Sexualized Early on and Lying

[Jay Dub]

The earliest I can remember I was 5 or 6. My babysitter decided to play "doctor" and wanted me to "examine' her by sticking my hands down her pants. She was a high school student and one of my fathers students at that (he was a teacher). Of course I had no clue what was going on and didn't even think about it until years later. By that time she had come out as a lesbian and I chalked it up to her just "experimenting" and trying to convince herself that she was indeed straight. This as the early 80's (pre 1984) and it just wasn't acceptable to be homosexual in the south. I recognize it now for what it was...sexual abuse.

Around the same age I was looking at toys in the J.C. Penny catalog. When I opened it, it fell open to the lingerie section. My staunchly Southern Baptist parents went ballistic on me.

Thus began the shame and hiding associated with sex. Hiding from everyone, my wife, myself. This has destroyed my relationship with my wife and almost cost me everything. (Such a dumb ass!)

Around the age of eight my male cousin who was probably 11 or so at the time convinced me perform oral sex on him. I looked up to my cousin, admired him, he was for all intents and purposes the coolest kid I knew. So I did it. I wanted to be accepted by someone, anyone....I was the outcast at my school and I thought that if I did that he would like me better. So not true.

I went through the rest of the years hating life, hating myself and contemplating suicide a couple of times.

In college I had a professor that would make passes at me, it was well known that he was bisexual and he was very eccentric. I should have reported it the few times that he was intoxicated at a party and grabbed my crotch but I didn't. I was actually sexually excited and I had no clue why. One night I had too much and pushed him off of me, when he came back at me I decked him. I was 20, he was in his 60's.....but he never touched me again.

Am I straight? Am I bisexual? I don't know what in the hell is going on anymore. I have cheated on my wife and she has drawn the line in the sand, no more secrets or lies.....its the least she can ask. I feel unworthy of her love, of anybody's love. I feel as though I deserve to be pushed over the line....or off a cliff. Or maybe I should just go west on the interstate instead of east to go home....she and my children would be better off.