, he knows he has to be patient. Make it clear you want to open up, but it will take some time. A good partner is patient and will do whatever he needs to do to help you.
Think about what makes you feel safe - sex in your bed only? Candles? Not being 100% nude? Communicate that as well.
Just some ideas to mull over if you haven't already. It's taken me years to feel comfortable with my partner. Before that, I would completely dissociate during sex - or I'd have to get really drunk. Therapy helped a lot - I hope you're in therapy now. You need help to realize it's not your fault and you're not defective.
In the meantime, I know it sounds odd, but look up the "Sex with Emily" podcast. She's a sex therapist and I learned about her when she joined Loveline; her advice is brilliant. Look it up - her name is Emily Morse. If you don't already listen to it, go through the Loveline podcast with the Mike and Dr. Drew era; people called in ALL THE TIME with the same problem.