Women: I am trying and searching for you.

[oak]

Thanks so much Identity Poltergeist and TinaMarie. I am touched that you wrote such thoughtful replies, and I am turning your advice over in my head.

So much goodness in each. If I may offer my thoughts/reflections on each:

@IP:

Yes, agreed regarding about most standards as far as so-called beauty. Influenced by Mr. Matt Ridley's book "The Red Queen" and the (not-unproblematic) survival and replication model, I have deeply adjusted my standards.

I love this idea of "jolie laide", or unconventional beauty. For example, Kate Upton is conventionally pretty, but Patti Smith is so super duper freaking sexy and fine! Oh my gosh.

As far as replication (physical attractiveness) vs. survival (smarts, resourcefulness) I increasingly have an expansive and inclusive definition of physically attractive. But as my survival value rises, I am being more demanding that women I pursue also have high survival value.

As far attracting women, I must admit to being deeply lazy. I radiate a certain/specific energy so that between 95 to 99% of women will never notice me, but I am catnip to the other 1 to 5%. I will pursue a woman, sometimes, but I prefer to let the woman come to me by sending the proper signals, which I am well practiced in noticing. She begins the pursuit, and I join in the game, the dance.

As far as flaky women, yeah. Lately I can get phone numbers okay, but they won't agree or show for a date. One woman I really liked, she gave all the right signals, and would reply to all my texts, but would not agree to meet. I was sorry, but I deleted her number after trying five or ten different ways to find some date place/time she would like. What is most sad is that I think we would have had fun, and maybe easily sparked romance. Instead: nothing. (Although I of course honor every woman's free will to decline anything I offer.)

I do have confidence, according to women. They report that my presence fills the space. I like to maintain my aura. Not obtrusively, since the biggest waste of my time would be to fight men, but just sort of radiate.

@TM:

Yes, I was quite the rake and dater a few years ago.

I think what happened is that I was broke and essentially homeless, as recently as two years ago, but stretching back nearly ten years ago.

In the last five years I realized I'd have to get serious about my life, my job, my finances. Determination, focus, accomplishment, speed, efficiency, results.

All great and effective ways to stop being homeless and hungry, but not amenable to the languorous game of love.

I need to find, or re-find, the inner fun side of me.

I do love (even if I can't afford them often) the good side of life: beautiful clothes, theater, soap, flirting, joking, charming.

Forgive my gender binary-ness: my masculine and feminine balances are out of whack. My "masculine" side got me not-homeless, and I don't want to go back to the bad old days, but somehow I want to rekindle my love side.

I will carefully consider your advice about shared interests, and meeting people through friends. I can do better with that.

In conclusion, some day I will post here that I applied the advice you guys so generously shared with me, that a woman was attracted by these things you mentioned, she agreed to go on a date, she showed up, and we both had fun. I don't see how that can happen, but maybe things will be better tomorrow. Or next week. Maybe I'll even take a woman to go see a scary movie before Halloween, and then we'll get dinner afterwards. That is my dream.

[oak]

Update!

I really tried with women. I really wanted to go on a date this summer, but it didn't happen. No summer romance.

I invited out 15 women? 20? And bless their hearts, they were so kind and patient. Some declined with obvious regret, and all protected my dignity, declining respectfully. Also, since my sample size of no's was pretty big, I realize the problem is wholly with me. Which is good, because that means the solution is wholly within me. I will have to try something different.

Plan A for trying and searching for them got me further than where I started, but not where I wanted to be. I have Plans B and C ready to go, when I retry Plan A in a few weeks. What can I say? Along with work, love is one of the best things.

I found it really healing to hear Mr. Gethard talking in the episode about how his therapist encouraged him to go all out to pursue his goal. If one succeeds, great. If not, that's okay too, because we get our answer. I get alot of healing listening to this podcast. I tried, and came up short. I felt a little better listening to the Chris Gethard episode, grateful that he shared the wisdom about trying.

Someday soon I hope to report that I am going on a date with a lovely woman. Even if that day never comes, I gave it a good try.

Thanks for listening!

[IdentityPoltergeist]

I am glad you put yourself out there and at least got some useful data. If you are only doing this online, and I realize how hard it is to step away from the computer in this effort, but I do suggest beingorr aggressive outside of the online world. Women who aren't attracted to you or are too young to know what not-online conversations are like may find it creepy, but the rest will at least respect you for putting yourself out there ready to face potential rejection. Your chances will always be higher when you're right there in front of them than the will be online, when they might get messages from seeeeveral guys, many of whom may have better paying jobs and better pictures than you.

Doesn't have to be a bar (but I think people write bars off too easily; often people aren't at bars to drink but to mingle). If you see a girl you like a a book store, cafe, comedy club, even work - approach her. Say hi, my name is oak (if she doesn't know it already). I just wanted to say you're strikingly beautiful and I'd be really interested in getting to know you over coffee sometime if you would be interested. If not, I thank you for your time and here's my number in case you change your mind." Write down your name and number. This effort really does make an impression.

I met my boyfriend online on a forum many years ago (I think before online dating sites existed with much prevalence). I never would have picked him on a dating site, and the only reason I talked to him was he gave me a similar approach to the above and I enjoyed his intellect.

But continue working on yourself too. Take more chances. Not many people do anymore.

[oak]

Thanks ID for your post. I appreciate it so much.

I have already begun to take your advice to heart.

I've been so lonely, and I was feeling sad when I read your kind reply. The loneliness I've felt is like when the weather is dreary, gray, windy, cold. Then I see a bit of blue sky in all the clouds: that is what your advice was like: a little sunshine.

I may have more dark, dreary days ahead of me in my dating life. Then again, maybe someday I'll get a little sun, a little warmth. Taking your advice is part of me wanting to be ready, whether that day comes or not.

[tanglewood]

So it's not just me who thinks this way ..