The Torronto Incel has scared me

[neufena]

Becuase of this vile man I've heard of the term Incel. What's really worrying me is how similar my life experiences have been to the Incels yet something has kept me on a different path. I am too ugly and boring to get female sexual attention like them. But I've never blamed women for this, it's my fault for being too ugly and boring, not theirs for not wanting me. What's scared me is that if I'd met someone who'd influenced me at a young age I could see myself being swayed by them and ending up like these fuckers. That makes me feel weak and ashamed.

It reminds me of the Manchester bombing (I live in Manchester). My friend's brother was killed and he pointed out the similarity of his family and the bombers. Both had grown up in the UK but had parents born in non-UK. But somewhere, someone had got to the bomber and warped his mind. It's fucking scary.

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25, so I can relate perfectly to today's "incels", if I consider my young experience. I just had too much self-hatred and was too suicidal to be an "incel" - I would have taken my own life way before killing others would seem like a good idea.

Frankly, you have too much self awareness and are too good a human to be an "incel", Neufena. I wish you could see the truth of your considerable worth that is evident on this message board.

[neufena]

Thanks Manuel. I too hope one day you'll see how much worth you add with your kind comments. Take care.

[bigeekgirl]

I have much compassion for those who have trouble getting the romantic and sexual relationships they desire. It is hard on the type of men who are just trying to be decent humans. Men in my life express frustration at not knowing if their advances will be misunderstood when there's so little cultural example of how to treat people like people in the context of pursing a mate while also being painted with the same brush as the MRA's and incels who treat women like objects or games to be played with sex as a reward. You, neufena and manuel, aren't those guys, thank goodness and I find they are in the extreme minority.

[oak]

Thanks for posting.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

Like you describe, I also was/am involuntarily celibate before I knew the word. In fact, I removed "involuntary celibacy" from my avatar's issues, since I don't want to be identified with the horrifying news.

[bigeekgirl]

Investigative journalism podcast Reply All interview with the woman who invented the term. Still listening. Wanted to share.

https://www.stitcher.com/s?eid=54420189&refid=asa

[rivergirl]

I heard Dan Savage talk about this topic recently. A couple of things that stood out to me:

1) He mentioned that he continually hears from men (and also some women) who are involuntarily celibate and not in relationships, sometimes for long periods of time. Despite how desperate they may feel, the vast majority of men in this situation never take out their painful feelings on others by becoming violent.

2) There have been a handful of "incel" related murders over the past decade, but countless women killed by their husbands/partners/boyfriends. Domestic violence is a much greater danger to women than these few "incel" terrorist incidents that have been in the news recently.

I guess I just felt bad reading that some of the guys posting here would think they would be perceived as being like the Incels.

[neufena]

Thanks rivergirl.

Since I first posted this I've come to a place of more clarity and I think I understand now. These Incels feel OWED something by women, and angry that they don't get what they feel they deserve. When I was younger I was frustrated and hurt because I felt I was trying my hardest and still not able to get what I wanted. But I never felt I was owed it. Just that I wasn't enough or needed to work harder to succeed.