I am not monogamous.

[oak]

Some circles can never be squared, and some apples can never be oranges:

I am not monogamous, and I am a rake.

For the sake of brevity, I'll neither explain why I am those two things, or defend these identities.

To get to the fireworks factory, here is a representative example, from this summer:

I have taken out an interesting woman, who seems very kind. We've hung out once (ie one date), and communicate via social media.

I have tactfully explained that I cannot offer her anything exclusive because:

1. My life has been chaos for over a year.
2. I am not naturally monogamous.

This woman gladly accepted this news, and I admire her maturity. Yay for her!

Here is what troubles me, and why I seek your kind advice!

I am afraid, however, that if I spend time with her (read: kiss, which I like to do), she will get attached.

I am terrified that the romantic comedy trope of winning the aloof bachelor.

The idea is that the hero is scarred emotionally somehow, and true love triumphs in the last reel when he realizes he found the one woman in the world he needs etc

But I am not a rom com hero, a Mr. Darcy, a Hugh Grant.

I am afraid, in the situation currently in my life described above, that she may want me all the more since I am unavailable!

But I am trying to be honest.

I believe that there are monogamous people out there, celebrate their right to marriage equality for marrying each other. I am just not one of them.

My rakish and nonmonogamous ways are baked in. I suspect that I am a recessive carrier of some bad genes; that and the fact that global warming scares the fuck out of me cause me not to want to have children.

My prime dating years (IMO mid 30s through late 60s) are just beginning. How do I prevent a trail of wrecked hearts?

(btw, I know that both rakes and the non-monogamous are considered jerks. The question is not *if* I will be a jerk...that is settled. How can I reduce my level of jerk-ness?)

[gfyourself]

What do you mean by "I am a rake?"

[oak]

Ah yes. I should define my terms.

I prefer Mr. Robert Greene's description over wikipedia's or urban dictionary's.

If I may quote him in The Art of Seduction (p.17):

"The Rake is the great female fantasy figure- when he desires a woman, brief though that moment may be, he will go to the ends of the earth for her. He may be disloyal, dishonest, and amoral, but that only adds to his appeal. Unlike the normal, cautious male, the Rake is delightfully unrestrained, a slave to his love of women."

[weary]

You're being honest and upfront with yourself and with her, and presumably with other women you date. If she chooses not to believe you, that's her problem. I do agree that it is likely that a woman will develop feelings and attachments for you if you engage in a mutually pleasurable romantic relationship. If you are honest about your intentions upfront and behave with integrity, if there is a trail of wrecked hearts in your wake, you will probably still be able to sleep at night.

I am more curious as to how and why you consider yourself to be incurably and eternally incapable or not desiring of commitment or monogamy. Or more to the point, what is is that you seek in relationships with women and why do you think that monogamy is incompatible with that? I can understand not wanting kids for the reasons you mentioned. Of course, as you pointed out, you have no obligation to defend or justify this label to me or anyone else, but I am curious nonetheless.

Sometimes I think that if I divorced I would like to live the lifestyle you describe for a while. But it's not me. It really wasn't me when I was single and is me even less now. I want stability and security and companionship.

As always, I admire your self awareness and willingness to share.

[oak]

Weary always a pleasure to hear from you. Thanks for posting.

Sure, I'll be glad to answer your question. (I didn't explain myself in the original post merely because of brevity.)

(Also, now is a good time to explain that I am male, 37, never married, no children. I didn't start dating until 30.)

To answer your fine questions:

For me, the problem comes in semantics. For example, "commitment" to me means "exclusivity"; ie no dating, kissing, sex, etc with anyone else. I have been exclusive in the past, but never had a "serious"/"committed" relationship.

But that is not for a lack of women trying: many gf's start talking about marriage on the third date!

You also ask, weary, about "monogamy". Speaking only for myself, monogamy is exclusivity+commitment+seriousness+ a sense of "forever". Alot like marriage, is what "monogamy" means to me.

Which brings up violating monogamy ie "cheating".

The reason I've avoided exclusivity is because me and my theoretical gf may have different definitions of it, and I am likely to do it.

Here are some activities that some call "cheating", with the likelihood I would do it:

1. Looking at attractive women. I will do this all the time, all day, until the day I die. 100% likely.

2. Porn. I firmly believe the porn of today is like what they said about whisky during Prohibition: "Nothing has more enemies in public and friends in private." Like looking at attractive women, this is also likely to happen.

3. Strip clubs. Outside my wheelhouse. 0%

4. Catfishing/online dating. 0%. I prefer to disappoint in person.

5. Having attractive women as platonic friends on fakebook. It is going to happen.

6. Texting platonic female friends. Ditto.

7. Unequivocal cheating: kissing through sex: No, I won't do this, have never done it, and never will do it. Of course, now I know simply not to become exclusive in the first: ergo, it is logically impossible to cheat! Also, I am not promiscuous any way.

What do I seek with women?

An excellent, deep question, weary. I've never thought about that much.

I love the thrill of the chase. Pursuing and being pursued. I like novelty, the summer romance or the pure flirtation that last ten seconds.

I love all kinds of women, all shapes and sizes, ages and ethnicites. Most often I fall for women with shoulder length dishwater blond hair. (Fan myself)

The girl next door type.

Until ten minutes later when I chat up a fascinating grad student from another country.

Strangely enough, at least to me, I could see myself marrying a single mom. A few years ago I heard a cultural commentator call out this generation of young people, 20s and 30s: there is a generation right now of men in their 30s who play video games every night. Meanwhile, there is a generation of single mothers, beautiful women, who want to get married. Why can't these two groups get together?? Here I am, a man in his thirties, playing video games tonight. wtf will video games mean at the end of my life? What if I had married a single mom, invested in her, and worked out step-fatherhood with the children? When I am dying I won't give a fuck about video games. Will I have wasted what I could have contributed as a husband and step-father at the altar of some worthless, meaningless video games?

Tough questions, weary. Thanks for being willing to push me. Feel free to ask more tough questions! This is a very important topic, and I am willing to hurt my pride if I can do better. I am worth it.

[oak]

Also, per the Greene quote above: I am not the ultimate female fantasy.

I am an extremely ordinary looking man. Imagine a 37 year old office drone, khakis. Got it? That is me, physically. I can get lost in a crowd of one.

I do have good grooming, excellent hygiene, and the finest clothes a broke-ass man can buy. I am always clean shaven, good shoes, and clean teeth. My clothes are washed and wrinkle-free, and obviously no holes anywhere.

I've got a rusty-ass car, not much money. Long ago I realized I can't compete with other guys when it comes to car, money, job, fancy clothes, muscles. Since I couldn't compete, I don't. I could focus on what I had: a love for women, a love of culture, a love of love, and a (sometimes) cheerful disposition.

Where I really shine is how I carry myself, this ineffable....something. Je ne sais quios?

Most days, 90% of women don't notice me. Or maybe even 99% of women. But that one percent is addicted to me. I am right in their wheelhouse. I am like a drug for them.

I am a regular guy invisible to most women. But the women who do notice me, oh boy. It is like I radiate something.

[kitkat]

I think, as long as you're honest and straight forward about what you want, there shouldn't be any confusion. If she happens to mention something about a long term relationship, remind her that you're serious about not looking for anything monogamous. If you don't waver, she should get the idea, and if she's really not okay with it, she'll be able to decide that. The big thing is not to give her any impression that you're just "going through a bachelor phase" or that you might be looking for something serious at some point, or she may start thinking, "oh, if I wait around long enough, he'll commit to me." If everyone is honest and straight forward from the beginning, then there shouldn't be any confusion or heart aches.