I don't get dating

[JSalzillo]

So this probably isn't the most appropriate place to put this rant but in my fustrating search of someone to be with, which seems a pretty simple thing, really, I'm disappointed by how often these things don't pan out and I starting to think it has something to do with this first- date as an interview approach everyone seems to embrace. I think the thing that makes a relationship intimate is the sharing of emotional experiences together, serious in nature or not, and nothing else. This I think is why a lot of couples get together after a period of friendship or co-workers who find there's something more there after spending day in and day out in the same place. I guess my point is that the whole dating thing doesn't give each person a fair chance really, who expects to blown away by this person you've spent a whole two hours with? Anybody else have a similar outlook or can speak from how their own relationships came to be?

[oak]

Thanks for posting.

I can offer my experiences, keeping in mind that I am a male heterosexual American rake. I won't presume to guess your culture, gender, or sexual orientation so take what I offer with a grain of salt. I do have experience in getting first dates, and attracting women on them.

You ask alot of good questions. I'll focus on what I perceive behind your questions, the structure.

Neither you nor I created the dating system. We didn't invent this game, but are asked to play by its rules.

My questions for you: Are you willing to play the dating game according to the standards handed to us? And, if so, are you willing to take a ruthless look at yourself to see where you want to succeed more? And if so, are you willing to immediately take action to continue to try new things until you reach your desired level of success?

I'd not be surprised if you are offended by calling dating "a game". Many (and I do not assume to include you, OP) also believe that potential dating partners should love/accept them as they are, and that they need not change themselves for a system of dating that they did not create or agree to.

Many people believe that, and demonstrate their belief through their actions, if not their words.

I'd agree that dating is inefficient, ruthless, and chews up actual peoples' actual hearts, all in the name of a "system", "rules", or "a game".

Which is a long, convoluted way of saying that the system is unlikely to change. Evolve, yes. But it will never change just because we don't like it.

But the ruthless truth is your success or not on first dates is simply feedback on your behavior. You are creating your experience, in other words.

While this seems harsh, it is actually very loving and affirming. The flip side of that truth is that you are in charge of your dating experience and can take steps today to improve your experience.

Of course, you are welcome to take or leave anything I suggest.

[kitkat]

Maybe you need to try meeting people in a more casual way? Instead of going on first dates, maybe meet people through friends in a group, or try to meet new people that could just be friends, just something more casual. I imagine it must be daunting to go to meet someone and let them know everything you're about over one dinner. I know there are a lot of people that go on dating sites and whatnot to find dates, but there are also ones that go to find just friends. Maybe if you try that, you'll be more relaxed and meet people who you want you hang out with and, then, if both of your strike each other's fancy, it can go from there, and if not, you could still gain a friend.

This isn't really my area, so, I don't know, but that was just my thoughts.