Bisexuality and dating

[Mandi Mae]

I have a girlfriend, who I love to death. She is married and her husband knows about her and I. He is very supportive about us and gives us time to ourselves when we ask. I'm very grateful for her and for him. Our relationship is only known between the 3 of us, which can make things more difficult at times.

My girlfriend has pushed for me to find a boyfriend periodically since we've met 2 years ago. I don't feel the need to date a guy but I make connections with men for her happiness. Some guys I meet and I like them, they are interesting and kind. But my concern is when to tell a guy I'm bi. A lot of guys are scared of it.

So my question is, when should I tell them? Keep in mind, my girlfriend and my relationship is a secret and it needs to stay that way because of our families. Do I tell them up front about it so no one is wasting time or do I wait and see if there is a connection and then confide in them about it?

This is one of the biggest things stopping me from dating because the relationship I have with my girlfriend is the most important thing to me. I don't want to lose her because a guy doesn't understand but I don't want to lose her because she doesn't think I'm trying to find a guy.

[oak]

Hey Mandi. Thanks for posting, and welcome to the forum.

First up, you seem like a good person, with a good heart.

As far as your situation, here are my thoughts, as a straight dude who dates alot:

I see two things going on here:

1. Your relationship with your gf

2. If certain guys will accept your bisexuality

If a woman were to present this information to me on a hypothetical second date, it would be as shocking as hearing that she prefers Coke or over Pepsi.

In my (admittedly heteronormative) experience, who a woman is dating is none of my business unless and until we are exclusive. A gentleman should not inquire as to his non-exclusive female friend's dating life, just as she should assume he is dating others.

Exclusivity changes all that. But before exclusivity, it is not anyone's business.



Hearing that a woman I am dating is bisexual is not surprising.

In fact, my expectation is that a woman I date will be bisexual. It is very common. Probably two thirds of woman I've dated have been varying degrees and levels of bisexual. I respect and honor all sexual orientations and identities.

I figure her sexuality came pre-installed long before I showed up on the scene.

So, in my experience guys who date alot realize that many women are bisexual. Sexuality is one part of the whole of a person.

You are a whole person, Mandi. I hope you are find what you are looking for. Good luck.

[meh]

Hi Mandi

I'll echo what Oak said - sexuality is only one part of you.

Sexual orientations and preferences are complex. Add relationships to the mix and it's a combustable mixture. I'm married to a woman but I'm bisexual. I'm exclusive to her and haven't had a relationship with a man since before we met but that doesn't change my fundamental wiring. So... yeah, it's complicated.

So... if you don't want to date a guy, don't date a guy. Don't let anyone push you into a situation or relationship that you don't want. And if you do want to date a guy and he has a problem with you being bisexual, he's a jerk. Don't date hm.

[Mandi Mae]

Thank you both. This has helped me some much, you have no idea.

[oak]

Yeah, you're going to be okay, Mandi. It will work out. Keep us posted.

[inmymind]

Madi,

What Oak said is true, but there is one aspect that concerns me more than that. It sounds like you are centering all your life around your girlfriend. I know you two love each other, and you have a really good thing going, but you sound like you are trying to exert an undo amount of energy of finding a BF on the side, just to please her. To me, this is the central issue.

You have these choices:
1. Tell GF you are cool without having a BF on the side.
2. Get a BF that will understand your situation, and be ready that he could be cool with it for a while, but change his mind later
3. Find another GF you can be out or exclusive with.
4. Other choices that aren't coming to mind right now.

Whatever you do, don't expect things to stay the same forever. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy things as they are RIGHT NOW. Cherish it. Suck it all up. Know that things will change at some point, and don't be sad about that. Just let life evolve naturally. Don't worry about when to tell a guy about your GF. You will know precisely when to do that, and it may be different for different guys. Most of all, do what you feel you want or need for you. It's really cool to do things for other people, and I encourage that, but you should not be giving all of you, all of the time. A truely loving relatinship is based on both people giving. Your mind/body/soul will intuitively know if you are not getting what you need. Listen to your body.

If you are not getting what you need. Be ready for a change.

Keep us all up to date.
Much love:
InMyMind